Kissing phobia? Normal?

[anitaroddick]

Nc'd for this. Wouldn't do normally but for some reason I'm particularly embarrassed about this. Especially because I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don't know if it should be in relationships but it is and was affecting my relationship(s) so hopefully...

Ex"D"p and I broke up recently. Emotionally doing fine with that and am going to try and make myself take at least a year out of things (in terms of "romance") so that I can get to know myself again and whatnot.
There are plenty of things in that time that I'd like to do to be in a better position in the future, increase my self esteem, etc. Be happier. One thing I have no idea where to start with, however, is my fear of kissing. I'm not sure at what point something becomes a phobia so, clinically, I'm not sure whether it would constitute that or not.

I've had my fair share of sexual partners and never really had a problem with kissing. I don't know when it started but at some point during my most recent relationship. There were only one or two events in that relationship that I can think that could have triggered it (few things way back) but to be honest I think if they were related I'd have put two and two together and the fact I have no recollection of it 'starting' makes me think it just came out of the blue. At least a year ago I'd say, though, so for the last year or so of our relationship we didn't kiss. I'd pull away, etc.
We still maintained a healthy sex life although I am/was uncomfortable with various other forms of intimacy- eye contact, touching, hand holding, public displays of affection, etc. Those apply to all my relationships, though, friends of romantic.

Not only can I not tolerate being kissed or kissing, but I cannot watch it or hear it described. It makes me feel physically ill so I need to cover my eyes/ears or look away. I can manage a peck on the lips but it makes me quite cringey.

I don't know if this is quite common, completely bizarre, or what. Does anyone have any experience of something like this? I feel like it might obstruct me (in the far future) ever forming a healthy relationship with someone if I cannot kiss them/be kissed. Most people want that, right?

Sorry for such a long post but I'm not sure if everything is likely to be related or not so I've included everything I can think of. I can't afford any form of therapy as I'm a student so that's a bit of a no go. Although long term I could save up for this if it was the only option. I have had CBT for depression before (I'm not sure why because I didn't want or need it) so I have been trying to apply those 'methods' to the way I think about kissing but I don't seem to have a thought process to alter, it's like a physical repulsion/reaction and very much a compulsion to look away/avoid.

Has anyone had this, come across this? More importantly can anyone think of anything that might help me address this problem with myself?

Thanks for listening/reading!

Never heard this but I think you should go easy on yourself. Stay away from everything kissing related for as long as it takes for you to want this again. I have a similar weird thing from my previous relationship and after 3 years of not living together anymore, I feel like I could contemplate this step again now, albeit in a watered down form :-)

jeeeez, don't come and live in France.... it can take 15 minutes to say hello / goodbye between a group of 4 people.

seriously though... hypnosis may help ?

No, don't stay away from anything kissing related! Not dating for a while would be a good idea but avoidance is the worst thing you can do with anxiety disorders inc phobias. CBT will be helpful but you need to use a more behavioural technique called graded exposure. It means gradually desensitising yourself so that you can tolerate it for longer periods and eventually not experience the feelings of fear/disgust you do now.

While gently approaching kissing related stimuli you may find it's easier to access the cognitions around it at the time.
A therapist will explore this with you, and the things you mention that may have triggered it.

And, while it's not something I've come across, I assure you the therapist won't think you're bizarre or weird, and you won't be the only person to experience this. It's possibly significant that you struggle with other types of body contact too, is it a sensory issue would you say?

Thanks JaceyBee. I think a general "babysteps" approach might work. I've avoided it for a year (or longer, I don't remember) already and in any case it's impossible to avoid-it's all over telly. My neice wants to give me a kiss goodbye, etc. So it does get in the way.

I don't know if it's sensory. I have never been a tactile person but the other stuff has definitely got worse along with the kissing. I don't like people touching me, find eye contact tricky (some but not all the time), hugging. People talking very intimately (not sexually, but about "love") makes me get the sick feeling also. Which is obviously not sensory. Although I think I've always found that difficult to listen to so possibly unrelated.

I did have a few months where sex was tough because I was getting a lot of pain but I think that was a psychological thing brought on by a betrayal and as I forgave it got a bit better. I couldn't say if it is still a problem because it was never a problem when I was "alone", only when with exdp.

Maybe whilst I wait it out (in case it improves on its own?) I should save so I could see somebody. I feel like a bit of an idiot but will feel even more so if it's still a problem in 20 years time

I hate watching it it films. Especially the closeups with tongue everywhere. Yech.

i felt like you when I was at school so avoided relationships until I was older. don't know why either maybe its linked with rejection? I was worried I would be a crap kisser!!

I googled it initially assuming it might be common and have a common reason, or something. Nothing came up really except like you say, BuymeCake, young people avoiding it in the first place. I understand that. I understand people with germ phobias not liking it either- but I have kissed plenty of people and enjoyed it until a year or two ago.
I don't really have any worries about how I kiss or how other people will perceive I kiss. I don't think that's ever been an issue. I just can't stand the thought of it.

Bragmatic- to be honest I'm not a fan of 'soppy' films so I've probably always been a big 'yugh' (I know some friends/relatives are also) but just not to the same extent and with the same strong physical reaction (stomach turning, heart racing, etc) as now.

I've never really liked it. I'm not sure that makes me weird; some societies don't kiss at all. I think the difference with you is that you used to like it: it may be worth exploring what has changed, and why?

^^ BlueStones, has it affected relationships at all?

I don't need to kiss people. It's not life or death. But my concern is that if/when I eventually want to see new people, my rejection of their lippy advances will affect them negatively.

Where don't they kiss at all? Maybe I need to move there! Problem solved.

I've never really liked it either to be truthful [or watching it]. I'm not 100% happy with eye contact and being tactile either and I'm sure there are many more the same. I've always been the same though [don't come from a tactile, demonstrative family] but am ok right at the beginning of a relationship then slowly withdraw as my trust goes.....

Not a problem for me though as I'm staying single. But please don't feel weird about it.

Dirtybadger, I don't think so. I won't do tongues but I can deal with closed mouths, and men seem to have accepted that without me having to say it out loud.

I have heard (possibly from the Journal of Anecdotal Anthropology, I can't recall the exact reference) that mouth to mouth kissing is a phenomenon of the developed/Western countries (or was until the spread of TV). I seem to recall that in Papua New Guinea and remote Central American tribes it's not really done.

I might be talking bollocks, though. It's been known.