this will be really long, sorry. I got out of a 4 year relationship awhile ago and it's still affecting me. I'm trying to figure out whether it was actually abusive or not.
Firstly, my ex had zero ability to cope with stress or conflict of any kind. That's a problem obviously, since even in the best relationships there will be occasional friction ... because someone forgot to put the bin out, or someone had a crap day at work and is in a bad mood. But even with minor friction, my ex would escalate it to a big catastrophe, and would call the entire relationship into question. This meant I never aired any grievances, because I knew his reaction would be explosive. I was always walking on eggshells, and trying to keep the peace.
He was a very inflexible and judgemental person, generally. He had an idea in his head of how people should behave - his family, friends, colleagues etc, and when they inevitably failed to live up to his expectations he would be disappointed. As his partner, I was a particular target for his judgement. He would rarely confront me directly though when something bothered him, instead he would stew over it, and then it would all come out during the regular catastrophic "this relationship is over" arguments.
He was often quite childish. One time he got angry over something quite minor (I think it was over an electricity bill, we split everything 50/50, and once I asked him to cover my share of the bill until I could pay him back a couple of days later when my work pay went into my account). He gave me the silent treatment for three weeks. Wouldn't talk to me at all. This was over christmas too, and I was supposed to spend xmas day at his parents' house (my parents lived in another city), but because he was giving me the silent treatment, he woke up early in the morning and left without me, leaving me at home all day by myself. It was really upsetting. He never apologised either, even when we made up.
sex - he wasn't particularly demanding, not into porn, rough sex or anything. But he did feel entitled to sex (I know that's unacceptable, but also that entitlement is just so common in many men). I didn't feel I could say no without drama and catastrophe.
Day-to-day, he wasn't verbally abusive, but during arguments he was very cruel, would say things like "go kill yourself" etc. Really crossing the line. Just in general, he was quite heartless - it goes back to him being judgemental - he believes that people get what they deserve.
He had no concept of what it means to build a shared life with someone. It was more like he had his life plans, and I could "come along for the ride". As an example, he wanted to buy a house in a few years time, and would research different areas we could live in etc. He would pretend to consult me, but really he just wanted agreement. And if I didn't agree, he would again call the whole relationship into question. I was always humouring him instead.
There's more, but those examples should give you an idea of the tenor of our relationship. It was definitely a bad relationship, but I dont know if it counts as abusive. He wasn't possessive, and didn't try to sabotage my life - isolating me from friends, trying to make me dependent on him etc.
The thing is, I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s, and that was a typical case - the guy was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. Used to gaslight, was insanely jealous and controlling. So I know what abusive relationships look like from the inside. That first guy was such a textbook case that after I left I could quite easily wash my hands of him - it was so obvious that the problem was him being an abusive arsehole, and it had nothing to do with me personally. After that relationship ended I was really angry at him for about 6 months (and a bit angry at myself, for getting involved with such an idiot), and then I easily got over it and moved on with my life.
On the face of it, that relationship from my 20s looked much worse - because it was so obviously a case of clear-cut abuse. With this last man though, it seems as if it shouldn't feel as bad or worse, but it has actually affected me much more intensely. It's been about a year since we split. Since then I have been feeling sheer relief that it's over - no more eggshells! I'm free! Yay! - but I also have this sense that I cant ever be in another relationship again. I'm just so insecure now. To be honest, I feel like I've been ruined forever. I recently met someone lovely, but I ended up sabotaging it before things had the chance to get off the ground. I feel like I no longer have the ability to be normal or have a normal relationship. It's quite depressing.
Anyway I am interested in your thoughts. Particularly regarding whether my ex was just a prick (which is possible), or whether I was actually experiencing a subtle, insidious form of emotional abuse.