Can a marriage work again, 2nd time around

[friendsyougottalovethem]

Married my ex-h in 1997 (both aged 26) and had 2 DC together, built a house together (nightmare), both had stressful jobs, he was rubbish around the house and as a dad - he just didn't get it. I resented him, pushed him away, withdrew affection, not proud of that but he was terrible.

He left in 2006, we sold the house and went our separate ways. I was devastated. I still loved him. I knew I hadn't always put him first (kids/job were what I focused on) but we both had our faults. He began to have the kids loads and had to be there for them, he finally fell in love with his own kids after he'd left. They grew really close and have great fun together now - they love him to bits! I call him Superdad now!

We eventually divorced in late 2008 but there was always something there between us. We would text each other and were always supportive of each other regarding the kids. I began a new relationship and he too was seeing someone. None of his relationships have lasted. My relationship was never perfect but I did put my all into it but it wasn't to be.

My relationship has since broken down and my ex-husband has been texting/phoning me a lot. He has told me he still has feelings for me, isn't the same man he was when we were together. I know he would like to try again but my head is not in the right place.My spilt is still very raw.

My ex-h is a lovely man, hard working, attractive, family orientated and I know we could make a go of it but something niggles at the back of my mind. it's 8 years since we were together. In many ways he's like a stranger that I feel I would have to get to know.

I've been reading about boomerang marriages and know it does happen!

Well, you were both young and am sure have changed a great deal. Why not take things slowly? Don't jump in with both feet and definitely do not tell the dcs for a long long time?
I wish you all luck

He may be superdad now, but would he be a superhusband?
He could well let it all on your shoulders again.
You say they have great fun, but does he shoulder any day to day? Could he do it?

I don't say don't do it, but thread very carefully.

Why not start to get to know him again and see if he has really changed?

I have a friend who was divorced and apart from her ex husband for over 5 years. They got back together nearly 10 years ago. They never remarried but celebrated their '25th anniversary' recently.

So, yes, it does happen.

Taking it very slowly is probably good advice though.

Good luck.

I am attending a wedding of some friends who are getting married for the second time after a good 10 years apart with other partners. They are both in their late 40's now, have children with each other and they are glad they had a split and feel their relationship now is way better than before. they ahve been with each other a couple of years now.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

My dad's cousin married a woman, divorced her and married another woman, then divorced HER and he and his first wife got married again! They have now been married for over 30 years and have been very happy this time around. So yes it can definitely work and it sounds like if you got each other back you would appreciate each other much more this time.

My uncle and aunt never actually divorced but she had a serious relationship during their separation. They've been back together coming on a decade now.

Just go slow and this is one of the few instances where I advocate keeping something from your children.

I think if people split up because they'e inherently incompatible they will probably end up divorced again, but if they split up due to outside circumstances (you mention stress etc.) and behaviours which could easily be changed (you mention he was an unhelpful Dad) then lessons can be learned and all the things you loved about each other might mean you can start all over again, wiser, stronger and with all the tools to do it right the second time around.

This is something I'd really like to believe in because sometimes people lose people they love for reasons, which in hindsight, were a little silly.

I really hope if you try it works out for you. I'd say not to be scared. Being scared makes you not do things and I'd rather try and get a little battered than not try at all

xxx

I am really terrified. Our DC would LOVE it, for DS14 it would be a dream come true but I have to do it for the right reasons - for me, not for the kids.

he wants to prove to me that he's changed and make amends. it's so scary.

the logistics too are complicated, how will we meet with no one knowing? But I suppose we would find a way if we wanted it badly enough.

thanks everyone

Of course you can spend time in secret. Id not get the kids hopes up. Happy New Year xxx

My parents met age 11. Married age 26. Divorced 25 years later. Neither remarried and had no contact with each other for another 25 years. 5 years before my mother died they got back together. My dad would have married her again in a heartbeat. Their final years together were happy. It does happen.

Hmm couple of red flags here. The fact he did so little is an attitude issue. He felt it was OK to let you to do all the domestic work (almost certainly because you are a woman). People with that attitude rarely change.

Also you mention you didn't always put him first. Your priorities at the time were correct. Why do you think you should have put him first?

A friend remarried her DH after a 2 year divorce. They are very happy and I'd say probably together forever.

I split from my DH, and got half way through a divorce before we got back together. We are happy, finally. I don't think we ever really were before. We loved each other, but for some reason couldn't make marriage work. Being apart taught us a few things about valuing what you have.

Give it a go, you'll always wonder if you don't.

I think my DH was annoyed that I gave so much attention to the DCs and wanted more for himself when the DCs were younger. Is this why your exDH was being a useless father first time round? Felt he wasn't getting enough attention from you?

Not that it changes anything, but it might explain his behavior.

You've just got to hope he doesn't lapse back into lazy mode again, though now the DCs are older that shouldn't happen.

Perhaps you should explain to the DCs that you are going out sometimes but that they shouldn't have too high expectations from this.

If they should discover you are seeing each other secretly they will def assume you will be getting back together.

Are you only considering this now on the rebound? ie in the raw state of a breakup? Have you thought of this before? Do you think that you should prioritize preserving your existing great parenting relationship...and just take it slowly?

Can you just not spend more time together to get know each other again?

If you all get on great as a separated family - why would it be odd to be seen together? Why would you care?

Is it so black and white or is it just step by step is sex the big line that you need to cross to know what you want?

I have thought about the rebound thing.

He was jealous of the time I had to spend with our DC when they were younger, he felt pushed out.

Since he's lived on his own he's had to manage his house, kids, job etc. He's much more mature now, he's grown up a lot! He parents the same as me - we're relaxed and it's all about fun.

He's dating someone at the moment, it's early days for him and he says it's not serious but I can't go there if he's still with her. I just wouldn't do that.

I think he wants the go ahead whereas I would rather just meet up with/without the kids and see where it goes.

I left my wife during a period of huge stress in my life. I saw her as an extra burden at the time, but I was clinically depressed and didn't know it. As soon as the fog cleared I realised I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. After a year apart, we got back together and it's even better than before. Luckily she loved me enough to realise we all make mistakes, and I love her enough to never let her go again. Good luck!

This is very interesting. I have recently realised that I think I'm still in love with my Ex and am considering talking to him about it.

I will watch this with interest.

Good luck OP