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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL wants to be mum

75 replies

BoyTwinsMum · 02/01/2014 00:45

I would be very grateful for any advice on this. A few weeks ago my mother in law told one of my twins (boys age 6) that she wanted to be their mother. He then elaborated when recounting this to me, saying my MIL wanted to overthrow me and kill me and be the queen of this family. I don't quite know why he elaborated like this but he insisted that she had said to him that she wanted to be their mother and look after them.
That twin is currently staying with MIL and FIL as the other twin has had pneumonia and is with me 400 miles away at my mum's.
When I phoned my son at their house he said "mummy" very excitedly but then said- you are not my mummy any more, nanny is. MIL shouted out: "just while you're not here of course." FIL snatched the phone and said: that's ridiculous, it's just something he's made up and sought to reassure me.
Since I had the twins i have had a strained relationship with my MIL. It is obvious that she feels jealous of me and I secretly feels she hates me as she is always sending cutting texts and emails.
Please does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? Thanks very much!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/01/2014 09:27

Oh thank goodness for x-posting with some sanity.

There are people on MN who seem convinced that half the population are 'toxic' and have NPD and must be shunned and not engaged with.
While there is no doubt that there are some very nasty individuals, there is also such a thing as a good old-fashioned personality clash which is why you might not get along with someone.

Coconutty · 02/01/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

koTinkaBell · 02/01/2014 09:32

I'd find it incredibly upsetting. while I'm sure she's just trying to make the boy feel loved and secure while he's away from you, I can't help thinking there's potential for damage. I really think he'd be better off back home with you asap.

Goldmandra · 02/01/2014 09:38

It's part of a bigger picture of criticism and hostility. It does sound as if she wants to undermine your parenting and it does sound as if she thinks she could do a better job.

I would simply stop relying on her for any sort of child are and just allow the boys to see her on family occasions.

She sounds pretty toxic to me so extended stays in her house without you aren't ideal.

My DM was controlling and overbearing about my parenting when DD1 was born. I dealt with it by taking a step back, reducing the twice a day contact to twice a week and not relying on her. Our relationship is much better now.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 02/01/2014 09:44

To be fair Jaffa, my MIL signs cards Mum and it's no biggie, she's certainly not trying to be my mother. My parents called the others parent mum or dad too.

Join is spot on with her comment.

2rebecca · 02/01/2014 09:45

It seems rather odd to send one of your children away just because the other has a chest infection, unless he is immunosuppressed and on chemo or something. It sunds as though you tend to over react to things.
Even if MIL is calling herself mummy for a week if she lives 400 miles away then in the long term it isn't going to be making any difference to anything.
I'd just keep your children together over the festive period in future.

Original poster

BoyTwinsMum · 02/01/2014 10:08

Thank you so much for all the advice! There is some amazingly kind advice in there. I couldn't sleep last night because of this and it's amazing that so many people have taken the time to reply. We ended up apart because my husband wanted to spend christmas with his family and I wanted to spend christmas with my mum. This was supposed to be till last Friday but then both my son with me and I became ill which is why we are stranded up north. I wanted my husband to bring my other son up to me before he returned to work but it was decided it would be better if he kept away from the pneumonia and stayed with my PIL. I will see my son tomorrow as we are just about well enough to travel. I will talk to both PIL directly once the children are in bed and ask that there is no blurring over who is mother. I mainly don't want my children to worry that their grandmother hates me which is the conclusion my son drew from her fairly innocuous comments last time. Hopefully they can respect that! I am confident in my relationship with my son but I do worry about what might be said by her in the future. Thanks again!

OP posts:

Jaffacakesallround · 02/01/2014 10:09

You don't know the circumstances though - do you?

Why is it odd to send one child to stay with someone and not the other. who's ill
Maybe the twins were looking forward to going to stay with the GPs- it's not really a big deal or bad parenting to send one and keep the sick child at home- is it?

Jaffacakesallround · 02/01/2014 10:11

OP- your son will grow up and be able to see the boundaries for himself. And being 400 miles away the idea that they can have much control or influence over him is unlikely, the older he is.

Stop worrying so much- I'm convinced it's really nothing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/01/2014 10:18

Frankly you have bigger problems than your MIL if you can't agree on where to spend Christmas.

Why don't you alternate?

IDontDoIroning · 02/01/2014 10:19

Sorry OP but why would your dh want to spend Xmas with his parents not his wife and children?
Did he take one to his dp and you take one to yours?

If this is the case the it's no wonder your mil is dividing the family further and putting a wedge between you and your son.

IDontDoIroning · 02/01/2014 10:20

One twin I meant

2rebecca · 02/01/2014 10:21

It seems strange for you and your husband to both prioritise being with your parents over being together and to deliberately split up your children at Christmas even before one became ill.
It sounds as though this is about more than just an odd MIL.

Original poster

BoyTwinsMum · 02/01/2014 10:22

My Mum would have been completely on her own for Xmas and it was PIL's turn to have us for christmas. My mum doesn't leave the house due to anxiety so this was the best compromise we could come up with!

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 02/01/2014 10:24

The fact that your family was split for Christmas is of much greater concern to me than anything your MIL might say. That, and the fact that your DH didn't come to you when he was told that his DS had pneumonia, makes me wonder whether your relationships at home are the root cause of your MIL's feelings.

There's more to this than meets the eye I think.

Original poster

BoyTwinsMum · 02/01/2014 10:25

We did have a pretend christmas before christmas when Father Christmas came so the boys could open their presents together. But I agree, none of it is ideal.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 02/01/2014 10:25

Calm down people! Sounds like he is missing his mum, and she's made some throwaway comment about how she will be like his mummy while he is there or something.

As for splitting up your family over Christmas because 2 adults can't agree on whose Mummy you will spend it with - dear Lord. Just don't.

Maryz · 02/01/2014 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetallesttower · 02/01/2014 10:30

Children are very sensitive to these things and I think he's just picked up on the tension, she may have said 'I'm in charge now' and he said 'like mummy?' and she said 'yes, but only while you are here'- and you are now running with it as an example of your issues with her.

I very much doubt she really thinks she is her mummy and she is also doing you a massive favour by caring for one child while the other is sick (or vice versa).

I don't see anything in this that is alarming. You don't get on that well, she posts stroppy emails- I would reply to them briefly and spend no time on them but all this alarm over her status is completely unnecessary, grandparents have almost no rights in the UK and it is just fanning the flames of dislike to suggest there is anything sinister about this.

You were all apart at Christmas- they are taking care of your child, if you dislike her so much, go and get him back but it is not necessarily a big deal.

6 year olds are prone to this type of talk- my dd told me she was the queen of this house, not me! This type of talk is not indicative of anything except children trying to work out who's boss, and how relationships work.

Jaffacakesallround · 02/01/2014 10:31

Why is it necessary to ask the OP why she spends Xmas as she does?
There is no right or wrong in this- just personal preferences.

I wonder why some posters think they have some high moral ground to try to dictate how other families choose to spend their time?

MissBeehiving · 02/01/2014 10:32

Lordy - what a load of hysteria!

Firstly 6 year olds are not generally known for their startling accuracy on every point. The likelihood is that you MIL is fulfilling the "mother" role and that's all there is to it.

As for MILs signing cards from "Mum" - well, she is still the mother of your husband. My MIL signs everything as that and I have to say it never appears to be a threat.

It is quite odd that you spend Christmas apart

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/01/2014 10:33

Your Mum is a big girl, she could manage, surely?

It was your PILs 'turn' and you just decided that you wouldn't go? And you split your children up?

No wonder your son is calling your MIL 'Mummy', he is probably wondering WTF is going on.

And no wonder your MIL isn't over-keen on you, if you so openly prioritise your Mum over not only your DH's family, but your actual DH! And one of your children! Nothing on this earth would persuade me to spend Christmas apart from one of my DCs.

Thetallesttower · 02/01/2014 10:34

The fact that the twins were split up is precisely why I think the twin with them is talking about mummies, queens and the MIL- he's just trying to make sense of it all and work out why mummy isn't there. This 'whose in charge' thing is really common at this age, and children will play parents off against each other. It needn't be a biggie, although you don't have to get on with your IL's as you clearly don't.

clam · 02/01/2014 10:56

Well, going slightly off-topic, I'd knock the idea of "turns" for Christmas on the head for a start.

On the main theme, however, I do think you're over-reacting slightly, but I can see where it all comes from. And the fact that your fil went out of his way to explain your son's remarks show that they too are aware you're sensitive on the subject.

Once you get him home, then I might be taking steps to re-draw some boundaries with the PILs, however.

koTinkaBell · 02/01/2014 11:01

I'm with goldmandra, relying on both sets of grandparents less is a good way of getting control back.

might it be better to spend Christmas at home and let grandparents visit if they wish? alternating is a good choice if you feel you really don't want to do your own Christmas. it seems sad you and your h couldn't agree on a solution that would allow you all to be together.

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