Hi, my name is MatildaMatilda and I'm a sulker

[matildamatilda]

Can you help me? Every so often, like once every two/three months, I SULK at my husband. There might be a legitimate beef at the heart of it, but instead of just putting on my big-girl pants and saying something I sulk.

For instance, instead of saying, "I don't want to go on that overnight trip. You go ahead and no hard feelings," I kind of say "Okay," and but I think to myself, "Where does he get off planning another trip when he knows how much work I have?" It sort of builds up in my head. And I give him the cold shoulder, etc.

I don't entirely freeze him out, I just say hello and the minimum of civility, instead of the usual openness and affection.

It's not all the time, by any means. Just once every few months maybe. Otherwise we're loving and friendly with each other.

Last night he said it was a hurtful emotional game and it hit me that it's really kind of abusive to sulk at someone, to make them uncomfortable in their own home.

Before I've been telling myself that I just need some alone/quiet time when I'm low, but in fact that's different from actively sulking at someone.

Normally I can say what's bothering me in a plain, no-drama way but every so often--I don't know what comes over me.

My husband doesn't deserve this crap. What can I do to stop?

Hmm...sulking is wrong and pointless but it might help to figure out what triggers a sulk. Do you think it happens at times when you feel your dh should really know better (ie he's doing something you've previously asked him not to do)?

I sulk too and do it more often than you. I hate it but as my dh refuses to discuss things/argue it sometimes seems like the only option. He won't open up and discuss things, he prefers to let me get over it in my own time. However I spend days seething and sulking, it's not healthy but I can't see how else to manage it.

I think it's normal to be upset sometimes and not be able to voice our feelings, possibly because we haven't really reflected on them yet to voice them properly.
However, if you are upset you can still be civil or tell him that you are upset and will explain why when you can. It's better than just being left out.

Until you understand why you do it you may find it hard to change.

Start by reminding yourself he is not a mind reader. Just because something is clear and obvious to you does not mean it is to him.

Second , if you dont mean ok, then dont say ok. Why do you choose to do that?

Finally. Buy yourself some time. Say things like " let me think about that" or "i'll let you know later when ive had time to choose" or " i feel a bit upset, give me some time to think about it and we can have a chat."

But sulking is about punishing and it is unhealthy and it is pointless. And people lose respect for you for doing it.

I do that sometimes. I think it's because you want them to work out what you want/need for themselves, and you want to punish them for not doing that.

I realised a while back that it is very manipulative and rather immature, so I really try not to.

Just make a conscious effort when you start feeling that way, to go and talk to him instead.

Thanks for the responses. HECT, I really like your idea of buying time. Sometimes I'll say, "Yup," without thinking and then it will slowly dawn on me that I actually don't want/agree with something but it takes me a while to even work out a coherent reason why.

Me too. It's so easy done. It's like we are programmed to say yes and then it dawns on us that we didn't WANT to! Then you either have to go along with it or be terribly rude and say i'm not going to after all. I think it's all bound up in this idea that we have to be polite, amenable, agreeable and all that stuff.

If you can hang on to those few phrases you buy yourself some time to think what you want. It's really useful.

Also, this idea that we have to have a reasonable, rational reason why we don't want to do something. Well, I don't want to, I just don't feel like it is a good enough reason! But I don't know about you, it used to be really hard for me to accept that I had the right to just not feel like something, and I didn't have to have a reason that someone else found acceptable.

It's quite possible not to go in a huff you know- no one but you is in control of your actions :)

It sounds like passive-aggressive behaviour: too scared to speak your mind so you go silent and expect him to work out why.

I'd suggest you google assertiveness training. Assertiveness is all about being able to articulate your emotions in a non-aggressive and non-confrontational manner.

Interestingly, one strategy is to say 'I'm not too sure about that- can I think about it for a while?'

However, you need to get to the bottom of why you behave as you do- is it for control? Is it because you are afraid of stating your wishes for fear of rejection? Is it because you like attention ( bit like a child) and want HIM to come over all attentive and ask why you are sulking?

Being adult is being able to say how you feel and take responsibility for those feelings.

Why do you go silent rather than speak your mind at the time?

Yeah he can be a bit naggy. Like if I say no thanks to something he might say, "Oh right you don't want to do that? Why don't you want to do that? Yeah, it's fine, I'm just asking." Five minutes later: "You really don't want to do that?"

I need to just call him on it I think.

Doesn't justify my sulking.

Thanks again for the thoughts!

I do this too. I always have good reason (DH being somewhere between sightly twattish and fairly twattish usually) but it's still not the right reaction. I think I do it because I'm so frightened of confrontation. I grew up in a very repressed family where everyone was always hiding their real feelings because they thought everyone else was so fragile. Now, despite the fact that we have a truly wonderful relationship, when we argue it feels like the end of the world. But I can't hide it if I'm upset about something. So I sulk and grump and imagine what I would like to say and then eventually I say it and the world doesn't end and actually I should have just said it in the first place.
Sorry- boring self-indulgent post.

I think you are spot on guy I do this too. in fact I am currently sulking as we speak. it is partly to do with the fact that when I get annoyed with dp he doesn't always think I am reasonable and then gets annoyed himself and won't listen. so I shut up and then we get all icily polite. waste of a day then really but one of us needs to speak first.

it is more commonly done here when we are alone or have not much on - like the first day of the hols.

I'll tell you when we are back on track k if you like live sulking thread .

My kids push me into quick decisions when I would like time to think. I tell them if they make me decide right now it is a NO but if they let me think it might be a yes. Works every time.

Oh, I've got a solution for that!

You turn it round. You make him justify himself !

"why are you asking me that?"

"I have said no, why does that seem difficult for you to understand?"
"I don't understand why you are asking me the same thing several times. Do you think that you can change my answer?"
"Do you think that I will have changed my mind in the last 5 minutes? No? Then do you not think that repeated questioning might be interpreted as bullying behaviour?"

keep going till he's like this

I used to do this.... It's a trait I inherited from my mum... She's so terrible for sulking and guilt tripping it's insane and then I realised I did it too

These days, when I find myself in mid-sulk, I ask myself what is the grown up thing to do - which is usually to talk about what is bothering you. Agree that you sometimes need time to process how you feel so I'll say to dh that I need some time and can we talk about it properly tomorrow/later etc.

Without wishing to be too unkind, sulking is pretty immature and having silence used as a weapon to punish, which is essentially what's happening, is very hard to live with.

The other way of looking at it is - what's the best possible outcome of sulking? Versus what is the best possible outcome of speaking your mind. Invariably, one has a much better outcome than the other!

I was sulking last week, or at least I was pretty monosyllabic and, imo, depressed. But it might have looked like sulking to DH.

The reason was not being in control. Being obliged to do something to suit others, when really it's not what I want at all. And putting your foot down and, for example, refusing would have either caused a row or made me feel guilty for being selfish. So you feel trapped into this thing that you don't want.

So really it is sort of repressed anger at not deciding my own life. I used to get it a lot when dealing with my elderly mother, when I was guilted into doing lots of stuff I'd rather not have although I didn't sulk then, just got on with it.

Last week my plans for the next few months were turned up side down as I have to now do what DH wants/needs.

Yes, I can relate to that Doris.

Most of the time I'm happy to do things to suit husband because he's awesome and I love him and we're married, etc.

But if I do say no, as I say above, sometimes he'll mither a bit, or I can just see that he's wounded and then I feel bad...

But yeah, maybe it's just about putting a foot down and saying, "Sorry you feel let down but that's not something I can do." And then getting on with it.