Friend is a hoarder.....how can I help?

[MissMarplesBloomers]

2 friends of nearly 30 yrs are having terrible problems due to her increasing hoarding. I think she has MH issues as trying to suggest/ initiate a cooperative declutter leads to near obsessive checking& re hoarding of stuff from years ago (old phone bills, out of date journals etc)

I love her to bits but it's driving her partner & family away & any attempts by her DP or friends is seen as criticism. &yet she is always saying how frustrated she is about her DC 's mess but can't see her own!

This has gone beyond messy & I really don't know how to handle it, but can't stand by & see 2 people I love dearly fall apart.

Can anyone guide me/advise me on the best way to approach her on this so that she doesn't feel I'm against her but to reflect to her it is not normal?

(I have tried 2 years to help & she as so distressed by it I backed off but it has got worse)

Can't help but I think you are a lovely friend. My only suggestion until someone more knowledgeable turns up is to try and get her somewhere neutral to try and get a dialogue going.

You are right, hoarding is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder and I've read is notoriously hard to treat as the sufferer is in such denial. I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon

Ages ago there was a support thread for families and friends of hoarders. Got the impression that there isn't much you can do. You can not fix your friends mental health.

Interesting that she is critical of her DCs 'mess' but blind to her own...You can find pictures of 'levels of clutter' (the 'clutter image rating') via Google - I wonder if she would relate to 'scoring' the DCs rooms that she sees as messy, then scoring her areas and seeing that the score is the same, if not worse....

Your friend needs professional help from a Psychologist, but cannot be helped unless she wants to be helped (and, of course recognises that there is a problem in the first place).

She will probably lay the blame for the mess at everyone else's feet.......

Thanks all.

walk thanks for that advice, according to those ratings she is an extreme case. :(

She has had several bereavements(& prior to that the sole responsibility of 2 demented parents ) over the last few years as well as a very demanding FT job so I think juggling everything has been a strain for them all. She can be very critical & judgemental of others shortcomings so people tend to pussy foot around her (including her family) to avoid upsetting her at times.

I know I'm not responsible for her MH but maybe time for a few home truths has come. I just need to get some pointers from those that know so I can make a plan & go & see her.

My main reason is this NOT her normal self, she has always been houseproud ( but not OTT) and enjoyed having nice things around her. We used to laugh at her lists & organisational skills but now she I living in a tip & it impacts not just on her family. I spoke to her DO last week as our paths crossed at work & he was near to tears with frustration & worry about her.

It amazes me that you have all these hoarders on telly opening up their homes; it is the last thing they want to do usually, let alone accept help.

Only thing I can suggest is she go on some anti-depressant like Prozac, it does seem the wish to hold on to the past to such an extent, along with all the possessions, is down to past trauma and present depression. Just don't say the Prozac is 'because you're a hoarder' but as a pick me up. But this is ill informed advice, just a suggestion, still believe me this problem can go on for decades. Unless she is out of the way for a spell and you can go to town on the place, clearing it out unhindered, and even that would be just a stopgap till the next accumulation.

It's incredibly difficult if she hasn't accepted herself that there is a problem. Any talking and home truths will feel like an attack no matter how gently it is approached and all she will do is try to defend the mess as she takes offence. If she's already low, this is not what she needs.

I was not an extreme hoarder but was heading that way. I would defend my house to anyone because I couldn't see it as an issue. The thing that finally made me accept I had a problem was when there was talk of social services and it being a danger to my child. It sort of made me see it with new eyes and accept the help I was offered.

I think she needs bereavement counselling and needs to see MH professionals to help her slowly let go of the hoard. It's getting her to see that that will be the struggle.

Prof I agree, I think she is depressed but she refuses tomorrow see it.

Buffy thank you for this insight it is helpful, I don't want to confront her as such but yes I think counselling would be a help but getting her to see it is the trick. She isn't happy I know. I too have had various demons to cope with over the last few years & I know I haven't been there for her as much as I could have been, but I can be a bit more now hopefully.