DV abuse survivor, just.need to chat ,

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My ex bio dad to dd was emotionally, verbally, sexually and physically abusive to me,

I survived, I ran, hid with dd who was still small baby,

He found me and assaulted me again, kidnapped dd, threatened to kill the both if them to punish me,

I got help, went for councelling, dd has no contact with him, last we heard he lives abroad,

Why though do I still think of him, recently more so than ever, I have lovely home, lovely dh, lovely ds, dd is happy, but he is always there

I have "seen" him so many times, the back of someones head, the right colour hair, right height, and I have a mini panic attack, I will him to turn around so I can breath again when I see it wasnt actually him,

When I go home to visit my parents, I drive through his town, past his house to check it still looks abandoned, I jump at shadows, freak if I hear a voice that sounds like his,

I know or suspect why this is all coming to the surface again but will I ever really be free, will I always be followed by the ghost of relationships past, I thought it was behind me, but now I feel so sick and stressed at times, it hits me so fast and with no warning, I read av thread about a woman who's partner had started strangling her, and I couldnt not read, each post like a flash back to what I went through, I could nearly feel his fingers around my throat, it still feels so tight to breath, I think I need more help but who, its there help out there for survivors,

Do other suvivors feel like this at times?

You have been through something extremely traumatic and certainly are deserving of support for that - could you go to your GP? Women's aid may be able to refer you to someone, they're not just for people in the throes of escaping. Or private counselling? I have a private counsellor and she's very understanding.

I got out of an emotionally and financially abusive relationship this year (was dumped and he moved away). I've been in a very large city that he now lives twice this month in thought I saw him loads. It was awful and of course none of them was him.

It's a post traumatic kind of stress. Be kind to yourself.

There is support out there, you could try contacting women's aid or google for domestic violence support services in your area. Often there is specialised counselling or support groups - counselling might be best if you're struggling to hear about others' experiences. Later on you could do the Freedom Programme which helps victims to process the abuse and to avoid the signs in future relationships.

Mumsnet is great too. It's really good to read and post and get support here. Offload any time you need to.

How long ago was it?

Colin is right - it is actually fairly common to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is recognised medically and can be treated.

Nothing so terrible, but after more than 1.5 years from the last incident and well more than 2 years after splitting, I still keep an eye at certain places.

I think your reaction is somewhat normal. It's your survival instincts at work.

In fact, I was once surprised by ex, but not as he expected, as I spotted him early enough thanks to my, by then, usual surveillance mode.

But then, the same goes for when I am alone at night in deserted spots.

However, you sound like you may have something more serious. Perhaps you could talk with your GP to refer you to counselling for anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Do you have any idea what has made it worse recently?

No personal experience but I know from the work I do with a local DV charity that a significant proportion of calls to them relate to historical abuse.

What you have been through will have left scars and you need to be kind to yourself. Even though you are safe now, you may still need support, don't be afraid to seek it.

I agree with PPs who suggest it's a form of PTSD. Often this only hits home for DV (and other) survivors when they feel themselves to be safe. Up to that point the sheer adrenaline of surviving keeps them going. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 could point you in the directions of counselling, as could Rape Crisis. Good luck

Thanks for your lovely massages of support, its 10 years ago now, I know what had brought it back to the surface, its me and dh having ds, I think seeing him at the she dd was when the abuse occured had triggered many memories I had tried to forget,

Looking back you would think it would be less, smaller somehow, but instead it seems to be worse, I can own what happened now and even only anonymously on mn admit what happened, even dh doesn't know how bad it was, I dont think I wanted to believe how bad it was tbh,

Agh crap, I can't think straight, had a glass after that post and its gone straight to my head, going to bed,

Night lovely ladies thank you for your kind words, ,

Took me ages to feel less frightened after ex left.

And I put him on the plane myself! He was thousands of miles away!

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Whenever you wobble post on here, or call WA.
Therapy is useful, as is The Freedom Programme

You can get through this, it takes time and effort (won't go away by itself) but you can get past it.

I know of someone suddenly suffering signs like yours after 25 years.

It's time for you to face the ghosts of the past, you're safe, you are strong, and as it's all the past, it can't hurt you any more.

All trauma looks worse from a position of safety because you have the luxury of reflection and the pain of comparison. It's not that you didn't want to believe it ... you were aware enough of what was happening to run and hide ... but self-preservation dictates that you found ways to cope and survive, including playing down the worst parts. Quite normal in situations of acute stress.

Talking anonymously on MN is actually a big leap forward. Telling someone IRL... either a counsellor, DH or someone else you trust... would probably give you more reassurance

Lundy Bancroft is great but be warned there are a couple of incidents of abuse written about in there which could be triggering as well. If you feel you can handle them though it is a fantastic book.

Maybe the fact it's all coming up for you again means that it's time for you to look at it in terms of healing and counselling now.

Books can help but I think the important step is to share the story with someone else. It's the affirmation people need..... Yes, it was serious. Yes, we understand why you're still anxious. Yes, it actually happened the way you remember it.