Think my marriage is over... So sad.

[IsabellaBird]

DH and I have been having problems for many years, no big dramas, just a general drifting apart. For the last 13 months we have slept in separate beds (in fact we did so long before that too, but always with an excuse eg wakeful/poorly kids, pregnancy, bad backs etc etc.)

this morning I initiated a heart-to-heart, said I was tired of us living a sad life and although I said we had a long way to go I suggested we start to try sharing a bed again... we joked that we would keep our pjs on...

well as the day drew to a close I felt more and more nervous and went up about 10pm hoping to be asleep before he came up... But couldn't rest. When I heard him coming up I felt awful (poor bloke he has done nothing to warrant this) and he came in and started closing windows/ fiddling with curtains etc, then got into bed and I just lay there absolutely still and silent, he said goodnight and I couldn't even reply.

Luckily one of the kids wanted something so I got up and dealt with that for longer than was really needed... But then I just could not go back in... And now I am on the sofa.

I don't think it is ever going to get better for us... Not sure why I am posting really... Just feels so pointless and lonely. Thanks for reading.

Do you love him?
Is it just you feel awkward and not actually comfortable with him

Nothing to add- but I am sad that you feel sad. First night was always going to be difficult- worth another try? And have a hug x

I want to be open to the love coming back, as that would be the best result for my family, but it just won't.

Ah maybe it was too much to hope for all to be well straight away. Perhaps I need to just calm down and stop expecting so much.

Go get into bed and just have a cuddle. In the morning tell him how you feel. Best of luck op.

Go back I think don't rule out the possibility yet, maybe you are so used to not being together at night , a rut??

You seem to want to make it work- so don't write things off love- I am not a touchy feely person but what about counselling?

That actually sounds positive. If it's there and you work at it then you have a chance.
I agree go and have a cuddle. Maybe push yourself a little further than you currently do so a kiss goodnight or ruffle his hair as you walk past. The small things that happy couples do but that might have slipped.
I think it's a bit like laughing, forcing yourself to laugh actually makes you feel better and so more likely to laugh naturally.

The fact that you're both willing to try is wonderful and makes it worth a shot

Thanks everyone for being so kind. No, even a cuddle feels a world away... Never mind. We have at least talked openly today, rather than being ostriches.

Start off with having a cuddle in bed together each night before the other goes off to their ownbed and see how things progress from there.

I think lookingfoxy's idea is brilliant.

That's a good idea lookingfoxy at least then I might get some sleep!

In fact I am going to suggest that tomorrow. Good old MN.

Do you knw when / why you started drifting apart? Was it some behavior if his that put you off him?

Yes, I would say start with the closeness and intimacy OUTSIDE the bed and hopefully that will lead naturally into the bed at its own pace. The bed itself has so many unspoken undercurrents about it that it is no wonder that you would feel nervous and overwhelmed. I imagine that he felt the same, but at least you were both willing to go there.
By the way, if the problem started because of an inability to sleep together, then it is possible to still have seperate rooms, so long as the intimacy is going on!

sorry to hear this op
you sound really sad. do you still love him or is it the fact life has got in the way so you haven't had much time to create intimacy and time into each other? could you try relate?

Yes it was behaviour of his that put me off, and I asked him to change a couple of simple practical things about 5 years ago about division of work etc but he wouldn't and still hasn't.

We have just tried another talk but it hasn't gone well and I find I don't want the pre-bed cuddle tonight... will try again in a couple of days.

Sorry if I am a little brief in my replies, it seems disloyal to reveal too much online. It's just a very sad and private thing and it is a relief to get some other views. It is very much seen as me causing problems. He likes things simple and polite, I think he would be content with a very superficial relationship so long as the boat doesn't rock that's all that matters.

sounds like the marriage I just left....

Realistically no amount of forcing yourself to ape intimacy is going to make things better when the cause of the problem is still there and is a pretty deal breakery problem (inequality and entitlement),

Incidentally the things I needed (going in later to work so he could take kids to school and I could WOH) but when we were married were "completely impossible" are, now that we have separated, seemingly freely available... Just makes me feel sadder about the marriage and how he resolutely wouldn't consider my needs but on the flip side I'm now doing some voluntary (career relevant and complimentary to the law degree I'm studying) work with a view to finally getting a real job.