DH and I disagreeing about sleep training

[IcouldstillbeJoseph]

Not sure if this should be here or in Sleep but ....

DD is 11months - 2nd child, have 3yr old DS with no sleep issues.

DD had initially been a good sleeper but since 5 months has been dreadful. I had resisted all suggestions to restrict night feedings, CIO etc and at 10 months, out of the blue, she started sleeping through for 12 hours, or just waking once. That lasted about a week and then she contracted a sickness bug. Since then we have regressed bigtime. The bug finished a month ago.

Things are now so bad that she is back in bed with me most of the night and DH is in spare room.

However, I am sort of happy to just carry on (not back at work till March) and hope she will sleep again soon.

DH however is suffering. He works full time and finds it hard to go back to sleep once she has woken him overnight. Ear plugs don't help. He says he "misses his wife" and wants me back to my normal, happy self. He is grumpy with me and sometimes (shamefully) DD as he sort of blames her too. That makes him sound far more of an arse than he is.

He thinks I need to get tough and stop feeding her overnight (she's still bf). I am torn. I don't want to upset DH but also cant bear to listen to DD crying.

DD is seeing a paediatrician in 10 days due to developmental issues and I had a terrible pregnancy and feel VERY lucky to have her(I was in ITU twice). DH understands this but feels 'enough is enough'.

My argument is that, when she started sleeping through before I hadn't done anything differently so eventually it will happen again.

I feel I am facing a choice between DD and DH and its agonising. Can anyone advise?

Sorry I know its a long post already but just to add that DD can self-settle. I can put her in cot wide awake and she will suck her thumb and nod off. She will not entertain DH going in overnight, let alone offering her water,. She goes absolutely beserk and vomits etc

help

My 19 month old still sleeps with me for a portion of the night, feeds like a trooper and will throw a bottle across the room if dh has the nerve to offer him one! I'm sure if we persevered with that for a week or so he might get the message though, but haven't had the heart/strength to do it yet. I'm amazed your dh thinks a night of spare-room sleep, without ever having to get up with the baby, is hard going for him - sounds like bliss to me! Tbh I think most people can taunt out the sound of crying if they know they are not responsible for doing anything about it.
My ds's sleep is steadily improving however (bar teething setbacks) and he goes longer in his cot now than before, and my hope is he will eventually sleep through. He doesn't get everything he wants, and sometimes I have to turn away from him in bed if he demands a zillionth feed - but at least he knows I am there.
His sibling was not like this at all, and I probably would have thought sleeping differences were just about the parents rather than babies being individuals - I don't now though.

I went from picking up through tummy stroking in the cot and eventually just singing/soothing at the doorway.

Lilyaldrin, however the 8 hours may be from 7 pm till 3pm, which is not what most parents want when they say "sleeping through"!

The baby will sleep without milk in either of two ways. Through forcing them to understand that you will not come anymore (CIO) which is demonstrably traumatic and damaging. Or by being made to feel secure and happy with a little bit of distance I think. If you do the latter you need to devise some process for teaching the baby that you are there and you are responding when they need you so they feel secure being on their own.

No, 8 hours 10pm-6am.

The majority of all babies by one sleep solidly from 10pm till 6pm? I have never heard that before. I always heard sleeping through referred to a block of sleep of about 6 hours duration. I don't see how it can possibly be the case that over 50% of almost one year olds sleep for the same block of time! considering they will have different bedtimes etc. are they awake till 10 in the study you're quoting from?

Hello upside

Thank you for your replies. I will confidently tell DH to man the fuck up later . I think I just needed some reassurance.

Yes, lily, I am aware what 'most' babies 'should' be doing. But DD isn't achieving in lots of areas so I'm not surprised she falls short in sleep too

lilyaldrin, can you show me the research that backs that up? I know it's something people are told, but every bit of evidence I've seen on infant sleep shows that the majority don't sleep 8 hrs 10-6.

And I have suffered extreme sleep deprivation with my DS - last year, during a prolonged illness of his, I went through a week where I got less than an hour's sleep a night - and I sucked it up because my son's needs mattered more than mine, precisely because I can understand and rationalise and accept what I was having to tolerate. A tot cannot understand, rationalise or accept that, and the whole point is, they shouldn't have to. I despair of a world where an adult's needs matter more than a child's, when that adult could find numerous ways of getting himself more sleep (he is not the one nursing the child, after all), yes, even if they are not his ideal options, but the options for the child all involve not attending to their innate, important needs. How it's more important for an adult to sleep next to their spouse than a tiny baby to sleep with their mother, I do not know!

My DS is a similar age (10 mths) he still feeds at night and wakes now and then for a whinge. We mostly co-sleep because it's easiest for me and DH would be more disturbed by me getting in and out of bed to sort DS than he is by the odd minute of crying.

I don't have the heart for CIO, it would kill me and I think DS knows better than me if he still needs feeds for whatever reason.

When me and DH have discussed it, the bottom line for us is that this is a tiny amount of our lives together and while we miss some couple time now in the long run we'll be greatful for all this snuggly baby time we're having that we won't get chance to have again.

I think your DH needs to grow the fuck up and realise that babies aren't babies for long and need what they need! Especially with possible developmental issues thrown in. Sounds like the deal could be pretty sweet for him tbh. He gets to sleep all night and his DW is willing to do all the night wakings. It's not forever.

I think I may have inadvertently made DH out to be more of a twat than he is! I think he misguidedly thinks that if we were to sleep-train (even though I point out she can self-settle and has slept 12 hours previously) things would magically get better. He also thinks I'm 'making a rod for my own back' by letting her share a bed. Despite me pointing out im happy to have her snuggled against me for years if need be not helping my case

It doesn't help when my usually wonderful Health Visitor has told me off (in a gentle way) for not getting her sleep sorted before 10 months as apparently now is when they "start to manipulate".

Thank you - that is v useful and interesting.
What makes this more shameful is that I'm a bloody midwife! DH thinks this means I'm more 'militant' about bf etc and that's why I won't stop doing it.
Despite the fact I ff our DS

It's interesting what you say about deafness too - DS was deaf too and slept v well which I thought was because nothing disturbed him I know nothing

The Isis website contains the information about babies sleeping through 10pm-6am - iirc it's about 50% by 6 months and 75% by 12 months.

I'm not saying that babies "should" be doing anything by the way - I'm saying that getting a good stretch of sleep by 12 months is not "exceptional", which is what a previous poster claimed.