One big mess

[20yearsstolen]

I'm not sure why I'm going to write this all on here but not one person in my real life knows what's going on with me and I any go into a new year like this , I need to get myself in order .
I'm prepared ( I think) to be told I've made or I'm making huge mistakes but I just don't know where or how to get myself out of this .

I have posted on here a couple of times I was in a bad twenty year relationship up until September last year things kicked off police were called exdh arrested and I left the home with our child .
I'm trying not to make this too long but dont want to drip feed .
I had nowhere to go and moved into parents house with my 4 year old . This has been extremely difficult . I am looking for somewhere to live but nothing currently in my area or near little ones school . I have nothing , I have left everything at my home, sons stuff included .
This is where it starts to get complicated , I have had a couple of breakdowns at work due to exdh threats and behaviour and just the general stress of trying to cope with everything I had been with this man since I was 15 and have no idea how to do this without him . I feel like I still need him in my life . How screwed up does that sound !
I have had support from a male colleague who was in a similar situation ( recently separated and living with friends) and over the past couple of months that support has turned into more , we have fallen for each other I guess and been seeing each other in secret . To protect out children and ourselves from the situations we are so recently leaving behind .
So with the run up to Xmas I spent more and more time at my old home with exdh for the sake of our son to try and give him a normal Xmas and colleague did the same with his .

I am now back in to my previous routine being back at my parents and I'm having major doubts about what I'm doing with my life .
I am trying desperately to find somewhere of my own to rent but there is nothing out there .
Exdh is begging me to go back for the sake of our son and has promised counselling and I'm starting to feel like that would be the easy option or the best one for our child .
To return , have him with both his parents in his own room and toys etc .
I did twenty years of unhappiness and I feel so terribly selfish leaving now I have such a young child that I should go back and be there for our child . Doubting whether what I put up with was that bad . Was a lot of it my fault ?! Would counselling fix it ?!
Then I think of my colleague who makes me feel so happy and safe but in my gut I just get this terrible feeling of guilt that I shouldn't be doing it I should be returning to ex for my sons sake .
It's all one big mess, I'm struggling .
I have made an appt at the dr because I'm really not coping with all this at all , the situation the secrets , all of it . People don't know what went on in my relationship it's not stuff I want to discuss with any one I guess I feel embarrassed about what it was really like . I've lost all my friends during this I don't / can't talk to family. I only have one person .
This makes me doubt what I'm doing with colleague , I've only had one relationship is this just a rebound thing or a crutch to lean on ?!
He is such a lovely person and I have such strong feelings for him why am I doubting them . I haven't told him this I don't want to hurt him .

Please I know it's all such a mess I just don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with all of this or which way to turn
Sorry for any typos I only have a phone for Internet access

God writing that all down seems so
Pathetic .
I just don't know how to stay away from a man I grew
Up with . I don't know how to cope with him not in my life but still have to see him for the sake of my son !

Wow. Others will be along with more advice but wanted to say that going back just for your son's sake won't be a good long term solution. Kids adapt and as long as he feels safe and loved he will cope with his parents being apart. Kids are resilient and I am sure he would prefer a happy mummy.

You have made the break. It was a long relationship and of course you feel wobbly. Give it time. Do 'to make rash decisions. Take it slowly with the new man and just see what happens.

Yes go to GP for support etc and seek out help from friends and family. You will get through this. This is change and change is difficult. You are going through a period of grief for the things you have lost ( relationship even if an unhealthy one) but you can and will move on. Give yourself time.

Good luck and well done for making the break in the first place. It takes courage.

Btw it sounds as if there is abuse in your last relationship, either physical or emotional. Not asking you to share this but if there was seek out counselling. Try womens's aid for helplines. They have a good website. You need to share 'the secrets' with someone and a counsellor might be a start. Or ask GP to refer you.

There's a lot going on in your post but the keystone appears to be that you don't have a place of your own. Because you're not settled you can't start to be independent and build your new life. This, in turn, means you feel that you can't cope and are turning to various people for comfort... some more appropriate than others.

So I'd suggest you but all your energies into getting housed. Camp out at the local housing office. Get your parents to officially evict you (that's how they do it round here) so that you qualify for emergency housing. Chuck your toys out of the pram until you get your own front door.

In the meantime, stay well away from the Ex because he is dangerous and getting back with him would be anything but the easy option. Tell the colleague that you appreciate his friendship but that's all it can be until you are settled. Good idea to see the doctor and do ask if you can be referred for counselling because Domestic Abuse is a) very common and b) a very miserable and lonely experience. Escaping it doesn't make you selfish at all.

It doesnt seem pathetic at all its hard. I am in.similsr situatiom in.thst there have been domesti abuse i.cudents with police and
ido badly want to.give it another go as ik.ow how great it can be.
You seem pretty isolated have u thouvht about.mums clubs or netmums meets a friend noard? Do u love yozr ex and believe he will xgange ? X

Thank you for your kind replies , It wasn't a nice relationship there was EA but I just start to doubt myself , was it that bad. He always wanted me to see a dr , now I am was he right should I have done that all along and saved my son from what we are going through now ?

Why did you move out and not xh? If xh is so willing to change why are you still without any if your stuff and ds toys?
It sounds tough but I think it would be a mistake to go back.

'You're not right in the head' is a classic EA technique. Let me guess, you said you were unhappy about something and, rather than him apologise or rectify matters you were told 'you need to see a doctor'.

That you need a little medical reassurance now does not mean an abusive man was right. Certainly doesn't mean you should wander back into the lion's den.

I moved out the night he called the police , which resulted in him being arrested . He called to day that I was attacking him . I wasn't he was me and I threatened to call them , never had done before and he smashed up my phone and called from his instead .
I left because the police couldn't make him leave we jointly own our home .
Things have calmed down now though and he's saying about counselling . I haven't go stuff with me because I've nowhere to bring it too .

Why are you having conversations with him? This is how abusive men keep the abuse going....

And counselling is totally off the cards where there is abuse present. Bullies only use the sessions to get more ammunition and bring you down further. If you get counselling, do it for yourself and your future.