Please tell me your positive love-after-divorce stories! Really need a pick me up.

[PleaseCanIWakeUpNow]

I've namechanged for this thread.

8 years ago I met the man I thought was the love of my life. 5 years ago we married. 18 months ago we had a beautiful daughter. 1 year ago we separated. Right now I am 30yo and it feels like my whole life has gone off the rails before it even got started.

On the surface I'm holding it together. I know that I'm incredibly lucky in many ways: STBXH and I are still amicable and we agree on most DD-related things - we're sharing parenting 50:50; I have a big family all living locally who adore my DD and are always happy to help out; I have a good job which has allowed me to buy a new flat with my share of the sale of the family home; I have wonderful friends. I'm not so blind that I can't appreciate all of these blessings - the biggest blessing of all is of course my adorable DD.

In a way I feel like I don't have any right to complain, in fact most of the people in my life think that now that I'm back at work and moved into my new flat, everything is now "normal" again; they think I'm fine.

Instead I feel like I'm tumbling down a deep dark well. I've never been overly career-focused or had a secret dream to become a world-famous banjo-player. All I've ever wanted is to be happily married and raise a family. Not very PC of me, but that's who I am. I still feel so devastated at the break up of my marriage, and I just can't see how I will ever find love again, or trust anyone (including myself) enough to get married again, or find someone who I trust with my DD. It feels like I will never achieve my only goal - just to have a home filled with love and laughter. I was SO HAPPY at 25, and now at 30 I can't believe how quickly my dream disintegrated, and how empty my life feels when only one piece has been removed.

Anyways - enough moping from me - please please please tell me happy stories about finding love after divorce! I want to believe that my happily ever after is still possible!

Hello!

I haven't got a brilliant story of my own because I am very similar to you except we only separated a couple of months ago and I am 31.

Me and my DS (2) are moving into a lovely house with my sister and her DD next month and she got divorced three years ago.

She is doing brilliantly now. She has always been very much like you, wanted to be married with lots of children. She is actually just about to dump her current boyfriend, which I know doesn't sound like brilliant news but it actually just proves that her confidence is up, she is loving her independent life and its all onwards and upwards.

Happily ever after is definitely possible, and likely, I would say! Sounds like you need to work on yourself first though. Why did you and your ex split?

Thanks for the reply! That still sounds like a positive story - good luck with your move!

My ex and I broke up because we had very different ideas of what a healthy marriage required - something we didn't discover until after having DD - when it was just us two our expectations were much more in sync. Even now I can't quite believe that we've got to this point - he's still my best friend.

I know tons of people who met someone after a first marriage (with and without children) The majority of them are much better suited second time around and have got great relationships. You have time on your side as well.
Recover first, don't rush anything and enjoy your daughter.

WakeUp I really identified with your post. My STBXH upped and left earlier this year for an OW. We met 12 years ago and he left the month we would have celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I was devastated. We had a rough 18 months but had just bought our dream home less than two years before that.

For all that has happened, I also know I am luckier than most. I just filed for my divorce before Christmas, STBXH and I have been amicable from the beginning even though it was extremely hard at times. We have almost reached a financial agreement we are both happy with. I've gone FT at work but keeping the flexibility I had before as a part-timer so am very lucky, money is still okay. Kids and I are staying in the marital home for now to minimise any disruption to them and we have a good equity in the house so when the time comes for us to sell, I should be able to get a mortgage for a smaller but adequate property. And of course I have two healthy gorgeous happy children who luckily are at the ages where they seem to be taking things as they come.

I really identified with what you said about not knowing how you could trust anyone again and how I would even find someone who would 'take on' a single mum with two young children who also works all hours at times to make sure her children is not deprived of anything especially as a direct effect of us breaking up.

A few months ago though, I had something rather unexpected happened to me. Someone I have known fleetingly for over a year asked me out. I almost said no as I had no interest then in seeing anyone again. And he was someone I just never saw myself with (ie very different from STBXH). But I agreed to a drink, which turned into dinner and a few months on, we are head over heels in love. It was weird as he's in the exact situation as me (separated but only with one child) so we understand each other. But he is a sensitive soul who admires me for what I am doing for my DCs. He wants to take care of me. He is always doing things for me. He tells me how much he loves and adores me all the time... And I am so not used to being treated like this. STBXH expected me to sort his and our lives out. Never did more than he needed to, which is usually providing his credit card...

And I was talking to a friend about this today who said he didn't quite expect me to meet someone so quickly but then again, neither did I. But he said I sounded so happy and I am. I don't know if New Man (NM) and I will last forever but if we do, I know I really lucked out. If it doesn't, I know I met him for a reason, which is to show me that love can happen and sometimes, it's completely unexpected and not what you think it would/should look like. For now, I am just really enjoying myself.

I'm still not sure I will marry again. But I am an optimist and I like to think of my current situation in that as long as there's more people to love my DCs, it can only be a good thing. I really think love can conquer all, and I don't mean that as limited to a couple-sort of love but just love in general. My DCs still have both sets of grandparents who love and adore them unconditionally, they still have both parents to love them. STBXH's girlfriend/OW is actually very nice and she seems to adore them at the moment (give it time... ). If I end up with a partner who cares for my DCs, then it can't be a bad thing and if I end up with another child in the equation, why not? There's enough love to go around... :)

Don't get me wrong, I still have some bad days. NM and I were away on a break recently, which was brilliant. But he asked me a question that touched a raw nerve, something about how my failed marriage has affected me. I said, 'I think it has changed me as a person fundamentally' and choked and couldn't stop the tears coming and we were in a very posh restaurant! I hate how the failure of my marriage has made me so cynical about love and how I will never trust anyone 100% ever again... But I also know that despite wobbles like these, there will come a day where I hope I can answer that question without bubbling! Best of luck, maybe we should keep in touch and help each other along... x

Wow Angel your post really touched me, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad things are going well for you. You sound so strong, dealing with all of this. I'd love to keep in touch? How old are your DC? How old is NM's DC?

I actually met a really nice guy, at work, a few months ago. We danced around things for a while but a couple of months ago we started seeing each other on a "casual" basis. By mid-December we were seeing a lot more of each other and getting closer - I really like him! However I'd said right from the outset that I haven't got my head around the whole "stepdad" thing yet, and I just wanted to have fun - no future. He said he felt like things were much more like dating than "casual" between us, and he couldn't see the point in dating if there was no future (he's 5 years older than me and wants to marry/have kids/etc before too long). So we called everything off a week ago.

I'm really fretting over that decision though - wondering if maybe I should speak to him about what having a future would mean to me. I don't think he'd be interested in the whole stepdad thing though, and I don't want to make myself vulnerable when at this point we've both managed to walk away with hearts, pride and friendship intact. ARGH! So torn. Mostly I just don't trust myself or my instincts anymore, which is why I don't see how I can ever open myself up to love again. Plus I tend to assume no guy would want to take on a single mum long term...

Should I risk one more try with this guy? Or just keep waiting for santa claus Mr Right to magically appear?! He won't be interested though, I'm sure...

WakeUp PM me when you can and I can give you my personal email address through PM. Would love to keep in touch. I 'met' a very good girlfriend on MN when we posted on the same thread about private versus state schools in our local area, and we just spent Christmas together (she's a single mum with a DD) which was lovely as my first post-separation.

TBH, it was probably too premature to call things off with Work Guy (WG). As long as you are seeing each other as adults and your DD is not involved yet (which is sensible until things get serious), then why not give it a chance? I understand your feelings about not knowing what you want and not trusting your instincts. When you have got something so wrong once, you don't really know which way to turn... I don't either. Sometimes I think I am definitely done with marriage, sometimes I think maybe it could happen again. It's like you had this image of your head of what an 'ideal man/family' looks like and post-marriage split, it's like that image has been tore down and you have no idea how to re-built that? And into what sort of image...

I would just go with the flow and see where it leads you. For me, as long as my DCs are not hurt or are at risk in anyway, I am okay with just seeing how things go (my DCs have met NM only once and it was at a party for all my friends and we behaved as friends and we intend to keep the DCs out of it till later on...). I still don't have a clear idea of what the future holds. You are still very young and so is your DD, you could have another child, there's so many possibilities out there! Don't close yourself off if you think there is a chance things could work with WG.

BTW, NM's DC is 5 and mine are 5 and 4 so it's kinda nice. :)

PM'd you Angel

I split up with my exH when I was 28 - we were stuck living in the same house, on the other side of the world for a whole year (work contracts, home came with job) and it was so difficult. I had therapy that year which really helped me and at 29 I was able to leave. We didn't have kids so I went travelling and volunteering and met a wonderful man. I am now 31, married and expecting a baby.

Therapy really helped me to understand how my marriage went wrong and break some of the patterns that ended up being destructive. It gave me the confidence to start a new relationship and feel like I knew what to look out for and what to avoid, this time around. I am better at being in a relationship than I was before and I have learnt so much about myself.

I was totally turned upside-down by getting things wrong first time around. I lost confidence in my judgement and felt really embarrassed to have "failed". I also used to think to myself that I was making too much out of how sad I was because of X, Y, Z terrible things happening in the world. One of my friends said to me that divorce is like a bereavement - you may have lots of great things going on but the collapse of the life you planned is a huge thing to deal with. She was right. Don't beat yourself up about feeling sad, sadness is a totally normal response to a loss.

With the benefit of 20:20 hindsight I am so happy that my first marriage broke down. I love the life I have now and I feel like I am headed exactly where I want to go. I am sure you'll look back one day and feel the same way. Just go easy on yourself - you have been through a lot!

I was 37 had 3 kids,been married to dick head ex h for 12 years.

Going through the divorce from hell. Him and his family very abusive,me 3000 miles and a different continent from my family. I had also been isolated from ALL friends and basically had no one

Found my now very DH in a yahoo chat room. I wasnt looking for anyone ( NEVER wanted to get involved again ). Im in the USA and really missed the British sense of humor so used to frequent "Down the pub" on yahoo just for a laugh/normal British humor.

My now Dh knew my situation, I never hid it. We had chatted socially for while,he was a rock for me,always ready to make me laugh when I needed it,talked sense to me when I was off the wall with stress/worry. He started sending little cards in the mail,just pep talk kinda stuff but enough to make me realise he was actually thinking of me in real time IYKWIM. Then a couple of time when I was OFF THE FCKIN WALL with stress he sent flowers,then he sent flowers from my kids for mothers day.( he used to do online science experiments with my kids when I was at work, I had really dodgy day care at the time and couldnt do anything about it,he would watch out for them from there. My kids were 9 8 and 6 at the time and my daycare was 16 and all i could get and useless but I needed a warm body to watch them )

After about 9 months he came to visit. The kids knew his on line persona well at that point. He stayed in my basement ( as far as the kids knew ). We knew after that visit we wanted more. He came back 3 months later,by which time my divorce was final, and proposed and I said yes,much to my surprise as I had said NEVER AGAIN. we filed for a fiance visa and he came over 5 months later,we got wed a month after that and have been very happily married for 10 years now

It is definitely more than possible, I wasnt looking for someone,I wasnt even looking for something no strings. This just happened and its the best thing that ever just happened to me. It happens when and where you least expect.

I left my emotionally abusive husband this time last year, and was a total wreck. Like you I thought that I would never trust myself again, and I had a one year old daughter. But things have worked out wonderfully.
My ex was awful and things are still very difficult. Luckily my best friend was around to put me back together again, he actually moved in for a few weeks when I was useless and didn't want to get out of bed.
Six weeks later (after a rather vast quantity of wine) we drunkenly kissed. Or rather I drunkenly threw myself at him, then panicked and apologised in a rather messy crying way. He confessed he had been in love with me for the last seven years, and had to tell me as watching me end up with the wrong guy again would kill him. We decided to give it a go, and are now blissfully happy together. He never really moved out, just slowly moved his stuff in.

It has all been so unexpected, I really didn't think I would end up with anyone else so soon, and especially not my best friend. But I have never been happier, although things have been very tough at times dealing with the aftermath of my marriage. I don't believe in soulmates and have always been a bit of a cynic about true love, but I am changing my opinion now.