Help me think: can I risk another relationship?

[Uptonogoodagain]

Hello all, it's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake thinking and MNing. Here's what I'm thinking about:

H and I separated about a year ago, initiated by h. I was devastated at the time and up until that point was 100% committed to the marriage, had never thought of leaving etc although I had admitted to myself, but not others, that I was in a 'difficult marriage.'

I started counselling in Jan and all through this year have had weekly sessions, sometimes more. As I've done all this it's become unavoidable that the marriage was very deeply abusive in lots of ways. I feel now that I am
starting to be able to think about certain aspects of the abuse but there are other aspects (sexual ones) that are still too painful to really think about. In short, I an very scarred from this marriage and I think it will take a very long time to heal. There are also complex issues with the dc and the effects of h's behaviour on them - this is ongoing and tbh really hard. I work ft, and have a full life and most of the time am pretty happy, even with all the facing up to the abuse - in a weird way, facing and naming reality is allowing me to be happier than I've been in a long time.

Here's the question: I've been in contact with some old university friends, and have been chatting online to one whom I've hit it off again with. I haven't met him irl yet but am meeting him and a group of others soon. I know he's single, straight and would like to meet someone. The other night we were messaging on FB for over an hour, a mixture of deep stuff and funny stuff. He is a genuinely nice guy, and I've recently met up with his best mate who said that he thinks we'd get on really well.

I just don't know if I am still too messed up though for any sort of new relationship. I couldn't face another abusive relationship. Also, I don't trust myself - I fell for h - and last year I thought someone else liked me and it turned out he was just a flirt! So I am not sure whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill here. Also, I know deep down that I would like to be with someone, but tbh I'm just scared of getting do badly hurt again.

Thanks if you've read all this - just writing it out is v v helpful and any advice or 'I've been there'nwould be really good if you've got any! Happy new year xxx

I'm still unravelling bits of damage from my previous relationship which ended 6 years ago. No idea if/when I'll have it sorted in my mind.

I tend to think much of life is messy and awkward but being with DH, having DS and generally looking forward makes it worth it. Ultimately it's something only you can know but for me, following up soul searching therapy with having fun with DH worked.

I think a lot of people who have been in LTRs/marriages prior to the internet age can often mistake chatting online/flirting online via dating sites, Facebook, etc, for something that it is not.

Millions of people flirt via these chat services but often have little or no intention of developing a real life relationship.

You have to meet up in person and take things from there. You deserve a good, happy relationship but you will not get one unless you get out there in the real world and meet guys - just make sure that you find a good guy this time.

So go on, go online and suggest meeting your friend for a coffee or a glass of wine.

Make your own happiness.

Wow you have been through it! Don't give up on relationships and finding happiness with another man though. It sounds like you have made such good, positive steps with your counselling and talking to old friends, getting your life back on track - I cannot imagine how hard that must be after an abusive relationship.

Definitely meet your friend. It might not turn into anything, it might just be a casual few dates or even another big relationship - you just don't know, but you won't find out until you do if! Even if nothing becomes of it at least you bit the bullet, doing this in a group setting is also perfect, more conversation chances, much more relaxed than a 2 person date. You never know where it might lead!

I don't see any reason why not, if you're sure your marriage is over and have made that clear to everyone. It's quite likely that situation you've gone through will be challenging and he may struggle to cope with that, though.

It's a new beginning.

Sounds like it has the potential to be really good.

If the relationship developed in to something there will come a time when you could let him know little about your past.

Meanwhile,enjoy it.

Thank you for the replies!

Yes, the marriage is definitely over. H asked me to get back with him last summer, but in quite a nasty way - it was along the lines of 'get back with me or I'll tell the dc that you split the family up when they get older' (except more subtle and coercive than that). I said no. I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else now, and I'm pretty sure that he's done nothing to address any of the issues that led to him leaving me. He gets wound up with me very frequently when we see each other - I seem to annoy him all the time, maybe because he can't control me any more.

I find myself thinking about h a lot though, about what happened and why I reacted as I did at various points. I feel like this last year I have gained loads of insight and become 100% more confident in who I am. This Christmas was the first without him and it was the best ever. But there's still a lot of deep thought going on.

One issue I haven't talked through with the counsellor in any depth at all yet is the sexual abuse, the way it happened, what happened, why I allowed it to happen etc - I have a fair idea of some of the factors involved though.

What I do know is that I've never had sex that wasn't abusive / coercive / self-diminishing. I do crave happy, good sex with a man (I'm very straight in my sexual tastes!) but is is it just opening a huge can of worms? I guess what I'm saying is that my sexual confidence is pretty much zero and if it went wrong with someone new, I think it'd floor me completely.

I don't know why I've not been able to talk to anyone about the nature and manner of the sexual abuse. Maybe it's the fear of falling apart completely and not being able to function at all in daily life - I come from a very 'stiff upper lip' family!

MN Relationships board was fantastic, possibly life-saving when the split with h was going on. So for that, a massive and very belated Thank you to everyone who posts here.

It's really sad that you've never had non-coercive sex Do you have any plans to attempt to broach (gently) with your therapist and have you heard of the Freedom program?

It sounds like you don't feel ready. That's ok. Take time to focus on yourself for now. Keep chatting to bloke if you like but let him know you're not up for anything more for now. He'll wait if he's really interested.

Unravelling sexual abuse is hard. But you will be ok. Well done on how far you've come already.

I don't know if I'm 'ready' or not, I'm not even sure I know what that means.

I think I'm reaching a point where I do want to talk about the sexual abuse in a very safe space. I think I might like to post about it on here tbh, as I find the anonymity here very safe (I know it's not really, penis beaker etc). I posted on MN and said things before I was able to say the same things to the counsellor. I have heard of the Freedom thing but haven't done it.

Meet him and see? He's your friend, meet him as that and see how you feel. You don't have to risk anything yet.

I think posting about the abuse on mn is a good idea. I suffered abuse as a child and I can write about it without much difficulty but I find it far harder to talk about. I've posted about it on mn before and it's helped a lot.

I think you should definitely do the freedom programme - in person not online - it'll help prepare you for addressing the different types of abuse you have been put through.

Is it hard? Yes, it is. Is it a magic bullet? Sadly no, but it is worth it, very much so.

The way you are right now is totally stripped back/raw/exposed in emotional and psychological terms. You feel vulnerable, scared, self doubting.

You don't think you could defend yourself IF you encountered another abusive relationship.

If you do the therapy, if you do the FP, and whatever else you can find, support group etc, you will be shoring yourself up, strengthening yourself, and insuring yourself against it happening. You'll learn to spot the signs, and to reject those that display them. Then you will feel strong enough to know you can handle anything and anyone that comes you way.

I had a DV group I attended - free too! - if you're anywhere near aldershot, Farnborough, Basingstoke or south coast, let me know and i'll get you in touch with the Taking Steps Project.

Little by little, tiny steps at your own pace you will get there.

This FB person isn't the end game, he's a step towards you having a normal relationship. I saw off a few chancers, dumped a psycho and then found a guy that I went out with for a year. I needed to prove to myself that I could have a non abusive relationship. And I did. I've been on my won again since April, turning down opportunities to go out, because I wasn't bothered.

I'm now gearing myself up again for another toe dip in the dating pool. Not sure if it's what I want, but being single seems to be a lot about me being lazy and hermit-like. I'm mid-40s, not dead!

You'll get there, you really will. DA takes a long time to heal from, and if you don't do anything to heal it, it won't get fixed, ever. You are addressing it, so you will succeed.

Be kind to yourself lovey, you deserve it!

Thank you Hissy, that all rings very true. It is taking a very long time to process what happened within my marriage and tbh I haven't got many people I can talk to about it in RL. We had some friends staying over Christmas and I had a very long, deep late night chat with one person and shocked myself at the things I was saying, things I haven't told anyone. I was very deep into the mindset that the marriage had to be protected at all costs, and that I had to keep my h happy at all costs. Now I am in a completely different space.

Maybe part of the fear of a new relationship is the fear that I'd step back into my old, deeply unhealthy but well- rehearsed role. The Freedom programme does sound worth a go.

Thank you again!

Remember that WA are always there to listen, if you need to talk.

Talking and allowing yourself to understand that you were very badly treated will help you understand the situation.

You will change from:
"I was very deep into the mindset that the marriage had to be protected at all costs, and that I had to keep my h happy at all costs."

to:
I am worth protecting at all costs, and no relationship is worth my destruction. I have to keep myself happy and healthy. I have come through so much, I can come through anything.

When you get to this space, for a while you feel like a superhero! Quite rightly too! You have overcome and survived a horrible experience.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft books? they really are really very good

Hello again, and thank you :)

A bit of an update: I saw my counsellor this week and I was more open than I think I've eve been. We didn't talk about the abuse as such, but about one of the very big factors in it that I am still struggling to come to terms with (the role my religion plays in this - my religion is v important to me but has truly enabled the abuse, I see that v clearly now. I still believe but in a very different framework. Please don't turn this int a religion bashing thread!) I feel as if I'm starting to free myself on a much deeper level than just not being with xh any more.

Meanwhile, I've been chatting with the other guy online, most days really. We both like the same obscure rock bands and have been to the same left-field music festivals, and he's sent me music recommendations. We've chatted about TV and stuff like that, nothing obviously flirty. I've got to say though, I had a bit of a panic this afternoon when I messaged him and he didn't reply for a few hours (pathetic, I know). It made me realise that my self-confidence is very very low - I was fearing that I'd put him off, said too much or messaged him too much etc (even though it was all music, TV etc). He was part of the same group of friends at university and we all spent a lot of time together then - this was 20 years ago.

I'm thinking a few things: 1) is it normal for a bloke to chat on FB this much to a woman without there being any attraction / hope? Is it likely that he'll have looked at my profile, seen I'm a LP etc, seen my photos etc and checked me out a bit? Or is this normal matey behaviour?

2. My fear of 'not being ready' is partly a fear of not knowing how to have a romantic relationship that isn't abusive - I've only ever slept with xh, and that was after our wedding (thanks, religion), and so this is like being 14 again but worse because I'm 40 and I have a whole heap of quite nasty baggage. So how do you have 'normal' relationship, or how do you learn how to do that?

I'm meeting this guy with the same group of uni friends soon - I've seen some of them a lot in the intervening years and others not at all - I've not seen him since we all graduated. I am slightly nervous, tbh. I know from various things he's put on FB that he's single and would like to meet someone.

Where to next, do you think?

I had a very long abusive relationship and was TERRIFIED I couldn't ever have a normal healthy relationship.
I knew I was fundamentally 'attracted' (read, used to) abusive men. I made a conscious effort to educate myself and retune my twat radar,just like you are. I actually also dated a lot to put it into practice and realised I had become really good at spotting red flags and being able to erase these men instantly. I dated with the clear boundary set that I was not looking for anything long term/ heavy relationship. But gradually learned to trust my judgement.

Also, building a very strong single life allowed me to look at any potential relationship as only something I wanted not needed. I was fine on my own so could 'dump' immediately if anything pissed me off. That sounds completely normal to most people but coming out of an abusive relationships, it's a blinding lightbulb moment. And the first time I did that I literally high fiver the air and sang some Beyoncé.

So, where you are.... I don't necessarily think a full on boyfriend would be ideal. A dater, casual type might be nice just to test out how your boundaries are doing (sounds awful I know) but you've a lot to lose getting involved with someone. It's early days and unravelling all the stuff that went on simply takes time and practice.

I felt the same, but did every course going, Freedom Programme, group therapy, private counselling, read books, posted on her, private FB groups, you name it.

When the time came to date it was excruciating! I was so terrified, so emotionally invested so soon, but gradually I got stronger, grew a skin and am more or less there.

I know that i'm a lovely person, that i'm good enough for ME, and my ds, and that's all I care about.
I'm not about to jump through hoops for anyone. They will get 'me' or they don't.

If they don't, it's no reflection on me. It's their choice.

I'm 3 yrs down the line and a heck of a lot of grunt.

Yes, you'll find it hard to begin with, but it does get easier.

PM me if you need to? If you're anywhere near Hampshire, I can recommend resources.

Thank you both. Hissy, I'm not in Hampshire but I have made contact with my local Women's Centre. Steps forward! :)

Super! Well done! Take all the help you are offered love! So many people will want to help you.