How I make peace with my mother when she has told me never to contact her again?

[InsanityandBeyond]

This Xmas and NY period with no family contact has been awful and really heightened my anxiety and depression. Fell out with mother due to questioning my childhood abuse and having it out with her with regards to her divorce from my father and her making contact difficult so no further contact with him from the age of 6. Siblings all sided with mother and apart from 2 of them who sent Xmas cards last year not this year, I been NC with the rest of them for 3 years.

I have 4 DC with my DH (who is also estranged from his family, his parents live abroad, he has siblings here in the UK, due to him marrying out of culture) and I hate it that they only have us, no one else gives a shit about them . I blame myself for us being on our own (although I know this is irrational and it is due to my conditioning from childhood). They remember busy Christmases and NYs we had with my very large family when they were younger and said that they wished it wasn't just us .

All last night, I was hoovering around my phone hoping for a 'Happy NY' text from any of them which of course I did not get. Ditto presents for DC at Christmas. It is riduculous.

Mother will not answer my phone calls, texts. I do not have her address as she has moved. She may even be living abroad now as she and my stepfather were planning.

My mother broke me down as a child, she made me think I was an absolute nutter and I should hate her for it so I have no idea why this is still causing me so much pain.

I being stupid aren't I?

How CAN I make peace and ridiculous crap spelling.

Oh, I was not hoovering all night, I was hovering fgs!

No you aren't being stupid. It is very understandable to want your mother to love you and to seek out some demonstration of that. Sadly she does not sound like a good and loving mother. You are better off with no relatives than with hateful ones, though I know that's easy to say and hard to put into practice.

Do you read the stately homes threads? They are for people with toxic parents. I'll go and find the link for you.

No of course you're not stupid.

My question is why would you want contact if she abused or was aware of your abuse and stood by?

Not stupid. But I do think you're on a hiding to nothing if you are expecting any kind of explanation, apology or empathy over your childhood experiences from Mum. The situation sounds like someone with their heels well and truly dug in. I think, when extended family is dysfunctional, the only solution left is to focus on your 'tight family' i.e. you, DH and your DCs. Strengthen that by building up your social circle of friends that you choose to be with, and create your personal universe. Reinvent yourself almost. New Year... new start?

Here: the current stately homes thread for survivors of dysfunctional families

Maybe you need to make peace with never having a good relationship with her. Repair yourself, not the relationship with her. When you've bolstered yourself up, only then, risk re-establish contact.

Have you read running on empty? Jonice Webb.

Why do you want to make the peace?
It sounds like she has done awful things to you.
Could it be closure you need, has she actually told you to your face she doesn't want any contact.
I am so sorry, I know from similar circumstances how you feel.
It has been xmas where we have images of happy families, it isn't real but it makes you feel like there's something missing.
Once kids are back in routine, I bet they won't mention it.

You need to make peace with yourself, not your mother.

Pointless really trying to get on with the woman. What do you expect? Even if she were to admit the abuse it would till be 'your fault'. Even if she says sorry, it would never be enough.

Best to let it go (hard I know). It won't help you otherwise or your children.

Anyway - in a way you are a tad luckier than some on these boards whose parents want to remain in touch even when their children don't want it but feel obliged by guilt!

Concentrate on those around you who do deserve your attention.

Unless she has had a major character change I would not bother.