MIL relationship (or the absence of it)

[Aria11]

Hi and merry christmas to all in the forum! I am a relatively recent member but have benefited already from a number of discussions here and I would really like your opinion on this. I am married with a toddler, who is now 21 months old. My husband is British (I am not) and his parents were separated long time ago. Since we have been together, his mum has not shown at all any interest on us, even though we called her and visited her from time to time (just to say that within a period of 6 years, she had only come to see us once and this was because she was visiting someone else close by). I was hoping that with the arrival of DS, she would show some interest for her grandchild (not even to us), especially since I am from abroad and I would like for my DS to have an extended family here. However, this has not been the case. She brought some presents at his birth, but since then she has called rarely to see what how he is doing; not even on his first birthday (she just ordered a couple of puzzles from Amazon). Now, again I would (try to) accept this, if this was not for the fact that I believe that she is discriminating between her kids. The sister of DH just had a baby and the MIL has been much more involved in this. Even this Christmas that we went to her house, she had photos of the baby in her mobile and she has regular contact with her daughter. In addition, she has generally shown much more interest in her oldest son and she always goes on about what he is up to. All these things suggest to me that she does not want us in our life. While this is painful (because we do not have other family around), I feel I cannot accept it anymore. Not only because, as I said, she is discriminating between her kids, but also because I feel that she pretends in front of others that she cares about us. For instance, this Christmas she asked us in front of all the rest of the family whether she could come to visit us (the only time that she has come for a visit since the birth of DS is when her trip to Istanbul last year was cancelled). So, what I am thinking is next time something comes up, I will raise the matter with her, not asking her to show more interest but to stop pretending that she really cares, as I really find this really disappointing and upsetting. My husband agrees with all this but he says there is no point entering into a discussion with her. Any advice would be most welcome.

I honestly think it's your husbands choice that you have to follow. If he doesn't want to discuss it with her, then you have to just start making a happy life for yourselves without her in it.

Honestly, it's up to your husband to do this, not you. Step back and let him handle the details of whatever you both decide.

Hang on.... you live in Istanbul, she lives in the UK and you're expecting her to keep jumping on flights or rack up international phone-calls just to keep tabs on your DC? Be realistic.

No, Cogito the OP talks about being in the UK and says the only visit MIL made was when her holiday (to Istanbul) was cancelled so she went to them instead? I think? She says she is from abroad so wants her DS to have an extended family "here", ie in the UK.

OP I understand why you're upset, but at the moment you have a distant but not at all hostile relationship. If you do this:

So, what I am thinking is next time something comes up, I will raise the matter with her, not asking her to show more interest but to stop pretending that she really cares, as I really find this really disappointing and upsetting.

• it can only make the relationship worse. I think nodding, smiling and just accepting that she's not that interested, however hard, and stopping hoping for that is the only option likely to make life happier for you and your husband. I also think that while this must upset you, it must be a lot worse for your husband, as it's his own mother behaving in a detached way. Making a big deal or otherwise about it should be his choice and not yours, as you aren't the person most or even mainly affected. Trying to make up to him what he isn't getting from his mother would be kinder than drawing attention to it and focusing on your own hurt at the disinterest in your baby, I think. She's not actively nasty or unkind. And honestly, it's very common for grandmothers to focus on their own daughter's children, and I can sort of see why in an age of high divorce rates and where so many MIL and DIL get along so badly. The emotional risk of developing very close ties to a DIL's children is sadly a real one. I also think that we are to an extent programmed to be closer to our daughter's children than our son's, again because the maternal tie is so powerful, and you aren't her daughter. It's hard, but it's so, I think. My MIL is pretty obsessive about my husband and not at all interested in my son, and I just try to foster a relationship as much as I can (DH takes him to visit, for example) and accept it is what it is.

I also don't know what your cultural background is, but internationally speaking the UK isn't big on extended family ties in comparison with many other countries, so your expectations may just be different to hers.

OK... my mistake. Generally I find it best to take people as I find them rather than set them on a pedestal and/or have too-high expectations of how they are meant to behave. You can't force this woman to like you or insist that she treats everyone fairly. If she wants to keep her distance, respond in kind. If she wants to visit, extend the courtesy.

Have you invited her to stay? Do you make a big effort to make her feel welcome and wanted?

Or why not invite her for a weekend away where you are on neutral ground?

How often is your husband in contact with her? Dontheybtalk and write and email as often as his siter does? How near is his sister to her geographically? Perhaps she has stepped back because your husband isn't reall that involved with her?

Many thanks for all the replies. First, we all live in the UK (she intended to travel to Istanbul for holidays), admittedly in different places, so I fully understand that she cannot visit often (this does not explain though the absence of phone calls, not even on the DS's birthday). And, as perfectstorm suggests, I come from a culture where big families are the norm and that's why I felt the need to raise the matter here in order to understand better how the cultural norms in the UK may be in such situations. What for me is upsetting is that she is really caring more for her other two children (i know it sounds stupid that I noticed it but she has photos in the house of her first son's marriage and the baby of her daughter but none of us). And while I understand that this may be 'natural' for the case of daughter-mother relationship, this does not explain her preoccupation with her other son (even more than with the daughter). My husband feels really hurt from her behaviour and I thought that one way for dealing with this was to point out to her that while we cannot demand any meaningful relationship, it is no good either to pretend that everything is fine. Going back to cultural issues, I see her behaviour as somewhat deceitful. But I fully understand that my husband could only raise this issue with her.

There are often threads on MN about DMs favouring one sibling over another - it is quite common. There is not much you can do if she favours her other son over your DH (except stop seeing her so much so that you aren't constantly reminded).

Are you worried that the fact you are foreign is making her behave like this? Because it sounds like it is something that is longstanding and nothing to do with you. Very hurtful for you DH but I don't know how you change it.

I think you will have to accept that your DCs will not be as much in her life as her other DGCs, sadly.

We have invited here a number of times to come and visit us. But we have stopped doing this lately (although my husband told her recently that she should come to see us more often). And it is true that her daughter lives in the same city with her, but this does not explain to me (at least) the fact that she does not even call us or the fact that she visits her other son, who lives in the US, more often. As for husband, he used to call her and visit her. We even spent Christmas with her this year in the hope that she would appreciate this, even though it would make more sense (in terms of time) to visit my family. But I felt really depressed when I got there and I saw that nothing has changed. So, we decided not to spend Christmas with her again (at least in the foreseeable future). My worry though is that in doing this, we will be seeing as cutting off from her and that is why I thought it would be best to at least say something before this happens, so that she knows the reason.

What was your dh relationship with his mother like throughout his life? Different from the other siblings? Is the chemistry different between siblings? Did you notice a favoritism between siblings before you all had children.

Honestly it is not your place to bring this up - you have no idea what the historical family dynamics are....you will cause a lot of hostility.

What about your FIL - how has this relationship gone?

Be cross and disappointed behind closed doors - but just decide how much you want to invest in this relationship for your son and dh - and just get on with your life. Have you sent you MIL a photo to display?