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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Violent OW, apparently

20 replies

Dressingdown1 · 01/01/2014 14:43

This is on behalf of a friend (really!), so it is only her pov and I don't know how much she has added/left out. I wasn't at the event, so can't add any objective information.

She and her exh still live in the same house, as they can't sell it. Last night she went out with a group of friends to her local, and her ex was in the other bar with his OW (not implicated in the divorce) and her parents. Foolishly, friend approached the ex and his party and a slanging match ensued, during which the OW's mother threw a glass of water over friend. Friend remonstrated and OW hit friend twice in the face. At this point the ex and the publican intervened and friend left.

There is a history of DV with the ex (and on one occasion, the friend) being arrested a few times and detained overnight. Because of the previous problems friend does not want to involve the police, she is worried about escalating the situation. Her ex stayed away last night, not unusually, but she is now concerned about how he will behave when he returns home.

I really don't know how to help her. We live too far away to help. I feel she needs to call the DV unit but I understand her hesitation. Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Offred · 01/01/2014 14:47

She could have called the police at the time and reported the assault but I'm unsure what use the dv unit would be for this incident as it was not her ex who hit her but his new gf, if I have read it correctly?

The whole thing sounds a mess, she shouldn't be harassing her ex while he has a quiet drink although I can quite understand how her feelings could run away with her. The gf's mother shouldn't have chucked water on her and the gf shouldn't have hit her. The whole thing sounds a mess tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 14:48

If she won't involve the police and if neither of them are prepared to move out then they're going to carry on living under the same roof and then the tension & resentment which caused the bar-fight is going to get worse and, yes, she's probably at risk. Would she call Womens Aid? There's nothing else you can usefully do if she won't approach the right people for help

MuttonCadet · 01/01/2014 14:49

Sounds like a JK situation. But if it's her X new GF then it's not DV is it? Tell her to call the non emergency number.

Unless of course she kicked off as well and it's just 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

ItsTrueLefou · 01/01/2014 14:51

Sounds like a JK situation

Doesn't it just? How vulgar. They all sound an absolute delight

Offred · 01/01/2014 14:52

I think that's slightly unkind tbh re JK. Agree with cogito, the sooner they can live separately the better otherwise this high drama will be par for the course.

ItsTrueLefou · 01/01/2014 15:00

Why is the JK reference unkind? Water throwing...people getting hit...separated partners sharing the same house...it's got all the makings of a classic JK episode! The OP says that her friend "foolishly" approached the other party so I'm guessing it wasn't to wish them a happy new year...yep they all sound typical JK fodder!

qazxc · 01/01/2014 15:00

I don't think it is DV as her ex didn't hit her, just separate her and GF.
After this incident though, maybe her and ex might have to rethink living arrangements, either sell at a loss or him live with gf but maintain his share of house until they can sell.
The incident itself sound like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

Original poster

Dressingdown1 · 01/01/2014 15:00

Yes, they need to live separately, it is just financially impossible until the house sells.

I think that friend may have missed out some relevant information about what she said/did from her account, but I am still worried about her. Her ex has a short fuse and she is quite vulnerable. I have suggested Womens Aid, and she is considering the idea.

BTW they are both very middle class "respectable" pillars of the community, on the outside.

OP posts:

Lweji · 01/01/2014 15:13

Can't she get an injunction or a residency order or whatever with the history of dv?
Could they rent out the house, if they can't sell it?

Original poster

Dressingdown1 · 01/01/2014 15:52

Thanks to everyone who replied. I really don't know how to help as both she and the ex have dug their heels in and refuse to discuss their options sensibly, or even comnmunicate at all. I can't really condone her behaviour but I still worry about her iyswim.

OP posts:

muddylettuce · 01/01/2014 16:25

It won't be viewed as dv if the ow hit her but it's still an assault. She could go to the police. If she and her are worried about what might happen when he gets home but yet won't contemplate going elsewhere then just ensure she always has her phone with her, switched on and charged to call 999 with should she at any point feel she needs to. Better still, if there has been dv or abuse of any kind in the past ensure the police are aware of the history. To be honest, they really need to separate physically!

Offred · 01/01/2014 16:52

Dv issues aside if they live together and refuse to look at ways of living separately (both moving out and renting the house out for example) and refuse to communicate sensibly there is nothing you can do. All you can do re the DV is direct to women's aid really.

perfectstorm · 01/01/2014 17:25

If there is a history of arrests for DV, has she not considered getting an Occupation Order? If she's living in fear of him then he can be forced out of even a home in his sole name for a while, that way. Agree she needs to call Women's Aid.

Are there children involved in this?

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/01/2014 17:43

An Honest question.

How would an Occupational order work as they both have records for DV?

Original poster

Dressingdown1 · 01/01/2014 19:10

The DCs are grown up, the youngest still lives at home but is about 21. I don't think my friend is coping with the situation at all, I am sure she is depressed and finds it hard to think coherently. She cannot afford any more legal fees and may have messed up her chances of getting an occupation order anyway, as Boney says.

She was arrested about a year ago for spitting at her ex during an argument, he was arrested at the same time. The police apparently were "fed up with both of them".

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 01/01/2014 21:01

I missed that it was both ways, Boney. I have absolutely no idea if it can be applied or would in that situation - presumably it would depend on comparable severity of incidents, if it was possible (ie spitting less serious than clobbering) - what a toxic mess.

The fact kids have grown up in the household is horrible, too.

fiftyandfab · 01/01/2014 21:07

Classy. Not. Surely friend knew there'd be a chance she'd run into them. Why put yourself in that situation? Definitely a JK moment.....

beachside · 01/01/2014 21:27

So your mate left the room she was in, deliberately went into the other room and started the confrontation, theres a history of violence from them both and the female version of your classic pub brawl started.

You sure this wasn't on East Enders?

If you really want to help your friend, tell her to start by looking at her own behaviour.

Lweji · 01/01/2014 22:21

I had missed that the friend had also been arrested. Regardless, I think injunctions or occupational orders could be obtained even if both are guilty of DV.
The orders could be reciprocal and to protect both partners.

Still, the best advice you can give her is to let go of him and the house and seek counselling for her.

Annonynon · 01/01/2014 22:28

What a nightmare, I'm really not sure there is anything you can do to help

It obvious they need to live apart though I understand its not easy. Until that happens the problems will continue

The ow (though she's not actually an ow but a gf) doesn't sound great but your friend doesn't either really

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