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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling so low- dh is a manchild and MIL issues

7 replies

FatOwl · 31/12/2013 12:57

I posted back in October in AIBU re MIL coming to stay.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1868941-to-not-want-MIL-to-stay-for-3-months

I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing, but the short version is we live overseas, MIL coming to stay for 3 months. I say yes to Xmas and new year, but not 3 months.
I got a lot of sympathy but the upshot is I need to grow a backbone and tell him no.

DH is EA and I am making plans to leave, but I will go when I am ready.
I caved over MIL. Over the last six months or so, our relationship has been much much better.

She is here now.

As predicted, she is driving me demented with the endless drivel and banality. She is winding me up so much, I am getting irrational and tearful (but I know IABU)

DH has always hated NYE, goes back to his childhood

DH has exploded over a missing piece from the camera. Quite true to form with him, a tiny thing will set him off and he is in a complete rage. I know how to weather it and so do the kids. It will blow over in a day (he'll probably be OK tomorrow)

He's gone to bed (which I am glad about)

Me and dds (12 and 15) are happily watching a dvd and will see in the New Year quietly.

MIL was sat with us, but is hand wringing about DH. She won't say anything in front of the kids (everything about her ds and family is so bloody perfect), so she makes a pretence about me going to see to the window in her bedroom and asks me what is wrong?

I said He's had a tantrum about the camera and she says I think it is more than that.
Of course it is, but what does she want me to say?
That her ds is a selfish manchild who treats his wife and kids like shit?

when Dh and me are getting on, he has talked to me about why he is like he is. His sister was the preferred sibling (still is, inc her kids over ours) and he was largely ignored as a child. She calls him by other names (his cousins mainly), which really really winds him up, and still treats him like a child (doesn't trust him to lock up at night, and criticises his driving etc), doesn't approve of his friends etc

I feel so low, if I was in the UK I would walk out now, but it can't happen. I have no residency status here without him, DD15 has GCSEs this year. I am about to do a college course which is part of my plan to leave ultimately- it starts in Jan (also timed to keep me out of the house two whole days a week away from MIL) and has cost me over a thousand pounds which took me ages to save, and I can't lose

I feel so low tonight esp, as FB is full of everyone having a marvellous NYE

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 31/12/2013 13:00

I'd take your dd's out & leave mil & sulking dh in the house
Could you & dd's stay the night at your parents?

FatOwl · 31/12/2013 13:01

My parents are in the UK :-(

OP posts:
HissymasJumper · 31/12/2013 13:07

What would happen if you DID tell her that her son is a bastard to you and the kids and that this is the tip of the iceberg?

TELL her that her hand wringing isn't helpful and that if she could just chill out and go with the flow for YOUR sake, it'd make things much easier.

The alternative is that she goes home early if she can't take it, which you would completely understand and not take offence at.

HissymasJumper · 31/12/2013 13:08

Could you go and live with the DC somewhere else close by (ish)?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 13:12

Why do you believe him about her? Manipulative types will spin a sob story & lie about anything if it means they get their own way.... mothers included. Willing to bet a crisp tenner that she has no idea she ignored him a child etc. SO tempting to answer her honestly, tell her what a rotten mother he thinks she is, light the blue touch paper and retire with a martini.... Good luck

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2013 13:14

You would have been better off using that £1k to pay for flights home I suspect.

FatOwl · 31/12/2013 13:20

I do believe him, I've seen it- she treats him like a five year old (even when he isn't deserving it- which he quite often does)
She definitely favours SIL and her kids, have put up with that for 15 years.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour towards me though

It has knocked me for six tonight partly because its NYE and everyone is having a great time (and know they are not, but that is what it seems) and it has been such a long time since his last tantrum (May)

OP posts:
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