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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is he a selfish prick?

23 replies

tiredoftrains · 02/01/2014 02:41

I honestly don't know anymore!i have had this same argument with dh so many times over the years I'm sick of it.

sat here in tears as yet again despite constant whinging about how tired he is dh has stayed up til 1.30 then crashed and banged upstairs on his way to bed waking both me and the toddler up.

I am exhausted at the moment all I want is a good nights sleep but yet again I've been woken up after just 2 hours sleep,had to tend to a grumpy 3yo and am now too pissed off to get back to sleep,and I have to be up for work in 5 hours.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to come to bed at a normal time (he has to be up in the morning too) or am I being controlling and grumpy because I'm tired?

OP posts:

Squiffyagain · 02/01/2014 02:44

He is a tool.
Give him a sleeping bag to use on the sofa until he changes his habits.

wallypops · 02/01/2014 02:45

Get ear plugs (and use them) and agree on who's doing what. Ideally every other night is his problem, and if he doesnt want to be knackered then he can go to bed early. If he comes to bed after X o'clock - he sleeps elsewhere. Exhaustion is so toxic - it nearly killed me.

Original poster

tiredoftrains · 02/01/2014 02:49

Thanks for replying, I've just left him upstairs and said if he wants to stay up past half 11 then he can stay on the sofa in future but I know he won't keep to it. The thing that really pisses me off is he doesn't seem to see the link between him staying up late,disturbing me,and us both being shattered and grumpy all the time!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2014 03:13

What is he doing until 1.30am? Anything with screens will be buggering up his circadian rhythms and, although he's knackered, he won't feel sleepy. Google sleep hygiene.

Original poster

tiredoftrains · 02/01/2014 03:23

Thank mrs tp, yes it is the bloody playstation,I know this is what keeps him up but again he doesn't seem to see the link between this and sleepiness let alone the fact he tosses and turns all night when he's been on it.

Will try and explain to him again In the morning.

Reading a terry Pratchett book to try and get myself back to sleep,no success so far,still too annoyed!

OP posts:

NickyEds · 02/01/2014 03:42

you're not being in the least bit unreasonable- sounds like a mare- especially if it's disturbing your toddler. I'm sure all of the proper advice would say to talk to him calmly about how you feel and so on but i'd be tempted by the sleeping bag on the sofa idea! If he likes the playstation that much let him sleep with it!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2014 05:07

Oh the bloody PS. First person shooters, by any chance? DH has to stop at 9pm if he wants to sleep.

What book of my imaginary DH's are you reading? I'm reading Raising Steam. True to my NN.

Original poster

tiredoftrains · 02/01/2014 07:13

Ha yes,I struggled with the calm explanation at half one this morning and not actually managed to get any more sleep so think it's going to be a long day!

Good guess MrsP, first person shooters it is bloody things I'm on raising steam too but not very far through yet, enjoying it so far though!

Thanks for replying, think I just needed a bit of reassurance that I'm not as unreasonable as he makes me feel for wanting an uninterrupted nights
sleep!

Going to explain again that if he wishes to stay up stupidly late on his PS then he can Kip on the sofa-wish me luck!

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 02/01/2014 09:21

I think you sound very exhausted, but, if dh dictated what time I am to go to bed I would tell him to shove it. Why is he making such noise? Is he drunk? Surely he can creep upstairs and join you quietly without disturbing you?

As long as he's not sleeping in the next day, or absconding from family life due to tiredness related to this I don't think his bedtime should be controlled by you. (obv if it is affecting family life then that's different)

CuntyBunty · 02/01/2014 09:24

Er, hang on, if he wakes the toddler up, why aren't you making him deal? Please don't be a matyr. DH is a noisy kind of person, crashing around, so when ours were babies, I used to say, "If you wake him, he's yours for the night". Simple. Do not be a mug.

He is a selfish prick.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/01/2014 09:26

Pregnant pause, some people me are woken by the slightest noise, and someone creeping into bed with me would absolutely disturb me. Plus the OP already said he is grumpy and tired due to this, so it is impacting on family life, not to mention disturbing the child.

pregnantpause · 02/01/2014 09:37

I understand that some people are light sleepers but I still don't think that's reason enough to demand your partner go to bed the same time as you. What I meant was that the op mentions his crashing and banging his way upstairs- it seems to me that the issue isn't the time he's.coming to bed but rather that he's an inconsiderate wretch that wakes the whole house doing it (I also wonder why he didn't deal with the toddler he woke up )

Lweji · 02/01/2014 09:43

Next time he wakes up the whole house, put his clothes in bins downstairs.
He can choose to live in the livingroom or leave the house

Or sell off the PS on eBay. Well, list it.

Or pick up toddler, put him/her in your bed and move to their room, leaving oh to sort it.

FrankAndFurt · 02/01/2014 09:45

Mmm, not sure about this one as my DH and I often go to bed at different times. (We are not noisy when we come to bed though)
We don't have little kids so are out of the stage where we wake easily.

Do you have a spare room that he could sleep in?

JeanSeberg · 02/01/2014 09:49

It's a good point about the crashing and banging, is he drinking too?

I have 18 year old sons home for the hols and they go to bed a long time after me but I never hear them.

Has he always been like this?

pregnantpause · 02/01/2014 09:52

I think crashing and banging upstairs is the most important bit- it smacks of selfish arse. But you say you're ratty with each other because your both tired- has he said he's tired? Some people need less sleep, my dh is fine after 5 hours, I'm like a snake with any less than 8. If he's so selfish as to make so much noise to wake you and the baby, then leave wifey to deal with the baby, perhaps he's not ratty because he's tired, but because he's a selfish arse that doesn't like the stress and pressure that comes with family life.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/01/2014 09:56

If he wakes the toddler, he deals.

Why on earth are you letting him wake you all up and then just go to bed while you deal with all the crap?

Forcing him to settle the baby he wakes up will be way more effective than making him sleep on the sofa.

Charlie50 · 02/01/2014 09:56

My partner is the same. He stays up late playing shoot em ups then wakes me up when he goes to bed. He tried to get in bed quietly but I'm a light sleeper and if I'm woken up at the wrong time it can take me two hours to get back to sleep.
I don't think you are being unreasonable especially if it also means he is having lie-ins instead of being up and about with you and your little one.
My partner tends to catch up on his lost sleep on weekend mornings. I have decided that this is not on when we have my son with us.. He is at his dads every other weekend.. And told him he has to be up by a certain time from now on. Yes adults can go to bed whenever they like but if there is an impact on others it can be seen as selfish.

Original poster

tiredoftrains · 02/01/2014 13:49

Thanks all, not drunk just clumsy and very inconsiderate! Unfortunately Ds is having a very clingy stage and screams the house down until I go in,dh did go into him but just isn't good enough at the moment apparently.

I don't want to dictate his bedtime, but I do think that if he knows it wakes the rest if the house up when he comes to bed he could maybe come up a but earlier?

It affects family time in that he is tired and grumpy - tbh it's the moaning about being tired that really does my nut in, he doesn't seem to realise that an early night would perhaps make him less tired! Also wouldn't be so bad if it was a one off but is a fairly regular occurrence.

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 02/01/2014 14:05

Okay, yes if he is moaning he is tired then he needs to take responsibility for it and go to bed at a time that will alleviate that problem. If he's clumsy and inconsiderate at 1 he will be just as clumsy and inconsiderate at 11 or 12 though, so the only solution is a, he becomes less selfish and if he stays up later than you he comes to bed without waking anyone else up. He thinks about how his resulting tiredness negatively impacts you and your ds, and how deeply unattractive a grown man whining about being tired after playing games all night actually is- its a grim trait in a teenager, in a father, it's just pathetic.
B- he goes to bed with you, when you tell him to.

The latter option does not deal with the actual problem- his loud self absorbed attitude and the impact of his negative choices upon his family. But it would get him to bed at a reasonable hour, and potentially stop him being tired. But I think addressing the selfishness behind the noise he makes, and the moaning about it the next day is more important.

Twinklestein · 02/01/2014 14:10

Playstations are for kids, I'd bin it if he can't use it responsibly.

And say any day he goes to bed substantially after you, he can sleep on the sofa.

This is a very specific phase when you have a 3 yo & he's being horribly selfish.

He's not going to change unless his behaviour has negative consequences for him.

PeterParkerSays · 02/01/2014 14:13

Can you put a plant on the playstation and then water it carelessly? Or would he find another distraction instead?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2014 15:24

I have realised that 'telling men what to do' is the ultimate MN crime. The fact is that all relationships involve give and take and it is simply not acceptable to stay up half the night playing games, wake the kid, knowing you don't have to deal with it, and moan about being tired.

If he wants to do it, it should have no impact on the rest of the family.

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