Daughter in violent relationship-am i making it worse?

[innermuddle]

To give a bit of background. My 20 year old daughter has an abusive boyfriend. He is older, has children, was in prison and is on methadone (every alarm bell is ringing of course!). They have been living together since they met, about 6 months ago. He has hit her several times now, always after drinking to excess. She doesn't want to leave him (yet?) but has left for short periods (less than 24hrs) after each time he hits her. She loves him, and minimises his behaviour each time (he didn't mean it, it was the drink, i made him do it and so on).
I want to to help her, but am not sure how, other than being here every time she needs us.

My question, for anyone with experience, is whether we have done the right thing.
We had not yet met him the first time we had a call to say she was at the police station after he beat her up in the street. After that, I said that I could not condone the relationship, and he was not welcome in our house until he could prove he had changed. But I loved her and wanted to be here for her. Since then, he has hit her at least once a fortnight, so obviously we have not let him come to the house or met him at all. WE stay in touch by phone and i pick her up to go out for lunch or she comes here
I havr not heard from her for 4 days now, because her phone is off. He keeps smashing her phone, which we replace so she has a way to be in touch. I think he is doing it to keep her away from us. My worry is that I am making this worse by not welcoming him to the family.
Should i welcome him to the family for her sake, or is it morally wrong to welcome an abusive bastard to the family in any circumstance? Would that be then condoning his abuse?
To give the full picture, i have younger children that i am trying to protect from this too. Any advice welcome!

I have just left a violent relationship and I'm 24.

My mum always welcomed DH with open arms and tried her best with him - she didn't know all that was going on, just that he was 'difficult'.

Because she was so on board I found it harder to leave and tell her when it was abusive because I didn't want to upset her or her opinion of DH.

Also - you HAVE to validate how awful this is for her. So even if she stays she has a clear message that it is wrong to be treated like this.
She will believe it is all her fault so if she has you telling her that she is a victim in all this and not responsible it might help her when she is ready to leave.

You won't be able to get her out until she is ready. so you just need to make sure she knows you are there.

you need to keep in contact with her. regularly.
Don't let him phase you out.

it's a very fine line.

I think you have been doing it right so far, definitely.

OP I have a 20 year old dd, I'm afraid I would be round there with DH and a few friends and she would be brought home, whether she liked it or not

And then she goes back, this time less likely to confide in your or ask you for your support.

and would have had a smack/massive row because her parents have 'behaved badly'.

Been there.

Fairy, I saw your other thread, so glad you're out and safe now xx

But we're talking about a 20 year old here. My 20 year old had just started uni, and still relies on us for money etc, (as did dd1 until she left uni) so I suppose that's a different situation to a more independent 20 year old.

Glad you're safe fairy xxx

ExcuseTypos so you don't accept your daughter's choices and you don't have to in your case because there's a belief that she is financially dependent upon you?

She is financially dependent on me and DH, that's not a belief, it's fact.

And I do accept her choices, she lives away from home and we tend to not interfer. That wouldn't be the case if she chose to live with someone who emotionally or physically abused her.

Logg *I suppose my reaction is based on my personal experience.

I was living with a boyfriend at 19. It was in no way an abusive relationship. But at the time I lived with him because it was convenient for uni. I didn't actually want to but I felt I had no choice. Years later my mum and dad told me they could tell I wasn't happy and they were waiting for me to beak it off. They said they didn't want to interfere.

I've never forgotten that and I suppose that's why my reaction would be the exact opposite to my parents. Because if they had said to me at 19, we can tell you aren't happy, we are taking you hime, I know I would have jumped at the chance.

I think you are right not to allow him in the house. But also (I speak from experience) when she does leave him or he leaves her - and it will happen- try your hardest not to say how daft she was to stay with him so long or something along the lines of "told you so" however thinly hidden. One of the things I found hardest was that my self esteem was already at rock bottom (due to him) and then just when I was feeling stronger my mum made me feel really stupid for putting up with it so long (5 years). I know I shouldn't have stayed. I wasn't daft. I needed her to listen to me, not judge my choices if that makes any sense.

I think also directing her to sites like the women's aid one and discussing it with her would be good. And coming here too. There are so many aspects of my relationship with my ex that I literally didn't even realise were abusive and just took it for granted. I didn't know what a good relationship looked like! Make sure she does. Let her know how good relationships work. TThis might help to fuel her desire for more.

Also please do ring the police if you are witness to an incident or dd is ringing you in tears etc. The dp doesn't like you anyway so you have nothing to lose.

But whatever happens be there for her. He will try to remove you from the situation because it makes her more dependent on him. Don't let her feel alone. I'm sure you won't :)

I'm sure you and your daughter have a loving, mutually respectful relationship and I'm sure you accept her decisions, even the ones you disagree with! But with respect Excuse if you're in the UK at least, she is financially independent of you. Thank god that this is true, even if she's a young, unmarried female. You and she may not believe she is, but technically she is.

Well she could be financially independent, but as we pay her rent, books, holidays etc she isn't technically independent yet, is she?

I think my DP would literally remove his heart and lungs through his throat.

Excuse I'm also posting from a personal, emotional, experience-based point of view. Financial independence is incredibly important to me. I don't accept financial help from others (mortgage the only exception!) and I will only give money when I can afford it with no strings attached.

Tired I repeat myself . Let's assume the OP doesn't have a partner willing or capable to literally remove someone's heart and lungs through their throat. What do you advise she does???

I'm failing to see what the relevance is of the financial independence emphasis?

I left my ex when I was completely financially independent of him and had dd aged 6 months. I was still with him for 5 long years. It wasn't anything to do with money.

Lots of women leave when they are financially dependent on their partners. It might make things harder to lleave but having worked with women who are in abusive relationships it generally isn't the reason that's keeping them there.

It is about more than the money..It is about erosion of self esteem, isolation and a gradual wearing down of the normal boundaries.

Logg1e- I truly do not know and hope to God im never in the position to ever have to find out.

OP- I wish I had some valuable advice (you have had great advice on here though as I can see). My heart would break to see my DD in this predicament. I hope she finds the courage to get rid of him. You sound like wonderful parents.

I'm failing to see what the relevance is of the financial independence emphasis?

It's not about the woman being financially dependent on the abuser or not. I picked up on it because another poster's solution was to bring the daughter home (whether she wanted to be brought home or not) and that this could be done because the daughter is financially dependent on them, the parents, at 20 years old. I think that this was worth questioning.

I agree Tired the OP has had some good advice (which I summarised above) for such a difficult and dangerous situation (I am another whose relative was murdered by a violent partner). I do hope OP continues posting.

20 is still so young. Can't you just keep her at home, tell her she's moving back in, and that man isn't coming near the house? Call the police. Save her, from herself if necessary. She can't climb out of the window. And if she can, glue it.

If she's financially dependent on you, cut off the cash. Bring her home! You can't keep financing her to live that life. She could be killed. Just bring her home.

I was her age in a manipulative abusive relationship. If my mum had dragged me back, had him beaten up. It would push me further to him, as I'd have felt they were taking my choice (all be it an awful one) away.
And yes it was a choice I was being manipulated into and a bad choice but its one I made and one I was prepared to stick to whatever. I was an adult making that decision

Now my mum did push me towards him with her attitude. Which did make the swallowing of pride to go home even harder. If my mum had played softer kept communication open I'd have gone sooner, but I had no support as I'd been so pushed away. Yes they came through in the end.

DAMNAUTOCORRECT That is exactly the way we played it, I loved her home!! Sent loving texts, and cards and just supported her every way we could so that she felt she could come home. She did say that she had wanted to come back before but that everything we did had helped her.

Athrodiaeth even presuming the OP's daughter is financially supported by her parents, do you not think that there's a danger of making the daughter even more dependent on the abuser if you remove financial support? Isn't it wiser, more supportive and more conducive to ending the relationship for parents to provide the phones and an escape fund?

Thank you for all advice. Some really helpful advice here. I spent the day with her yesterday, and we agreed a safe word, and that she could get a taxi here any time that I would pay for. I've told her about mumsnet so hope she reads some of the threads.

She is not wanting to leave him, she think she loves him . I just hope she comes to her senses before he really hurts her. Some of the stories on here are terrifying.
For all those suggesting I do something or stop her going back there, do you really think that would work? I don't! She loves him and wants to be there. She has npt yet reached the point of knowing that he will not change and for her, right now, she believes that the good outweighs the bad. How would it help her to pressure her to leave him? She would just hate me and go back there anyway. My fear is if I make her angry and defensive she will be even more trapped by him, because she will stop talking to me about it. I'm just repeatedly telling her this is not normal, not ok, not her fault and she deserves better. And that I am here for her.
If I were to try ro lock her in her room, surely that is as bad as him abusing her. I ant to empower her to have the strength to leave. I think tbat can onky happen when she believes she deserves better. And realises that he will not change. Me forcing her to stay is not only illegalbut also reireinforcing the message that she is too immature or stupid to make hr own decisions. Everything he tells her, that I am trying to counteract.

Finally, although most of what has been said here has been helpful in firming my decision to keep him away from the house and to keep contact despite any obstacles he throws up, and verh helpful suggestions for practical help. The messages suggesting I am not protecting her or should just hit or hurt or kill him or whatever are really not helpful and quite upsetting. I am trying really hard to protect her but sont know how. I was looking for help from wiser souls with experience, not a message that I have in some way failed her by not acting violently to save her. I found that really difficult to read and so stopped reading to think about it. I think it was probably meant well, as an expression of empathetic horror at the situation. However it just made me feel really shit when I was already worried and upset.

Please consider this when offering advice in future, because I'm really glad I did come bavk to see the practical and helpful suggestions, I nearly didn't.

Fairy thanks for sharing your story. Well done for having the strength to leave.
Can I ask, was it just you deciding enough was enough, that made you leave or was it an outside influence? Kust wondering if you have a suggestion for where to send her for information or was there something I could say to her that migt help?

To be honest, I was chipping away for a while - I had tried to leave before.

Then I had DS, and for the first time I thought, it isn't just me anymore, I could put up with anything but he shouldn't have to.

I had planned a bit but thought I loved him and didn't want to leave my home etc, so always put it off.
Then he tried to strangle me. It wasn't the worst incident but it was the final straw. I think everyone has their "final straw" and I'm sorry but until she had this nothing you say will make her go, which is why you need to keep reinforcing that whenever she is ready, you will be there.

I have found MN so helpful, so much support, I'm not sure I could have done it without the support on here.

My best friend grew up with domestic violence and she helped convince me that this was not right.

She is welcome to message me if she wants, if you think it would help.

Women's aid are great too.

I hope she realises soon.