A New Direction

[LilyJoAndMe]

Yesterday morning I told my husband that I was sick of his grumpiness and general bad temper over the Christmas period.

Because this has been a constant repetition for some years I said that it was enough for me. I told him that unless we could agree on how to integrate our anger into our relationship in a way which would still allow us to be happy and then stick to our agreement then I would contact a solicitor and begin divorce proceedings as from the 2nd January as I believe that'll be the first time they will be open.
All day yesterday we worked on it and I refused to celebrate NYE until we had made some firm commitments .
After many faltering discussions, interspersed with many cooling off periods, I was left alone by my H who stormed off into another room shouting he was sick of me.

I feel very frustrated about making some in-roads into this problem which I have been so disatisfied with for years and then to find that my husband did not stick by his commitments . He told me that, instead of saying something horrible he would say "I'm too angry. I'm stopping ". But he didn't .

When we first met it was NYE. So this time feels important for me. It feels like it should be a watershed. I need there to be a turning point or I will waste too much of my time being unhappy with him.

My problem is that I can only see the change in our marriage coming if he is prepared to change some of the things he does regarding dealing with anger. I am tired of hearing that he will do- that he is working on it- we have been in relationship counselling for 2 years now . in the meantime he continues much of his destructive behaviour around anger .

I am frightened that he will continue on like this for many more years to come and I am angry with him for not changing this faster.

I am prepared to use this day to try and get these important changes. If there are none then tomorrow I will make my appointment .

I am scared at both prospects .

Can someone write to me?

Sorry you're going through this.

Is this the first time it's come to this? Have you laid down an ultimatum before?

Have you and he had counselling?

Is he talking to you today?

2 years in counselling and no change? I might be time to call it a day.

Do you have happy times? Do you love him?

I think you've taken the best approach and now you have to be prepared to follow through. Doesn't sound like a snap or rash decision. If he can't even keep a promise for a couple of days and if he's only been giving lipservice during two years of counselling then there doesn't sound like hope. Whatever happens today, I'd suggest you keep that appointment with a solicitor anyway. Get the information together.

It's not the first time I have come to this conclusion . But, before I don't think I was ready. I would throw it into the air in frustration or desperation. Now, I feel that what
Bragmatic has said is true. 2 years of therapy has not been enough to help my H with this problem and I don't know how many years he needs.
I do know that for a long time I have needed protective boundaries in our relationship and that my H has problems doing this. Perhaps this time I have really been clear about my needs and I am able to hold my own without feeling too afraid of the consequences.
I am less worried anout my son financially. He has got his qualification and I won't have to spend too much money on him. For my daughter I'd have to take out a loan I think. The financial problems would not be easy but I'd be able to survive. There are things I would need to change in order to manage my life without him. But it would be possible.
These thoughts are not easy for me to allow into my mind and until now I panicked. At the moment I'm not.
Regarding counselling - yes we have both being seeing therapists - individually and as a couple. They cost us money and I need to know that my H is putting in the effort regarding our couple.
Since I wrote my first message we have begun to talk again. I have insisted on my H commiting to saying " I stop" when he feels too angry.
The problem, however, lies with the word "too". In fact, in therapy I have learnt that he has a lot of difficulty
identifying his feelings. I know that there are reasons in his past for this. However, at times , I do find it very difficult to be his partner because of this issue with anger. Whilst I was talking with him and now that I am writing this, I remembered that the therapists explained that he severely lacks understanding of feelings. In fact, this knowledge is of tremendous help to me as I am writing this.
Yesterday, we blocked when it came to knowing when to stop. I said I was able to talk when I feel angry and he said when we are angry he wanted us to stop . I found this both frightening and frustrating. I could not conceive of how either of us would be able to express our needs if we were not able to feel and talk through our anger at times. This is not how I interact with others and I really couldn't imagine how we would be able to progress if I agreed to his request and accepted it as a baseline for our relationship.
When I was listening to him again an hour or so ago, as he repeated that he wanted us to stop as soon as we are angry, I realised that we must have a very different level of sensitivity towards our own feelings of anger. I am aware of it very quickly. I hold onto it. I say I'm feeling angry and I say why I feel like that. I believe I can stay in tune with myself and am beginning to think that it is as a result of that process.
My H, however , never says "I'm feeling angry because etc..." He just ploughs on or storms out. Yes, that's it, he'd make a good stormtrooper at that point. The problem is that the fight gets nasty. I don't feel that he values the efforts I've been making and he just ploughs on and on until he becomes aware that he is extremely angry and then rapidly loses control of himself. I don't know if this is boring to you, but to me it is a tremendous help talking it through here .
I feel less scared at the prospect of continuing talking with him. Another thing that I have remembered is that often behind my or my H's anger is fear. I am beginning to wonder if when I get angry he often responds to me angrily, whereas he is, in reality, afraid . If this were the case then it would explain why he has been so insistant that we both stop talking when we feel angry !
Thankyou so much for being there and reading this. Thankyou also for the questions and suggestions. It is such a big help to me.
I do agree with Cogito that I need to stand firm now and I will think about your suggestion about going to the solicitors even if today is better. Now , I am looking forward to seeing how my H responds when we continue our discussion . I am also going to ask him about the fear part too.

Wow - that was long eh !

I have spent more time with my H and I do feel that we have reached a much better understanding of eachother. I know that I went into detail in my last message. For me it was essential. After, I was able to ask my H about his almost immediate strong, aggresive response when I say I am feeling angry and I felt immense relief to hear that he is very afraid that he has gone down in my esteem and so he argues and argues .
This is by no means perfect but finally we have found many keyholes which we believe we can unlock to find a better relationship in 2014. As a result of our discussions we have written a little guide for ourselves to follow in order to express our anger whilst aiming to make our relationship a happier one.
I really thankyou for being there - those that have read my messages- those that have replied - and those that have set up Mumsnet. It has been a great help to me. You have helped me in this turning point in my relationship for the New Year 2014.

I wish anyone who reads this a very Happy New Year for 2014.
My H has agreed to save our champagne for the end of this week. We want to open it and celebrate our sticking to our new guidelines . I hope that we'll be able to celebrate a Happy New Year First Week .
I'll keep you posted.xxxxxxxxxx