please someone help me decide what to do....

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Am in agony at the moment. Have been aware for some time that "D"H has at least one online relationship which is a bit questionable. He has been mailing and messaging a woman for at least a year... About three months ago I confronted him on it. He staunchly denied there was anything more than friendship and gaslighted me on it etc etc. I didn't really deal with it at the time for various reasons and accepted his explanations even though I wasn't convinced by them.

Fast forward and I have found further messages with this woman which make it clear that at the very least there is an EA going on. H has always sworn blind he's never had sex with anyone else since our marriage and as this woman lives a very long way away this is plausibly true, but I feel that its a betrayal of our marriage vows and the trust has gone as he is clearly still in touch with her, has messaged her pictures of hearts, says he wants to see her etc. He has also sent similar messages to at least one other woman though I don't think that was reciprocated at all.

There are other problems in the marriage as well until now I thought none of them were totally beyond repair but they have put a strain on it and I am resentful that he still hasn't done anything to address any of them. He drinks more than I think is healthy I wouldn't say he meets the definition of an alcoholic and rarely gets very drunk but he drinks every day almost without fail -- and he is still a heavy smoker, despite my pleading with him every day for about 9 years to quit. Doesn't smoke in the house or around DD but enough that it is a serious health risk and I'm petrified that he is going to get a heart attack or lung cancer all the time. Since our DD was born nearly 3 years ago I feel he has disengaged from the relationship, though he is very loving towards her he never makes any effort to spend time with me, is very reluctant to do anything at weekends, preferring basically to watch TV most of the time, and has since her birth insisted on sleeping in a different bed to me, ostensibly because he wants me to co-sleep with her but I can't help feeling that there's more to it than this (and that it may be connected to this woman). I have talked to him about all these issues at various points and he usually dismisses them, will occasionally promise to do something about them but never actually follows through.

I have basically made my peace with the marriage being over if that's what has happened. I am more or less financially independent and can afford to raise my daughter alone if this is what happens -- it won't be easy and there will be logistical challenges associated with work, but I will manage.

What really scares me is breaking up the family and separating my DD from her dad as she adores him. She will be 3 in about 3 months and I know that if we are going to split it is better done sooner than later and not being dragged out interminably, but the thought of separating her from her dad breaks my heart.

I really need a serious talking to. Is there anything worth saving here or should I just face up to it and ask him to move out?

I've been in almost exactly the same position as you op. Don't whatever you do do what I did which was limp on for another 5 years 'working' on our marriage in the hope that things would get better. The children just became 5 years older and we've now been faced with telling them at 11 and 7 that we're separating. I wish we'd done it when they were younger.

Single parenthood sounds frightening, I was petrified. But it's fine! It's like it was before, except we don't have the miserable, grumpy, self-absorbed dad moping about. The atmosphere is happy ALL the time, we have fun, we laugh a lot. We're spontaneous, we talk about things, we enjoy life.

The kids see their dad each weekend but I try not to engage with him as he drains me. Without him around I can be me again.

I hope this helps to reduce your fears. I think you know you need to separate from this man. Don't put up with this treatment from him any more. Hold you head up and make your own life. It's scary but wonderful. And there's a man out there who won't do this to you, who'll worship you and treat you like a Queen. Why waste your life with this one.

Take care, you CAN get through this.

I was also in a position of having to tell a 15mo and a 4yo about a year ago. It's one of those things that you can't imagine won't be marked by some old testament style earth shuddering event, but it happened will a little piff of smoke and then it was done. Just the start of the road of course - it's not the telling, it's the living you do after that will affect her.
I have a couple of things that I found useful to keep in mind but have to post and dash just now. Keep strong x

DHTotalnob would be very keen to hear these when you have a chance...

How're you feeling today op? Hope you made it through NYE ok? It often makes things like this seem worse but hopefully today gives you hope of a fresh start?

Roller NYE was actually v calm, H was fine and it's left me feeling very torn, my resolve has really been sapped. Every time I feel I have made my mind up to do it I see DD with her dad and think "how can I separate them?" It's awful, it makes me wonder if I will ever get the courage together to do it.

Anyone have any advice for getting past that sense of inertia? When things are bad it seems lilt a no brainier to separate. But when normality sets back in its really hard to galvanise yourself to reopen things up again..,

I guess it depends on your ratio of bad:normal and how much bad you think you can put up with. With me the bad times ended up totally outweighing the good times but it took 5 years to reach that stage.

Before then there were some good times and I didn't think separation was financially an option so I put up with the bad times. But in the end I let it reach rock bottom before I got the courage to actually go through with separation. I wouldn't recommend Rock Bottom. It's an awful place to end up and makes you ill.

Can you talk to him? Can you be honest about how you feel and tell him how close you are to ending it? He might help you make the decision. I know how frightening it is, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but for your own sanity you need to push through if you can.

Honestly, it's worth it. I feel like a totally new person. Life has hope again. Happiness has returned.

Hope you're ok, I'm thinking of you.

sorry to hear this op
on line 'friendships' are a bugger
I was able to stop my Dh from his with a colleague
the constant notifications, speaking outside of work on social media- it got to the point she was saying she 'missed' 'speaking' with him as by then she had moved on- I told her to do one- his reaction was clear if I had not have noticed this it could have developed further she has tried to speak to him since but each time fails as he knows if he replies he'll have plenty of shit from me.

have you tried relate?
I'm glad she has a new job now, it could have been a different story......

Roller thanks. There aren't that many really bad times in the sense of shouting and screaming though there's lots of bickering. There are just lots of very mundane, dull times with occasional outbursts of sullenness and sulking etc. occasionally we have fun too but only ever really with DD. One of my big ongoing bones of contention is that he never plans anything with just me and him I can count on one hand the times we have been out and got a babysitter since DD was born and every time I have initiated and paid for it. Even when DD is involved he is generally reluctant to do things apart from eating meals, watching TV etc -- outside the house. If left to his own devices I think he would gladly spend his life in front of the TV. Whenever I have raised this with him he just says "DD is the priority now," as if hAving a child means you have to stop having a life as a couple.

It's not really bad in the sense where I am physically scared or anything like that. Just -- mostly, boring and soul destroying. And with this online thing I don't know if he is also bored or feeling neglected or just doing it because he thinks that's what you do in a marriage to relieve tension. But none of it is very satisfactory.

Thanks for listening though.

You sound just like me, this was very similar to us. We didn't shout and argue much at all, we just didn't do..anything. Well I did everything and H sat on the sofa watching football and being moody and nasty.

We never spent any time alone, I tried but he wasn't interested. Everything we did with the children was instigated by me. H wasn't ever interested in doing anything at all. It was like he'd just given up on us, both me and the children.

He drained the life out of me. It was soul-destroying trying to involve him when it was clear he wasn't interested. And then there were the online OW (plural) He checked out of our marriage years ago when he started these online relationships. They were easier than real life for him.

Be strong. You deserve so much better than this.

Roller thanks

Desp just about to PM you with my take on 'telling the children'.

But I just wanted to nod in recognition at the indecision you describe. I was in a similar place, but then discovered my STBXH had actually shagged someone and that really blew everything up in a big way.

Before that things were not bad in a way I could put my finger on and, as I'm a confrontation-avoider of the highest order, I would not have called time for a long while, if at all. So I'm actually glad in one way that he did shag someone as it certainly forced the issue and has given me a clear point of reference whenever I get the wobbles.

The only thing I would add, that might help you, is that I feel like I have learnt an enormous amount about relationships in this past year and, without doubt, emotional infidelity is now as unacceptible to me as physical infidelity. It might be easier to ignore, or less tangible, but it is just as poisonous and is a very clear sign that the relationship is not working for either of you.

How about thinking about what you need and deserve out of life OP?

You are having no sex at present and the person who should be your best friend and support is a drain on your life. While you are with him you are blocking the possibility of moving on, healing and if you want to, finding someone to have a really good life-enhancing relationship with. That would also be a better role model for your DD to see than your current marriage which is a sham.

It is like getting a rotten tooth pulled out. It hurts like hell but once it is done you feel better quite soon. The alternative is ongoing endless pain. Can you tell I went through this four years ago? I am so glad I took that difficult step to leave.

Yes I agree with that DH, when we first agreed to separate my H was keen to point out to people that there wasn't any other parties involved. Then I found out he was in the middle of yet another online relationship that had been going on 'long enough' apparently. He honestly didn't think they counted as doing anything wrong. Still doesn't.

But that was enough for me to finally accept that it was all over and we'd never get back together. I was still in denial up till then, and hoped that after even a temporary separation we might still get back together once we'd been apart. But that was the kick I needed. I'll never ever go back.

And although he'll never admit it, I think that there's a fairly high likelihood that these EAs weren't just emotional. I found out about 3 of them over the years so the chances are there was much more going on that I never knew about.

DH thanks: any chance you could resend pm? For some reason can't open it. Cheers all. Really appreciate advice and handholding.

My STBEXH left last year, as a result of 15years of lies, deceit, emotional abuse and EA that I found out about. He was a terribly lazy and bad father, never spent time with our dd or me, and I tried so hard to make it work. Turned out he'd signed out of our marriage long before, but as I paid for most if not all the household bills (he barely contributed when he was working, which was rare) I felt bad that I was going to ask him to go. I didn't want it to end (ridiculous I know!)but finding evidence of the EA's is what gave me that push I needed. He denied it, I found out he had lied about drug taking for the eighth time and there was no way I could stay with him. Yes childcare was difficult, working full time, but the hardest thing was putting my dd through it at 10 yrs old. A year later, I'm happier than I've been in years, our dd barely sees her father and is settled and happy. If you know enough now to write it on here, help you DC as early as you can. You will cope, and feel better for it.

You seem very concerned and guilty about the thought of separating him from his dd but a 50/50 split is more the norm now. You seem to be assuming you'll have full custody.

Or at least that it's you who decides how much and how often he gets to see her.

Billy you're right I do seem to be assuming that, maybe I need to be a bit more thoughtful about this.
I don't know if DH would want custody. Maybe he would. In the initial aftermath of a split though he wouldn't be that well off and I think would probably be living somewhere not massively suitable for a child. House is in my name, as are most bills, I am main breadwinner. I think initially H would have to live with a friend or in a shared house scenario. But you're right, I shouldn't take this as a given.

Should also add that H is not originally from here, has been here a long time but doesn't have any other family here, hasn't really got any assets (house, business etc) and hasn't got much in the way of savings. Outside of me and DD and our domestic set up and his job and a couple of mates there isn't much keeping him here permanently.

Its just possible he would want to go back to his home country (although he hasn't lived there for the best part of 20 years) and I would fight tooth and nail any attempt on his part to take DD there obviously (and I'm assuming the courts would tend to be in my favour here, given that she has grown up here and her life is here, but again, maybe I need to be a bit careful about assuming this). In all likelihood though he would want to stay here and that would be my preferred option, obviously, as I would want her to have a relationship with him.

The question marks about what he would want to do are an additional reason I'm nervous about doing anything rash here. I don't want, for example, to spur him into going AWOL to his home country suddenly just to piss me off. Even if it was just temporary.