I hate everything.

[Lovevhate]

Lying in bed unable to get up. Had a couple of horrible messages from xh and a row with dp yesterday. Wracked with anxiety and wish I could disappear from this life. Can't cope with anything anymore.

Sorry you're so down. Disappearing often sounds like a great idea on paper but I'm sure there are people that would be horribly hurt if you did that. If you're really struggling you might want to talk to your GP or Samaritans.

Sorry you feel do bad. Didn't want to not respond.

What were the text messages from xh? Do you have to be in touch with him?

Do you have dc?

I know I can't disappear because I have 2 dcs. But I just wish I could. I'm finding life too hard at the moment. My xh messages were blaming me for delays in him not being able to contact dd on Xmas day. He did speak to her but not when he wanted to. I never heard my phone the first time. He is blaming and calls me useless and inept every week for the last 5 years. It's draining. Dp is not in good place at the moment and is taking it out on me. Keeps saying do I want him to leave. I don't get why. Every time he sighs and stomps about I feel so anxious. I hate being at home during holidays. It's all crazy.

Perhaps the right answer to 'do you want me to leave?' is 'yes'... If you're not getting support from a partner and are instead under attack because they are 'not in a good place' (v selfish) then what's the point of him being there? Fill your life with people that make it better, not make you anxious.

As for the Ex.... you need to drop all but written contact and keep careful records. He is clearly abusive and that's unacceptable. Is the contact order formal/legal or just something you've worked out between you?

The correct answer to your dp may be "no, I want you to grow the fuck up, but if you can't, then yes.'. That sort of shit is just putting his problems on you. And if you're used to taking on others' problems, well, you will. And it isn't good for you. Being a metaphorical punching bag never did anyone any favours.

Contact is what we have worked out ourselves. He was and is abusive. He's like a disability that I am stuck with. Feels like a life sentence. It all does. If I didn't know any better I would think that dp is trying to force my hand by continually asking me do I want him to leave. Don't know what's going on.

Bragmatic that is exactly how I feel. Like everyone's punch bag.

Sorry to hear you feel so sown. Why not ask DP to give you some space so you can work out what you need. Speak to solicitor re ExH as you don't need his shit anymore. At least the "festive season" is nearly over and normal routines can be resumed. Good luck OP

You're not stuck with him or your DP.... who, by the sound of it, is also on the abusive spectrum the way he's treating you. Do you have any RL friends or family you can talk to? Would you consider speaking to Womens Aid or a solicitor?

Thanks Wombat. Cogito I don't really have anyone in RL I feel I can talk to. Dp has a very difficult situation that he needs to deal with and is struggling. He is also very worried about work too I am trying to be supportive but so anxious about everything. Can't stop crying.

'Supportive' cuts both ways. Not one person sitting their anxious, sobbing and the other saying 'I'm leaving'..... You have a difficult situation. Where's the support from him?

'there' not 'their'...

The thing is its right to be supportive of your dp but you also need support. You're feeling anxious and you've had enough.

What brings on him asking if you want him to leave?

With your xh I think you need to try to ignore it as much as possible (I know what you mean by it feels like a life sentence- believe me). When you can't ignore it just tell him of he doesn't stop the nasty texts you'll report him for bloody harassment. Failing that, change your number and have a pay as you go phone to deal just with him.

You not hearing your phone on Xmas day is not a reason for him to send you nastyrssadhes and call u names. He needs to grow up.

Do you work? Do you feel slightly better when you're back at work?

Mama yes I work full time. Back tomorrow. I have to say that I struggle in holiday times. I have a history of depression and it always flares up when I'm off work. I hate the lack of routine and go further downhill. Dp says he doesn't want me to feel anxious and is saying that's why he should go away for a couple of days.

Would you feel better if he did?

Or would he just turn it into a "I don't want to go but I'll do you a favour by going/I'm a martyr" kind of thing?