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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found my dp ugly and it scared me

20 replies

hopingImneurotic · 31/12/2013 08:14

It was like a spell had been broken: I was watching him last night as he talked to friends, and suddenly, I felt, he was ugly. And I couldn't shake the thought. This is hard to explain, it's not about physical attractiveness. It was like suddenly falling out of love. Seeing him as just a normal person rather than the person I fell for. It was a very strange sensation and I went to bed very troubled by it, that I wouldn't see him in the same way again. We are in a long relationship and have two kids and I just wanted to be reassured that this kind of thing is normal....

OP posts:

RosesOnTheWane · 31/12/2013 08:25

This hasn't happened to me. My advice would be to try not to over think it.
Is your relationship ok? Ugly is a nasty word to use to describe your partner.

feelinlucky · 31/12/2013 08:27

I understand what you're saying op. I felt this way about my sons father. I've never stopped thinking if him as an unpleasant person but he was very unpleasant.

Joysmum · 31/12/2013 08:35

I've never felt that but I have absolutely loathed my husband in occasions over the past 19 years thanks to his disgusting behaviour and attitude. This was still will an undercurrent of love though.

Would it be possible for you to think back to what drew you, and kept you together and try to find a way to reconnect to that? That's how I got over it with hubby and it actually led to a stronger relationship overall as we both reaffirmed how we felt and why we love.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 08:50

I don't know about normal but I remember the day very clearly when the proverbial scales finally fell from my eyes and I saw my then DH for the wanker he really was. After years of coping with his problems he'd recently announced he'd been seeing someone else. We were supposed to be reconciling on an exotic holiday and I looked at him across the table and that was about the word for it.... 'ugly'. He's now an ex.

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 31/12/2013 08:55

Yes. We are divorced.

Lizzabadger · 31/12/2013 08:56

See how you feel over the next few months.

Original poster

hopingImneurotic · 01/01/2014 18:15

Thank you everyone for wise advice. I am trying not to dwell on it right now. I like the idea of an undercurrent of love. I am trying to focus on that and find a way back....

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 18:25

Was there any tangible reason why you'd find him ugly at that particular moment? Was it something he was saying? A mannerism? Recent behaviour? A personality trait? I met a friend's new boyfriend recently and, over lunch, he said something so casually offensive that I just know he's a shit.

If your gut is telling you that DP is 'ugly' it's probably worth listening to yourself.

Twitterqueen · 01/01/2014 18:26

First, take deep breath.

You are not alone in this. Not quite the same but when the same realisation hit me it triggered huge, huge anxiety that took me years - decades - to shift.

so i would say firstly, don't be afraid of your feelings. (I was - maybe you aren't). the veil dropping caused me such awful anxiety I can't being to tell you awful it was.

BUT - IT IS TOTALLY COMPLETELY NORMAL. and it doesn't mean you don't love him or that your marriage is over or anything else.

All it is, is a recognition of being human. We're all flawed, all horrible in our own way. It's an understanding and appreciation of how imperfect we all are.

Love him anyway

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 18:27

With it being NYE, had you been drinking more than usual? I just say that because I sometimes get strange preoccupations and anxieties on the rare occasion I drink.

I would say just try and put it to bed for now. Is everything else okay between you two?

monkeynuts123 · 01/01/2014 18:53

Maybe in that moment he was ugly, simple. Maybe in the next moment he won't be.

Allofaflumble · 01/01/2014 19:45

At least he wasn't Fugly!

Seriously, surely we all have these moments but are wise enough not to mention them.

Eg. Your husband is reading the paper and spies a young long legged girl in a bikini, looks up and sees you in your dressing gown and slippers with hair like a cockerel.

You are watching tv and a handsome hunk is featuring, next you hear a snort and there is your DP snoring with his mouth open, shirt up over his beer belly.

These images are fleeting (hopefully). ;)

Thetallesttower · 02/01/2014 00:07

I have definitely had these moments, it's a bit like when you suddenly become aware of your place in the universe, only it is related to your bloke when you suddenly become aware he's just an ordinary, not even handsome, sometimes quite ugly person. Luckily the goggles go back on and you resume your delusion! As the last poster says, they may have these thoughts about you, these things are not rational and best not mentioned (unless you start to find your partner ugly all the time which is a different thing).

Original poster

hopingImneurotic · 07/01/2014 10:41

There is such wise advice here. And you're right, about this "your place in the universe" thing. I get back under my own delusion and things are getting better and more normal, and I can try and bury this sensation. It was such a strange funny turn. I really hope it doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

croquet · 07/01/2014 11:09

I've had it - it happened a few times in a patch and then went away.
Really just think he must have it about you and not say too.
You'll be fine. It's no different to sometimes seeing a photo of yourself/reflection in the mirror/crap shopping trip and thinking you're ugly.
If it's a LTR he is almost part of you. Maybe you need a new hairdo/nice long bath/tlc/run/swim and you'll feel better about the both of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2014 11:21

But you said you didn't mean 'ugly' in the physical sense of being attractive or unattractive. I therefore took it to mean you found something in his personality ugly or unpleasant. A 'scales fell from the eyes' moment, if you like.

croquet · 07/01/2014 11:22

I think she just felt disgusted by him momentarily.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2014 11:45

"I get back under my own delusion "

I don't understand what that means. Do you believe you live in a state of delusion as standard?

Grumpasaurus · 07/01/2014 13:34

I find my husband ugly sometimes. Oddly I didn't picture myself with an overweight, hairy, short, balding male who snores and who sounds like a tugboat making love on the toilet.

I am sure he thinks the same about me- last night I was watching tele and realised my top shirt had ridden up to just under my breasts. Bottom top (bright blue) state where is was meant to- above jeans and covering my spare tire. I can only assume the bright blue tire around my middle look- with no make up and hairy legs- wasn't exactly the super model my husband looked for either!

I pointed my temporary ugliness out and he laughed and said, yes, you are really taking sexy to a whole new level. Then he kissed me forehead and snuggled me onto his round belly.

So physically ugly? Yes. Not ugly perhaps but unattractively. But then I look at his cute little face and the kindness in his eyes and the keenness to make me happy- and I don't mind at all!

Grumpasaurus · 07/01/2014 13:35

Ps I meant to write at the end of this, is something else going on?

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