What's wrong with me?

[womblesofwestminster]

Any psychology/relationship-enthusiasts want to have a bash at hypothesising what's wrong with me? Please do. I feel mentally 'broken'.

I've been with DH for almost 10 years (we have a 2 and 3 year old). The relationship has its ups and downs. Sex life nil. I have a history of anxiety and depression stretching back to my teens. When I gave birth to DC1 I had TERRIBLE PND. About 8 months into my PND I began anti-depressants and they transformed me. Whilst I'm still vulnerable to bouts and anxiety and depression, it's not chronic and constant like it used to be. Most of the time I feel on top condition. At least I am until DH starts on me, or something bad happens at work, but it's mostly it's DH.

DH is unpredictable (like a woman with permanent PMS). Whenever he's having a bad day he will become volatile, argumentative, spiteful and sweary (I made a thread about this in AIBU a week ago and apparently most blokes are like this when they're stressed). When he does it, it takes me by surprise and always knocks me out of my "top condition" mental state. When it happens, I feel the anxiety flooding back, I get tearful, get a headache, the shakes, my chest feels tight and I get pains in it. I also feel overwhelmingly lonely (and this is the part I need you guys to help me understand). I have many friends. And when I'm feeling on "top condition" I am happy with the state of my friendships. But when the anxiety and depression grips me, I reach out to them (sometimes turning up crying at their door) and then feel stupid afterwards. Sometimes they're just not available at the time I need them. So here's my questions for you guys:

1. How can I let the behaviour of one person (DH) have such an effect on me? Why do I do this? Why can't I just shrug him off and recognise that he's just a grumpy fuck?

1. Why do I feel lonely when I'm depressed/anxious, when a few hours earlier I was fine?

1. How can I stop this cycle? I feel mentally weak, a wimp.

Quite frankly the answer to 3 is LTB if he doesn't take responsibility over his own behaviour and improves substantially his part in the relationship dynamics.

You are right that you only have control over yourself, but part of that control is that you don't have to stay.
It can be quite freeing to think like that.
You are not joined at the hip, so you can walk away if he's making you ill.
Tell him you won't put up with the way he treats you and he has two choices. To treat you with respect and kindness or lose you.
If you have a clear plan in your head of how you'd do it, it will help you be confident about your decision.

And be actually prepared to leave of you are not happy.

Women's aid groups it will help u understand everything that ur asking and more it will also help with confidence I have gone 3 times now as I needed refreshers please even if u don't go at least look it up. Have a chat with one of them

If you are apart for any length of time, do you feel calmer?

This is a clear yes. However I think 'abuse' is a little extreme. I read through all of foolonthehill's links, and only one (the first one) applied to my situation. There others list behaviours (jealousy, possessiveness) that my DH simply doesn't show.

Loopdeloop09 Women's Aid are pants. I've been once before (previous partner). They are only interested if you are being beaten black and blue. Seriously.

OK if you don't like the word 'abuse' but are you still maintaining that all this is because you are mentally broken or have we convinced you that a big part of the problem is the ... let's call it 'bullying' ... behaviour of your husband?

Overwhelming loneliness is a feeling shared by a lot of victims.

Sorry to be away.
I see you have many questions left...no surprise.

Someone who does those things could be classed as exhibiting abusive behaviour...he does not have to tick all the boxes to be abusive. People who operate in this way operate at a level that they feel is acceptable...one will draw the line in one place another somewhere else. And you can drive yourself loopy trying to figure out "why?"

I hope you can continue to explore what is going on and find your own clarity...but, even more, security in knowing the difference between what is right and acceptable in a relationship and what is not.