When (if at all) can you trust someone again, esp when children involved?

[Mummy321]

My partner and i have not had a smooth ride. He has issues (including alcohol issues) and has suffered some personal traumas in last few years, more than anyone should have to deal with (inc death of sibling).

A situation has arisen, probably over the past 12 months - he disappears for days drinking, uncontactable, eventually turns up, sometimes hammered, sometimes sober). This happened when I was pregnant, when baby was 6 weeks old...

Each time I say "not again". Last time I really meant it. Therefore when he disappeared right before Xmas for 3 days with no contact (despite my constant calling etc), I did not have him back. I was so gutted, especially as we have a 6 month old so it would be his first Xmas (He has blamed me for missing his first xmas, but then says he knows it's his fault). As it was Xmas I had to be honest to some extent with my parents who were coming. In some ways was a relief as was massive secret in my life, but I was so ashamed.

It's been 2 weeks. I am still furious. I am alone and lonely and struggling with 2 kids when I am so sad (i hâve a 8yo with ex). New year and not a good start!

He's making the right noises - restarting bereavement counseling, speaking with AA.

I feel sorry for him as he is suffering with grief, and deals with it with alcohol (I have been really supportive re grief, I feel). There are genuine issues.

However can I ever trust him? My 8yo loves her stepdad but given her age I have had to tell her (softly) he's not well and has gone. Before I could excuse a couple of days with a work trip.

He's desperate to come home. I said he needs to fix him, then we can look at us. But I think it might take months? Should I get him to move stuff out (he's at stepdads)? I don't want to confuse my kids with him yo-yo-ing in and out of their lives.

I hate the thought of having another failed relationship, 2kids by 2fathers etc. I also hate the thought of the rest of my maternity leave on my own (putting aside money implications ). But I am feeling relatively strong, I've done single parent before so can do it again.... I just feel so disappointed and alone.

I am going to sound so harsh here and I really hope I don't offend you, but he needs to get better on his own, you accepting it is allowing him to keep doing it, unless he wants help he wont get better and taking the steps he has is good but he needs to keep it up.

I have gone through so much this last year, but I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict

Don't have any experience of this bu FWIW I think you have done the right thing.
Your Children don't need to see him coming and going, disappearing for days whenever the going gets tough for him. It's not healthy for anybody.
Sounds cruel maybe , but lots of people have had life shit on them like a ton of pigeons and they don't turn onto alcoholics and don't behave in such a way. Sounds like both of you have been making excuses for him and it needs to stop if he is ever going to get any better.
Stay strong for the Kids. You can do it Mamma!

He needs to turn those "right noises" into actions and show signs of personal growth before you even consider letting him back in.

And you need to use that time wisely too. What sort of man deserves another chance? Can he be that man? And only when you have real evidence should you begin to entertain the idea that it could be him.

And be open to the idea that the right answer might be never him. You are not his mother, nor his therapist.

" But I think it might take months? "

And it might take a lifetime. Right noises aren't a bad start but that's all they are at this stage .... noises. I'm also going to sound harsh but you're going to have to operate from the assumption that he is not going to recover from this and plan for a life where you are not dependent on him for anything. If he does get help, makes the effort and succeeds in recovering you're then in a better position to decide if he's worth taking back.

Thanks all, taking it all on board.

I am conscious that at this initial stage I am swayed by my feelings of loneliness and feelings of pity for him. But I need to see the bigger picture.

The point about people dealing with LOADS of crap is my point to him. Eg even if something terrible happened to me, I would always know my responsibilities and would hold it together for the kids.

I know it's right to plan life without him,,, I just worry if i do that (eg tell him to properly move out etc) he will fall apart completely

That's a risk he's been taking for a long time, by the sound of it. When you say 'restarting' bereavement counselling, that suggests you've been this way before?

Sometimes they need to hit the bottom to be able to work their way back up, i know this happened with my OH years ago his problem, he was depressed as it was and got in with a bad crowd started doing recreational drugs and drinking too much had already started the downwood spiral by time id met him, which i had no idea about the seriousness of how bad it was. Until he started dissapearing on benders and turning up looking a mess. We were together only 4 months and i had enough, we kept in contact and his life just got worse, he ended up OD about4 months after id finished him. This was a massive wake up call for him he got councilling he moved back in the family home, and we started spending more time together eventually getting back together.
I got pregnant after 6 months and my biggest fear was him going back to his old ways but touch wood he hasnt so far and this was 7 years ago but it will alway be a worry to me. I guess you could say i made the biggest gamble of my life. Anyway ill stop rambling on about me.

Think before you can do anything for him he needs to realise whats happening, and it sounds like hes on that track. He needs lots of support and reasurance off you and other family members but at the same time he needs to know that you mean what you say and 1 more chance is 1 more chance, i know with my OH he is scared stiff of loosing his children and the home weve made together. I dont know what else i can say really with us everything sort of fell into place on its own eventually but it did take months of support, he was still going to councilling when ds1 was a baby. Its not a race its a very long walk.

Good luck hun x

Thanks and I should add that I'm sorry to hear what some of you have gone through

Cogito- he had a few sessions after his brother died. But stopped mainly because of the cost. He realizes it's worth the cost and is also going to gp tomorrow to see about being referred thru NHS. I don't think he took his problems seriously before, thought it was me fussing, and he was still at home.

Tia, thanks. He is quite a closed book so will not share much with friends. He has little family left. I have spoken to his brother in New Zealand saying I think he is having a breakdown and needs support, esp as his brother has suffered the same loss.

Should I get him to move out his stuff,do you think?

Mummy321 - I guess if hes a very private person then it makes it harder, he needs to find that 1 person who he feels comfortable with. With my OH it seemed to be me which was hard because i had really fallen for him and although i wanted to kick his arse for the way he had treated me while on his benders but at same time it melted my heart felt so sad for him we were/are pretty similar in ways both struggled with loosing close grandparents, had problems with school and bullying and confidence issues, had been cheated on numerous times, lost a baby with his ex, anger issues his list was so long. Anyway added with my long list of problems i could really relate to him, He came a little obsessed with me while we were seperated from him i know people think im mad for getting back with him but he really has changed his life - sorry im rambling on again.

Should he move his stuff out? I honestly dont know he needs to know you mean business but has he got a safe place to go? Like i said in my other post sometimes they need to hit the bottom before they can realise how serious things are BUT, if he could really do with somebody watching his back.

Hi just wanted to ask ho things were? x

Hi and thanks for checking in on me.

Not very good. He's short and mean with me and I am so upset with it all. Also am so embarrassed he abandoned us that I have not told any friends, well one 3 hours away and my parents who are on holiday. Feel very lonely and struggling to hold it together for kids (but obviously am holding it together)

I just feel he is making no effort with us, or anything really - he's been in his stepdads flat alone 'sick' for a week.

His gp visit went well thou, from what he said

I can't help reacting and saying how crap and useless he
Is... Doesn't really help anyone I know....

He's going to get some stuff tomorrow

Am thinking, for my own sanity, I need to leave him to sort himself- not call, worry about him etc.

Its ok love. Oh doesnt sound good.

Do you think you would rather be out of it? At the end of the day you have to do whats best for you and kids it is an hard one i didnt have kids while i was going through similar so wasnt has hard in that sence. What was he like before all this happened? Could you ever see him going back to his old self?

Hi, Thanks for the support.

He has left. I took his stuff to him as he was too lazy to get it. I have since found out some additional things about him and feel like I just don't know him. He has serious mental issues, addiction issues, etc.

he thinks this is a good time to go on holiday abroad (!) so is no doubt having a fantastic time, leaving me here with the kids alone. Again he is uncontactable, doesn't care how we are. He has not seen our baby for a month! Yet claims he loves her so much. We arranged twice for him to come see her, first time ill (he is always ill) second time didnt show- I think he was boarding a last minute flight but he would not respond other than to say I was "having a go"...

I am doing ok. My parents have been a great support since I have opened up to them more over past couple weeks. i have also started telling friends, who have been supportive. I feel very sad stil, but not so alone.

Thank you all. I feel stronger.

Just need to think about how to deal with access now for our baby. That is once he gets back from his holiday. Tbh I don't trust him and clearly don't know him and might insist on supervised visits.... We'll see how it pans out.

Xx

I assume this is the same aggressive man you posted about last year when you were pregnant and recently updated the thread?
Sorry for everything you've gone through but I think you and your children are better off without him. I would definitely insist on supervised visits give his past behaviour.
Good luck in the future. I think in the long run you will be happier without him

I would tell him that essentially you are separated and you might consider letting him back in your life once he is sober - and by that I mean at least 1 to 2+ years sober. With an alcoholic it is not just the drinking, but the behaviour that is horrible to live with. And that messes with everyone they come into contact with, including the children. He needs to work on him, and the right noises mean nothing, he needs to do it. He needs to change and got to AA 7 days a week for a long period of time and do whatever it takes. The chances are he will let you down. You need to see him leaving as a blessing and he is not your project to fix. Start looking after you and get all the support you need from your family and friends.