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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When is splitting up the best solution?

25 replies

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 20:37

DH and I have been together for 17 years and have 2 primary school aged DCs. We have always had a bit of a volatile relationship. Both like our own space, and tend to wind each other up after a while.

Xmas day this year was lovely, perfect family day, but ever since we have been arguing, niggling each other and generally having a sdhit time. This came to a head today with DH getting really cross with me in the car ( in front of dcs). He called me a few names ( stupid, pointless, pain in the arse) told me he was fed up with me ruining everything etc etc All shouted in front of DCs. This is unacceptable IMO. It has happened a couple of times before. Although I am by no means blameless, I draw the line at arguing like this in front of dcs.

Generally, I am finding that our arguing-making up cycle is more and more pointless. DH is (IMO) antisocial, quite selfish re personal hobbies etc, not particularly thoughtful, overly strict with the dcs and generally brings me down iyswim. When things are good, we have a great time - he is caring, supportive, says lovely things about the way I look etc. But maybe cons are outweighing pros.

I'm not not sure I'm at the point of throwing the towel in yet

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 20:38

Sorry post went funny ....

Should I be trying harder to make it work for the dcs sake, or just quitting before things get worse?

OP posts:

womblesofwestminster · 30/12/2013 20:42

Have you tried Relate?

Mollydoggerson · 30/12/2013 20:46

You could take some time out and see how everyone gets on. Maybe 2 months or so. Would it be financially feasible?

schroedingersdodo · 30/12/2013 20:47

I soooo wish I knew the answer...

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 20:55

Good idea to try relate, will look into it.

I earn enough money to just about manage on my own, which I suppose makes moving out feasible.

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 20:56

Schroedinger its such a shitty situation, isn't it. Not clear cut.

OP posts:

LiberalLibertine · 30/12/2013 21:00

If you don't feel ready to throw in the towel, throw everything you can at making it work, try telling your oh this is what you would like to do, and maybe with a joint effort you can both be happy again?

If you're still unhappy this time next year, split, life's too short.

Good luck, feel similar myself, it's not easy.

womblesofwestminster · 30/12/2013 21:01

OP, what did you mean when you said "generally brings me down"?

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 21:06

Wombles - I meant that there always seems to be an 'atmosphere' these days which brings me down. It makes for a kind of heavy mood and tension iyswim.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/12/2013 21:06

I would draw the line at arguing like that, never mind in front of the DCs.
I think it shows a lack of respect and love for the partner.

You may tag along for a while more, but if these attitudes are not addressed it can only get worse.

I think trying counselling is a good idea. See if he agrees and how it goes. He needs to want to work at it as much as do you, though. Or you should want to let it go as much as he is prepared to. He might just come through if he is afraid you will leave, instead of putting up with a bad relationship.

Could you expand on the selfishness about personal hobbies and thoughtlessness?

MajesticWhine · 30/12/2013 21:19

Was he driving by any chance, when things kicked off in the car? Dh turns into an arsehole behind the wheel.
Does he think it is ok? Ask him how your DC feel to hear him say those things. I too wish I could solve this one. Think I should follow my own advice.

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 21:19

He doesnt prioritise family time. He thinks of everything as though its split into either hobby, job or family related. And family related includes diy, shopping etc. So if he has been in work all week, and spent all of Saturday decorating, he will think he 'deserves' to go to gym or football or something. He would never say 'I'm going to do something with DCs cos I haven't seen them cos of diy and work.'

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Lweji · 30/12/2013 21:22

Right, would he spend the whole Sunday in the gym?
Doesn't he see the children at all during the week, or even if doing DYI?
Could you fit in activities with DC with gym on a Sunday?

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 21:25

He was driving. He was annoyed because he knew I was pissed off with him before we went out, and I wasn't in the mood to pander to his lack of decision making. He will fire questions at me 'which way do you want me to go, where shall I park, where is best to get petrol'. If I say 'I don't know' he gets annoyed that I won't make a decision! I know its petty, and it does stem from the fact I'm a bit of a control freak, but sometimes I feel its a way of making things my fault.

Well of course, we hit traffic, the shop we went to had run out of milk, traffic was too bad to get into town centre, DCs were hungry and it was generally a disaster. I got the blame as I had been unhelpful ( possibly true) and I wanted things to fail.

I realise we are both a nightmare

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleJoo · 30/12/2013 21:29

I could do Lweji ( and I do). Its not a major thing, I just wish once he would be proactive in wanting to spend time with dcs, and not perceive it as another chore.

He is generally good at bathing, feeding, looking after DCs, but he has a short fuse. He has been of the 'seen and not heard', 'do as I say, no questions' school of parenting.

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PuggyMum · 30/12/2013 22:09

I could pretty much have written your post jinglejoo and it looks as though my dh has decided today to call it a day. We've been together 17 years too. I'll post properly when I have more time. I'm so so sad as we have a 15 wo dd and I thought our issues were well behind us. Seems not....

Lweji · 30/12/2013 22:13

My feeling on this one is that you'd both benefit from couples counselling before it gets worse. Assuming he wants to.

Just don't make all the effort by yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 07:52

I think, when you're going round in well-worn circles, having the same argument over and over again, someone has to have the courage to say that we either seek help to fix the relationship or we call time. No third option. If no-one is interested in seeking help through counselling or similar - if you've both stopped caring - then 'time' could be a trial separation or a permanent end. What can't happen is that the status quo just cycles on repeating the same old fights.

Earlspearl · 31/12/2013 07:58

Trial separation? Is it worth even hiring somewhere for a month just to create a bit if space?

TheCrumpetQueen · 31/12/2013 08:06

When me and dp get stuck in these cycles, someone has to break it and it takes a lot of effort but is worth it if you want to get on and be more happy.

I make an effort to praise/compliment/be affectionate (random kisses and hugs) which can lift the atmosphere. When I do this, dp will usually follow and things become 'lighter'.

Also, in terms of him being selfish about his hobbies etc
I think you need to just be very explicit but not negative in how you approach it i.e 'I understand you need to do your own thing but could you also try and fit some quality time in with the dcs as I know they would love to hang out with their dad' instead of 'you never want to spend time with the dcs because you're so obsessed with the DIY and your own hobbies' - which would instantly lead to defensiveness and get his back up.

TheCrumpetQueen · 31/12/2013 08:07

(I'm not saying you are negative btw)

Anniegetyourgun · 31/12/2013 08:13

I generally recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Beverley Engel when it seems that both partners have got into unhealthy habits in the way they relate to each other. Doesn't work if only one of you is interested in fixing things, of course. But it sounds as though you both might be.

Original poster

JingleJoo · 31/12/2013 09:12

Thanks everyone. DH was the one to instigate 'making up'. He apologised, and has been very proactive this morning sorting the DCs out, letting me lie in etc. When the dust has well and truly settled I will broach counselling, and I think I will buy the book suggested.

OP posts:

TheGingerBreadWoman · 31/12/2013 09:17

In my experience you will know when it's time to walk away. It's probably not something that will happen over night, but gradually creep up on you and it seems like the only answer no matter how hard it might be.

That said, try counselling, maybe a break and see where you are then. If you do then at least you will know you tried and can walk away with no regrets.

Being stuck in a miserable marriage is no fun for all concerned.

Take care

Lweji · 31/12/2013 13:17

It's good that he apologised and instigated making up, but arguments shouldn't be like that. Both partners should be able to respect each other, and he should realise that and work on his attitude.

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