How can I improve my situation?

[minkeycat]

I'm not quite sure where to post this but I've seen great advice given here before and thought it might be a place to start. I need some external input about my life as I have a very difficult time opening up in real life.

I have this feeling that I've totally failed in my life and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm having a hard time seeing any redeeming features in myself at all. I have always been prone to anxiety/depressive thinking but used to feel quite cool and reasonably popular and excited about life and the options it offered but all those feelings have gone completely and I can't think of the future without feeling really bleak. I look at others and always feel that everyone else is doing really well - that its just me who feels this crappy and useless all the time. The past seems to be where I made terrible decisions and the future seems hopeless - just more of the same.

I have one DS, 16 months, very much a surprise (and wanted) baby in my early 40s. Live with DP and have done for about 3 years.

I used to think that the problem was my relationship but I don't think that's it. Or at least it might contribute but the main problem is me. My DP is v sweet, v helpful around the house, lovely with our DS, but I can't really talk to him in any depth or length. We rarely have sex - i never feel like it, he never seems to mind. He is a very quiet person. Has v few friends, rarely goes anywhere. Most of the time we talk about DS or food. I feel really lonely/frustrated in our relationship most of the time. Struggle to explain to him what the problem is, so I've sort of given up with that ever changing. He is who he is. And he is also very happy with our life. I have lapsed into a kind of helplessness about the situation, and I blame myself for having overly high / perfectionist attitudes towards what a relationship should be.

So I'm trying to compensate in different ways, find other people to talk to, friends to go out with from time to time. I know that DP cannot and should not fulfill all my needs. I work 3 days a week and enjoy my job. I just always feel this rather deadening feeling about coming home at the end of the day to a v quiet DP, who isn't going to say much about anything. Don't know why this fills me with such dread, but it does.

I think I need more friends, but I seem to have become hopeless at making them. Have made one new other mum friend but that I've let myself and DS down for not having met others i can regularly hang out with. But apart from that it occurred to me today that I have no one with whom I can really talk about things. I'm quite introverted (though love people and company) and an not good at being honest about what's really happening with me. Feel exhausted by trying to pretend I feel ok all the time. Despite this I do have a few close friends - unfortunately some of them live abroad.

I love DS very much. I really do. But today for instance I just let him get on with playing with his toys. Just didn't have the creativity or energy to put into thinking of fun activities. At all. This afternoon we will go to the shops, though.

I have 2 siblings, both with their own families, and both living far away. My parents are near me but really elderly and mentally and physically not doing well. I try to see them regularly but It is upsetting to watch them fade away in front of me. Feel very alone with this.

Am on a low dose antidepressant. The doctor wants me to increase the doseage. Maybe that's the answer. I just felt so low last night and thought it might be an idea to get some input from MN, as i feel so cut off in so many areas of my life. As I'm not someone who can talk about these feelings very easily it all exists in my own head.

Thanks for reading this. It has helped to write it all down. I'm not quite sure what i want from this post but would value any observations or suggestions, really.

I haven't got any words of advice I'm afraid Minkey, but I do empathise greatly. I struggle with articulating myself in RL and often don't look forward to coming home after work to my family. I struggle to muster the energy to do the daily grind at work, then the daily grind at home and often can't see a particularly bright future for my life. The envy of others and the boredom of home life rang particualrly loud bells with me.

I'm also quite introverted and prone to semidepressive thoughts and feel it a struggle to talk to anyone about it, but I have found airing my thoughts and interacting with people on MN a great help.

Stick around here and people will come along to give you some support and suggestions to how you can improve your mood and gain some external perspective on your life. I know it's a struggle, you're certainly not alone feeling like this.

I'm not convinced that your relationship isn't a major factor in how you're feeling. Yes, your dp shouldn't fill all your needs but I'm not sure if he's filling any of your emotional needs. If you come home to a house without your DP in it, do you feel better?

Have you tried counselling? You sound as though you feel trapped and yet you're young enough to change your entire life if you want. Perhaps talking to a counsellor would help you to see what you want and how to take steps towards it?

You sound like you judge yourself very harshly, cbt could help you to break that cycle. You can find some free courses online.

Also, it would be good if you could identify something that gives you energy eg dancing; singing; listening to music; painting; walking. Then factor in some time each week or each day to try to reconnect with that passion.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Im not experienced with depression but have had terrible anxiety. For me its always a physical show of something in life that's wrong for me. I think counselling can really help with this. Also, it seems silly but if I ever feel really low then a bit of something to look forward to often helps. Even if its a trip to see an old friend or theatre tickets. I really hope you feel better soon but if you're depressed please do get help. My XP was very depressed and we didnt get help he got very ill indeed. Its not to be ignored xx

This sounds very similar to my situation. I am quite introverted and prone to negative depressive thinking. I put far too much pressure on my DH to 'fulfil' all my needs. Every sad or depressive period I blamed on our relationship being empty and lacking.

You need to find your excitement and fulfillment elsewhere. Do something that gives you confidence and that gives you a sense of satisfaction. I took up Spanish and yoga and made a conscious effort to took more of an interest in current affairs and read history books etc. I found as my confidence grew and I felt better about myself our relationship improved. I had more to talk about and naturally communication improved between us, and I think as I felt better in myself he probably found me more attractive, ( although like your DP, he was always kind and understanding) Our sex life is now gradually improving too. Sometimes you need to take stock and think what YOU can do rather than trying to change him. Try to discuss your concerns with him too and work on it together.

Your comments about feeling hopeless and a failure are so similar to me, I was always comparing myself to others and feeling lacking. I still do! I found yoga and 'mindfulness' really helped me, made me realise it's possible to be happy just as I am and stop striving for things and wanting to be someone different. I needed to find some peace with myself or life would always be a battle. 'The power of now' book by eckhart tolle was a good starting point for me, although probably not for everyone. I have to work really hard to maintain a positive mindset, but I'm definitely better than I was. HTH.

Thank you very much for your responses. It helped me to write everything down and I really appreciate the feedback.

keepithidden Thanks for empathising, it helps to know that others understand these feelings. I will take your advice and see if I can try and interact here on MN. I'm much more of a lurker than a poster type but I think that trying to be a bit more open here might also help in real life.

KateAdiesEarrings You're right, I feel terribly trapped at the moment and very panicky. As far as the relationship is concerned I struggle to know what a DP can reasonably be expected to provide in the way of meeting emotional needs. Maybe I need to understand what those needs actual are? Appreciate the suggestion re counselling, ive done it before and perhaps the right therapist would be able to help with identifying needs. And I take your point about finding an interest.

sarajane I will keep an eye on the depressed feelings, thank you. I find this very difficult because when I'm feeling crap I lose my ability to know what's "me" and what's the depression. It's very confusing.

FetaCheeny thanks for your suggestions. It sounds like you 'get it'. I try not to expect too much from my DP but can easily go down that path of "why doesn't he do x y or z" and comparing him to others. I definitely feel worse when I don't have much going on. Right now I feel those depressive thoughts really taking hold and my mind is analysing like crazy but I'm also not working and doing nothing except for looking after my DS. Too much time on my hands doesn't help. I agree that I need to find interesting stuff to do for myself and not rely on him for that! It's good to hear that you felt better after pursuing your own interests. I feel horribly boring at the moment, which is probably part of the problem.

Your relationship is a factor, surely? It may be safe but it sounds hugely boring. Someone who struggles to make friends is going to have a better time - I'd have thought - being in a relationship with someone a little more gregarious. Not someone as dull as you describe. If you dread going home, I'm sorry but the problem is at home. Doesn't make your DP a bad person, far from it. But it's very easy to find you're with the wrong person.

If your GP really believes that a higher dose or different antidepressant would help I strongly suggest you give this a go. Counselling might also be helpful. I second the yoga and mindfulness ideas. You can download some great apps to listen to in short bursts.

Your ds is a great age for meeting new people. Your HV should be really helpful if you confide in her. Sure Start Centres have lots of great facilities. Group classes like baby singing or swimming are fun, too. If toddler groups seem intimidating maybe try going with your new friend? Lots of mums struggle with this. Seemingly cliquey groups can actually be very friendly.

Try to get some exercise each day, even if it's just pushing the buggy faster. Los of evidence to support this being helpful for low mood. Get your heart rate up and let the endorphins flow!

Lastly, you've had a huge life change. It all takes a lot out of you and a lot of getting used to. Same applies to your DP. Being kind to one another and really trying to talk and be there for one another takes effort and practise.

You will come through this. Allow others to help and try some self help, too.

Good luck.

Anti-depressants won't make the DP less boring or less silent.

No, but presumably the OP's GP has screened her for depression and made a diagnosis on the basis of that. Hence the low dose ad she is taking. Since depression can cause all kinds of negative ideas and flattened affect it makes sense IMO to treat the illness first. I have suggested counselling and other self help ideas, too.

When feeling well again, sure, maybe the OP will decide the relationship isn't working. Or she might thank her lucky stars she kept going and able to make the relationship work.