At rock bottom and he will not go to RELATE- what now ?

[whatdoIdonow]

DH and mine relationship has been pretty poor for sometime, tro my mind it has hit rockbottom and we cannot get out of it. I have been to RELATE by myslef but he refuses to go , so I see no point in going on my own as he really has to face up to some issues.

I feel as though I am taking the blame for our bad relationship as he always seems to make out its my fault but he never takes any responsibilty for it.

We cannot spend a day togther without bickering its become part of our routine.

I feel asthough he totally dislikes me , before I met him I was ocnfident had a good job now I have given that up to raise our children . Me not working has made the money short but it has allowed him to carry on with his job and travel abroad wityhout having to worrying about his part in childcare.

There are so many other things that have gone onHe refuses to go to RELATE will not sit down with me to sort it out .. what next ?

He has told me I am massively overweight , I am not but could do with shifting about 2 stone. He fails to remember that I ran the London Marathon last year but since I have eased off the runing the weight has gone back on. He also fails to remeber that our GP has told him at the end of May he needed to lose 1 stone in 3 months and give up smoking as he was at risk of Heart disease.

I had been telling him that for months but he wouldn't listen to me !! He has not lost weight and has not given up smoking.

I find him very defensive about things , he binge drinks and when he comes home he is verbally absuive to me.

I want to put our marraige right but he seesm to be having none of it. There seems to be no ultimatium that I can give him.

What can I do ? Could I get him out of the house and not have him back until he starts making way to go to RELATE or changes his lifestyle. I am a total loss.

I don't know what you do now. Have you tried telling him you just can't go on like this? What does he say?

whatdoidonow - you sound like you could be me although dh has only just agreed to go to Relate althugh still sees it as a waste of money. I havent got a clue what you could do but it does seem that yoru confidence and self esteem are pretty low so I think i'd make it my priority to get those back up then you will feel up to anything

I have told him soooo many times that I can't go on, I am in taers everytime he has a day off. He just will not face the fact that we have a problem and says 'Lets just be nice to each other'. But then he will go out drinking after work spend the money we don't have, calls me overweight , tells me that I don't look after myself ... so whose being nice ?

My self esteem is very low, I have a plan to lose the weight and get myslef back into fitness and well I don't know I am at such a loss..

its very difficult ofr me to bit my tongue as I feel that I am then being very submissive. But I suppose that is the best way to go for time being , just ignore him.

oh whatdoidonow you do sound like me. I simply cannot back down (or certainly dont like to) and dh sees it as being "gobby". Obviously I dont like to argue back in front of the children but then I dont want to appear submissive and give them negative impressions either. I simply tell them he's sick in the head and we have a giggle about it

I think YOU know what you need to do, whatdoido.

You've been going to counselling, and it's starting to click and YOU deserve more than someone who verbally abuses you and abuses alcohol and refuses to try to make a modicum of effort to save your marriage.

Now's the hard part.

But you don't need justification for moving on, so long as YOU feel in your conscience that that's what you needed to do for you, for your sanity and survival.

Until then, whattodo, I strongly recommend you continue your therapy.

It takes a lot of self-esteem to break away from an abusive relationship.

Notice I didn't say 'strength'.

That's b/c you've already got that. It's just a matter of finding it.

Good luck, whattodo.

I really want to save the marriage, I have a friend who is going through a divorce at the moment and the upheaval for the children and the money worries is something I don't think I could deal with.

We have two lovely little boys and I don't want their world ripped apart. Already my oldest ( 5) is saying is Daddy coming home after drinking , I told my DH that if he goes out drinking I didn't want him home. I thoigh all out of ear shot of the kids , I just want it sorted becuase I don't want the boys being bought up in a house that bickers all the time .

Dh is being very defensive about our relationship, hence the drinking etc, as he wont face the problems thats why I want to get him to RELATE.

Perhaps I will still keep going.

One could also argue that the boys' situation is not being helped anyway precisely because of their Dad's behaviour towards you.

You need to consider the following. If they were to continue to grow up in such a household they could well take on their Dad's behaviour as their own norm and treat future partners exactly like he does. They will learn from him how to treat women; your oldest is already asking questions. Is this what you really want for them?.

Expat writes sounds words in her recent posting particularly with regards to self esteem; I would urge you to take heed.

You want to save the marriage I feel primarily because of all the upheaval it will cause if you were both to separate. What is worse - that or potentially seeing your own children growing up with such destructive attitudes?.

Better to be apart and happy rather than your children and yourself being miserable for then next, five, ten, however many years of the same. People only change if the will is within them to do so; I see no effort of his part to address the underlying issues.

Keep going to Relate on your own.

I don't know what to say really but your dh sounds quite abit like my ex dh. You'll come to a point that you just can't take it anymore like i did. And then once it's happened it will kick him in the face for what he's done.

do you love him???

Thanks for your replies.

TinyFox - yes I do still love him.

We have agreed to stop getting at each other and making an effort. Howvever all thsi will be OK until he goes on a binge session.

We wait and see eh ?

Thanks