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Original poster

Awful trip to Mother in law. What to do next.

12 replies

bigbluebanana · 30/12/2013 15:14

We have just got back from the most awful visit to the mother in law. We were there at the same time a SIL, her husband and dc. The entire time MIL was very rude, unpleasant, made no effort to talk to my dc and just generally made the whole visit tense and spent the whole time complaining about how tired she was 'looking after' everyone. At the end she apologised to me about it being a 'bit stressful and fraught'. She does this every time we visit her and every time she visits us she spends the entire time moaning about the journey, she's tired etc. Never does a happy, positive word pass her lips.

Now my dh is feeling angry/guilty for feeling bad and has gone to bed ill. This always happens too. I am sick of the woman and cannot bare the thought of seeing her again, but I don't know if dh could cut ties even though he wants to.

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 30/12/2013 16:31

I thought I'd reply with a positive for you. At least MIL apologised & therefore knew that she hadn't behaved. Perhaps your DH could let his mum know how she comes across & suggest an alternative arrangement in future. I don't know-perhaps all turn up with food/different courses so that mil doesn't feel overwhelmed by all that she perceives she has to do. What help is FIL (is there a FIL?)
That's if you want to try to forge a halfway decent relationship with her. Otherwise, just accept she's a so & so and let her get on with her life without much involvement from you.
BTW-I'm on your side (I don't see much of my MIL-we both prefer it that way!)

wallypops · 30/12/2013 16:45

I'm afraid I would be tempted to say something - when I have been in this situation I have let it go until I snapped, and then I said that she hadn't said a single positive thing to me the whole time I had been there and if it continued I wouldn't be back. Next time I saw her was on neutral ground and she was not at ease, but now things have been smoothed over and there has been no repeat performance.

Original poster
bigbluebanana · 30/12/2013 17:22

Thanks for the replies. I am so annoyed with her at the moment I cannot envisage ever having an even half decent relationship with her. I have put up with her rudeness and outbursts and complete disinterest in our dc for 12 years now and I think I may have reached the point of no return. The problem is dh is so wracked with guilt for feeling no love for her that in a few weeks all will be forgiven and we will have to see her again and so the cycle continues.

OP posts:
redcarrot1 · 30/12/2013 17:28

How old is she? Is this too much for her to manage?

Sounds like her behaviour is stress related. Did anyone offer to help her with the food etc if 'she does this everytime'?

As for moaning when shes at yours, how about meeting halfway at a pub or restaurant? Then you can make a quick escape.

Just some ideas!

poorfoxyloxy · 30/12/2013 17:33

oh, bigbluebanana i hear you!! i am still at the mils... she keeps the temperature at 15 to match her cold cold heart... complains about everything, when you try to be positive about something she dissagrees and then goes on and on about how lovely my partner's sisters children are (they are in australia) when our kids are sat there... we were thinking that we were doing the right thing coming to hers this year as otherwise she'd be on her own, and i think actually she'd prefer to be on her own, i know i'd prefer not to be here being moaned at everytime i turned a bloody light on!!!

bringbacksideburns · 30/12/2013 17:33

Tell him he can go and see her on his own next time. There is no great Law that says you always have to be there.

You say she has no interest in her grandchildren which he surely must be aware of, so i would just leave it up to him to arrange future visits and tell him you are taking a long break!

Deathwatchbeetle · 30/12/2013 18:12

I agree with bring backsideburns - let your partner continue to see the miserable old trout but as she is vile to you and totally disinterested in your child, you and your child need not come.

goonyagoodthing · 30/12/2013 18:23

I really do not mean to sound mean or nasty to you when I say this, but it just baffles me why you go. Or why anyone continues to go anywhere that makes them stressed or unhappy. It is quite possible to maintain a courteous, polite relationship with her at a distance. Life is too short to go to stay to keep her happy, which incidentally, she sounds as if she does not enjoy. Theres your excuse. Tell her you don't want to stress her out anymore.

goonyagoodthing · 30/12/2013 18:24

And I posted the above from experience BTW.

MrsDavidBowie · 30/12/2013 18:29

I had a MIl like this. We never stayed there, but would visit for a few hours sporadically when the children were small.
Dh would visibly get stressed on the journey down, as it was such an ordeal.

About 7 years ago I refused to go anymore.

Dh would go on his own once a year.

She never saw the children for the last 3 years of her life.

Do the same, do not put yourself through it.

PurplePidjin · 30/12/2013 18:40

I don't know if dh could cut ties even though he wants to.

Let him make his own decision and support him?

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 19:30

If you have to see her again, could you meet halfway on neutral ground? Then you could turn around and leave whenever you want

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