Help me deal with my Dmum!

[KateBeckett]

sigh

I have just gotten off the phone with my DM. Very occasionally we will have similar phone calls; they make me feel like shit and I'm not sure of the best way to handle it.

Today's phone call when like this:

DM called just as we were sitting down to eat. When I told her this, she said she'd call back later. I said no it's okay, just be quick (meaning I didn't mind chatting - though probably not expressed very well...)

This comment set off what I can only describe as a rant. Apparently I always tell her to be quick, she never gets a chance to talk to me etc etc (not true, I often call just for a chat - sometimes for quite a long chat!)
She then told me a couple of pieces of news followed by 'Was that quick enough for you?!' And put the phone down.

:(

I never know how to deal with her when she is like this (very infrequently) and in the past have tried phoning back / texting with explanations etc, but the past couple of times have just ignored completely. In the past I've tried to reason with her when she is like this, but it just seems to make her angry!

I am expecting posts calling narcissism etc but honestly, they would be completely misguided in this case. I admit to being a little stuck in FOG - without the fear! - but I think she is like this due to extremely low self confidence / self esteem and she has suffered quite severe depression and anxiety in the recent past.

I just wish I knew how to reason with her when she is like this, or at least turn off the guilt when she overreacts over something...

Does she always call you or do you sometimes make time for her by stopping what you're doing and calling her?

My sister is always abandoning me mid conversation (I completely get it that she's busy but it's sometimes irritating and a bit thoughtless, depending on my mood).

Could you apologise for cutting her short then suggest a mutually good time when you will always catch up on the phone?

No I'm usually the one who calls her, actually it's probably pretty even. I'll often call and chat for half an hour or so!

She tends to call when we are eating, or during our 'down time' and if I don't answer the phone will just legit ring and ring and then try my mobile etc, I can be quit a private, quiet person as sometimes I just don't feel like a big chat- she can take this very personally though :( like I said I'll often call her just for a chat, or to share some news, it's just her reactions if I'm not in the mood for a talk, I don't know how to handle it well!

You told her your tea was ready then she did the courteous thing and said shed call you back which is what I would have said. You then said it was okay. You didn't need to say "just be quick" I think that was rude.

I think an answer machine is the way to go. She can leave any important messages and you can ring back when you finish the meal.

I agree with Bedtime that telling her to be quick was rude. Saying you were eating and would call her back in half an hour would have been better. If it always happening get the answer machine and switch it on to avoid the situation.

Yes, it was a bad choice of phrase I admit - I know it's hard to express tone over the internet but it honestly wasn't said - or intended - in a rude way. But you're right it was an unnecessary addition and I will happily apologise for it. I still don't think it deserved the rant and slamming the phone down though...

I think the problem is that any small thing which could be taken offence at IS, regardless of context, or intention or subsequent explanations. Another example is a time we were chatting about kids, and I mentioned something I didn't want to do with mine. Her response was to get really angry at me, saying that she had done it with me and therefore I was saying she was a bad mum. I tried to explain that my choices weren't a judgement on hers and dp and I just felt differently to her, but she refused to accept this and stayed mad at me for a good few hours (this was during a visit).

With regards to the phone thing, an answer machine may be the way to go when we have a bit more money - can't really afford any unplanned expenses right now! I wish I could just ask her to stop letting the phone ring until it rings out and then phoning my mobile, but I think she would just take that to mean I don't ever want her to phone because I don't ever want to speak to her. Which isn't true at all!

Sorry I can't help OP, but watching with interest as I have a mother who, since retirement, has developed the mindset of looking for perceived slights at every opportunity. She's also in competition (in her head) with my MIL.

It's exhausting and I miss my old mum

I think saying be quick is quite rude and hate it when people say this to me if I've called. Would much rather call back at a convenient time tbh.

On the other hand I would get the repeated calling if I didn't call back immediately, swiftly followed by nasty voicemails, so not sure an answer phone would help.

Can you explain dinner, bedtimes ect are not great for chatting but x time is usually fine?

Tbh with you OP, saying "no it's ok, just be quick" was superior and dismissive. It's no surprise she took offence. Sorry.

It absolutely wasn't 'superior' or 'dismissive' pictish which you would know if you had heard my tone of voice. I've already admitted it was a bad choice of phrase and said I will apologise for that.

I've also explained it's not just this incident I'm struggling with - I'm more than willing to admit my unintentional rudeness on the phone as stated in a previous post! - it's the general attitude of finding offence where none was intended even after my intentions have been explained and apologies given if necessary .

And though I do think I owe her an apology on this occasion, that doesn't help with the times she is offended by my having a differing opinion to her (eg about a news item, politics, childrearing...).

It also doent help me deal with her better when she has taken offence or is angry about something - I would like to be able to have an adult conversation with her without it ending up with her shouting and slamming the phone down.

Umm...that may be tricky if she's not very reasonable.

It's a bit different for me as my family is a bit toxic but I have firm boundaries around behaviour and clear consequences. If anyone hangs up on me I don't call back. I wait for them to call and apologise.

I have topics that are out if bounds - immigration, racist comments, politics, the NHS (dont ask) basically anything inflammatory as we have different views. My views are never considered and it always turns sour so I just say we have to agree to disagree.

Would this help?

If you don't want to get an answer phone you can always unplug the phone or turn the ringer off and put your mobiles on silent. Explain you will be doing this during meal times/bath time to your DM though so she doesn't panic.

Regarding the taking offense, I don't know what the answer is, except a stern talking to and telling her you will ignore any childish moods. Easier said than done I know though.

Okay, now I really don't know what to do...

Sent DM a text earlier (didn't phone as she is at work) apologising for being rude last night, explaining what I meant and telling her I loved her.

Just had a phone call on DPs phone, took a few minutes before DM said anything. Apparently she hadn't meant to call but was just trying to send a text (to dp's phone not mine) wishing us a happy new year. I asked if she had gotten my text, she replied very curtly that she had. I could tell she was still angry so I asked if we were ok... 'Not really no. Happy new year.' And phone put down again.

I've said I was sorry for upsetting her (which I repeated on the phone) What else can I do? :( I really don't want to end the year like this.

Gah she does sound tedious and self centred doesn't she?

Right well...you've done all you can to apologise and put it right, and she is choosing to syphon off the drama and keep it going. That is her choice, so for now, I suggest you leave it there and let her stew.

What you should not do, is keep apologising and explaining and try to bring her round. Do not diminish yourself by scrabbling for her Royal forgiveness. It was a minor misdemeanour in the first place, and you have more than made up for it now. That text was really good and if I were your mum I'd be very happy with it. The fact that she isn't, says everything about what sort of person she is. Petty, attention seeking and a little bit vindictive.

Let her get on with it.

Basically, she makes a habit of this behaviour because it gets her the attention and reverence she clearly craves.

Make 2014 the year you stop dancing to her tune. Every time she slams the phone down on you, or shouts over nothing...like you daring to have a different pov from her or something...just give her radio silence. She has made the choice to fall out, so let her have it. Every. Single. Time.

Take back some power here...her behaviour is controlling. Just don't engage with it any more.

I have no doubt she will ramp it right up when she realises you aren't playing along any more, and she will play the victim of your cruelty....but you mustn't cave.

That sort of carry on is totally unacceptable. You are not her fucking dolly!!

I would wait for her to call you.

Repeatedly hanging up on you is childish. More so as you sent a nice text. She is deliberately playing games by texting your DP instead of you. You apologised, now she should do the same.

Start the new year off by not putting up with this rubbish. Hard though I know.

Yes, and by contacting your dp's phone, she is trying to create a bigger cast for her show. She is ridiculous.