Friendship upheavals and significant birthdays..just me?

[AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo]

OK. So I have a big birthday coming up next year, i've loved my 30's. I struggled with friendships when i was younger due to lack of self esteem and this decade i really sorted that out and found what i thought were several strong, abiding friendships.

This year however, a LOT of my friendships have gone up shit creek. 2 major, very long standing friendships have pretty much bitten the dust. One a gentle drift, which I am sad about but it's kind of my choice, and I think an irregular meet up will still occur. But the other was the result of an out of the blue, petty, enormous flare up which has left me shellshocked and blindsided. Several newer, but still close friendships have also fallen by the wayside, which I had perhaps in hindsight put too much importance on, which were fined isolation but taken with the recent other bigger losses is getting me down. Some Uni friendships have drifted and I feel we no longer have enough in common to be close and one in particular is distinctly frosty.

Some even newer acquaintances that I thought might become more significant friendships are very on and off. Again in isolation I'm a confident enough woman that this wouldn't phase me, but as a result of the rest I'm feeling really wobbly about friendship in general, and wondering if I am lacking in understanding somehow. Why do all my friendships seem to be going tits up at the same time?

I have good self esteem, I know I'm decent enough company to attract friends, I'm loyal, I'm outgoing and have a large aquaintance. I believe i deserve good friendships and have let go of a lot this year that made me feel otherwise...all good, I feel I've finally grown up. We are, as a family, not often short of things to do with others if we choose...but it just seems to me lately that all friendship is...at the core, bullshit. People look out for themselves, and if it suits them just shit on others. I hate feeling like this as I am generally a really positive and happy 'cup half full' person. But I've lost my faith in friends.

I have a great family network and don't NEED friends per se, but I would like some friendships that don't turn out to be hollow, or where i'm not at the mercy of seemingly normal yet really deeply unhappy people who feel its fine to take that out on others. Is it just me? Is it just that I'm older and more discerning? Or is the world a madhouse I friendship terms nowadays? If you are over 40 and have experienced similar around this age please tell me its because friendships are cyclical and all will be well! :)

I could have written this about myself. It echoes my life and now I am wary of people.

I'm 31 by the way

Kutee, sorry to hear you are experiencing similar. It sucks no?

Attack, I have experienced something a bit similar, around the same age. At the time I was quite hurt that some of my great friends who I had been a good friend to in my twenties and thirties didn't seem to be there for me or just were letting things drift. I don't make friends that lightly and was upset that when things were tough for me, in the main, they were nowhere to be found except for one good friend who is very stalwart.

My thoughts a couple of years down the line are that these things are very much cyclical and that in the main it wasn't anything deliberate on their part. It does seem like many women at this age are working a lot, have children, have relatives and are just exhausted in the evenings so phoning is harder. Meeting up with two sets of children is even more difficult, so to some extent, friendships are going to be less intense than they were. With older friends, I am now happy to keep them ticking along, not taking it too personally when no-one calls, phoning if I get round to it (in other words, when I have the time and the energy and feel like it rather than phoning lots and feeling resentful it is not returned) and generally being delighted if they stop by or otherwise make the effort, I also go out of my way to see them even if it is every few years if I'm in their area. I still like to maintain these friendships and do think that our time will come again, not for all of them necessarily, but there's no reason to close off these friends. I have at least two or three friends I only see every couple of years, but we still love to get together and chat like old times.

For newer friendships, say with mums you meet at school, I think it takes a long time to get to know someone and would rather have no friends than a rubbish one! It takes me a couple of years to get to know someone properly and I'm also friends with people who aren't similar to me, so haven't got children or older women, not just people because they are mums.

I haven't cracked it and I do still get a bit annoyed by the lack of effort some friends put into friendships given that others really do, even though they are just as busy, but I think lowering my expectations and being happy to have lots of friends rather than rely on one or two who may let you down or just be very busy also works quite well.

I don't get the current fashion for cutting people off though, if I'm honest. I don't tend to make friends with people and then ditch them, I would take longer to get to know them rather than rush in and then regret it. I have lost a couple over the years, but very few really close ones, I'd rather keep the door open if they are genuinely nice people but just very wrapped up in their lives rather than slam it. If they were rude, not appreciative or made me feel bad, I would let it go the first time this appeared.

Not sure if this long post is helpful, just my own experiences because your post did strike a chord.

Tower, your post is helpful, and you echo how I am and have been in the main about friends. The blindsiding out of the blue friendship bust up is very recent and was with my oldest and I thought closest friend. Her reaction to something I said was stratospheric and I think I am just struggling to come to terms with it as 1) my worss were ones of concern and utterly from a place of friendship and love, and 2) its so out of character for her.

I am not keen on high drama in friendships, and this was a side I had only ever seen in her once before, years ago when I did indeed let it pass as i thought it was circumstantial. Now I think it has probably been there all along and i just didn't ever see it or she kept it hidden. its made me feel like an old fool and this time I don't think I can let it slide.

Thinking rationally perhaps it is this which is giving me such a negative view of things. The smaller friendship issues would never normally bother me as to me that's just part of the day to day ins and outs of finding out who is for you and who isn't...I agree that takes time and I'm like you, probably a year or two.

I guess you think things will get easier as you get older, in fact I find them harder.

I don't think things get easier, one thing that is clear to me as I get older is how little you can know someone or rather that every very stable predictable people can do something unexpected. To some extent we expect that from a partner, we are surprised but it does not rock our world when we hear a partner had cheated on someone after 20 years of marriage. Similarly, even old friends can surprise us. I think long friendships are a bit like long relationships, you can know and trust the person but they still have the capacity to act out of character or in unexpected ways. I wouldn't take anything for granted now quite as much as I used to.

I don't know what the words were about, my guess would be a man or critical of parenting, those things might be like lightening triggers to set someone off. Perhaps there is no way back from this, but perhaps there is. Does a decision have to be made now?

I don't think you have a problem with friendship in general from what you say, the drifting friendship doesn't have to drift, that's up to you, it is this one close friendship that has upset you so much, understandably so. It is as painful as a relationship breaking up and possibly less explicable. I would have a think about it, talk with your partner, possibly another friend (if there's a suitable listening ear) and try and see it in the perspective of your whole friendship. If there's no way back, this will become clearer anyway over time and you can then be properly sad, as it is a shame.

OP, I'm another one who could have written your post. I was talking to DH today about how my 'friends' we're vexing me.

I have had 2 'best' friends, both at separate times and both lasted about 10 years before they imploded. I was upset at each respective time but life moved on, I have a wonderful DH and I met a new set of friends when I had DCs. As a group we had so much in common, similar aged children, a love of wine, I couldn't have had a better group of friends - until last year when 2 of them fell out (I was in the middle) the group splintered and as much I have tried with everyone it has never been the same again. It dawned on me the other day that it is me who is always making the contact, people text me back but only when I send the first text. As an experiment I decided to not text anyone to see how long before someone reached out to me, rather than the other way round, I'm still waiting.

I have come to the conclusion that even when we are older and supposed to know better, playground pettiness and fickleness (if this is a word!), still apply.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, it struck a nerve with me.

The loss of a close friendship is so blindsidingly hurtful, it's a break up. I hope you feel better about yours soon. I have found that time is the great healer in these matters.

Slatternly, so sorry to hear this struck a chord with you too. The part about taking a step back to see who would come forward is exactly my experience with a lot of my friendships. It's horrible to feel that people 'just aren't that into you' if you stop making the effort isn't it...but weird how, when you DO make the effort people will nearly always accept an invitation.

I've made so much effort this year not to take it personally and realise that people just have busy lives and that this overshadows a lot...but I am sick of being there for other people and then not having anyone to turn to when I need to. (Which is really practically never, i'm a strong person, so it's no like I'm needy or a drain on others.) I do have DH though, and good family, and I'm increasingly grateful for that.

OP you made a good point, when I do make contact with someone they are, seemingly, happy I have made the contact. But, without wanting to sound like a 5 year old, why does it always have to be meeeeee! Until recently I have not minded but I am becoming increasingly resentful about it.

But...... Are we all going to roll into our 40's shedding friendships as we go? As much as I have tight family unit I don't want to be without friends as you never know what life throws at you.

Omg....was talking to my dh about all the same stuff the other day....... Don't know what advice to give because I feel the exact same :-( we should all move close to each other and be mates lol x

Ahhhhh, but Wifey, we would only fall out with each other by next Christmas and then would have to start threads about each other

But...... Are we all going to roll into our 40's shedding friendships as we go? As much as I have tight family unit I don't want to be without friends as you never know what life throws at you.

this absolutely how I feel. Absolutely. I LIKE having friends.

Wifey, sorry its your experience too, though selfishly glad it's not just me.

Lol girls eh???!! We wouldn't we would be friends forever it would be in the rules before we started Lmao x

I feel your pain. I have a significant birthday coming up and I think it does make you look at your life a bit. DH wanted me to have a party but I don't think I would have enough people to invite . He has lots of friends but I notice few of them are the 'call in the middle of the night' type. He has lots of drinking pals but not what I would consider to be proper friends.

Part of this is because he has lots of friends he knew though previous work places and can meet up with them on the way home from work fairly easily. I don't have a back catalogue of old colleagues to call on and cannot just pop out for a beer on the way home from work as I have to pick the DCs up (DH can't due to where he works).

I have got some local friends but there are two things that undermine the friendships; competitiveness and bitching. They are all mums from the school and neighbourhood. Individually they are probably perfectly nice people but there seems to be a constant stream of competitiveness about the children or house prices etc. It's so wearing.

One of my two oldest friends has recently let me down after I did her a huge favour. I feel used but I need to just get over it. It's what people do.

I do think circumstances change though, my mum is in her mid-sixties and had a social life again which is the envy of us stay-at-home forty year olds. I think you have to accept that the constant socializing and time for chatting that sustained our friendships in our twenties and thirties is somewhat on hold when you have small children, or at least work around it or accept that phone calls and visits may be less frequent but no less valued.

I don't see the point of cutting people off. I have been annoyed with a friend over the years as I felt she wasn't contacting me enough, however we have recently chatted much more in the last year. These things ebb and flow.

I'm not massively into local friendship groups as I have found them bitchy and or exclusive, I'd rather have one good friend than a whole circle.

As for not calling to see what happens, I did this and after about 6 months, a couple of friends did call but not before (apart from one very good friend). I am not playing this game any more though. I have always been the instigator in these friendships and am very outgoing, many of them are not and I'm just cutting off my nose to spite my face by not calling if I want to or arranging meet-ups, especially as they are genuinely pleased to get together. I've noticed more christmas cards and texts this year- perhaps having survived babyhood and toddlerdom, they are also coming to the conclusion that friends matter.

But- falling out with your oldest friend is a different thing than drifting or age related friendship issues and I do think this will take some time to process, it's very upsetting.

Tallest seems to have a sensible 'always leave the door open' approach.

It certainly seems that OP is not alone in her concern for waning friendships. Of course an all out fall out with someone is in a different category to other friendships that just drift. I'm not sure that anything can be done about a friendship that combusts because you don't tend to see it coming.

I'm feeling a lot better today, I've been thinking about the fall out and although its sad I am actually quite sure that this particular friendship has run its course...or as its stood before anyway. It's a long distance friendship as it is so effort has to be made on both sides for us to get together so it won't bein my face every day. I will miss my friend/ship with this person, but my own self esteem is going to have to come first, and perhaps that's the difference inthe last 10 years. I'm no longer willing to give up my self worth to keep friendships going.

O the plus side we have a houseful coming tonight, which I wasn't expecting and is a sure fire testament to what i think you were saying Tallest, that actually some people DO want to hang out, but just never have the time or inclination to do it for themselves. Onwards and upwards.