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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know how to face STBex husband bringing kids back in 45 mins

23 replies

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 09:19

Don't want to cry in front of him. Just feel so damaged by all he's put me through. Acknowledging lots of things for the first time. Like how sex was like being violated and I would just lie there and go into my head and remember how it was when we first got together and pretend that was happenning in area or hope he'd stop and ask me what was wrong or say I love you. But he'd just keep on at me. My head is a mess.

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/12/2013 09:22

First things first, just get through the handover. If you can keep yourself busy and distracted til then, so much the better. It won't help to have all this stuff in the front of your mind when you first do this handover, even if at some point down the line it helps you to confront him about it.

Kids come in, quick handover of bags, breezy breezy breezy and off he goes. You barely have to speak.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 09:26

My eyes are full of tears. My eyes are burning because I'm trying not to let the tears fall.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2013 09:28

I always think 'boiled carrots - boiled carrots - boiled carrots' if I need to get through a trying time. Visualise them and keep right on it.

Pop a funny DVD/radio show on [use BBC iplayer if needs be], have it really loud and laugh your socks off so that when he comes to the door you are genuinely laughing - greet the kids, ask if they had a fab time and say 'we've got your fave for lunch today, and your toys have been missing you' - say 'lovely, thanks' to STBex and close the door STILL LAUGHING.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/12/2013 09:33

Just for now, summon up superhuman power and think about something else. Think about what colour you might paint the living room, when the car is due MOT, anything other than how shitty this all is. Thinking about trying not to cry, will keep those tears pricking.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 09:35

Ok I've gone on iplayer and have got something on. I had to pack the rest of his stuff so he has to be in and out for a bit taking it out to the car. Feel such anxiety.

OP posts:

fourbythree · 30/12/2013 09:44

This is really hard so don't be hard on yourself... Focus on the kids... Let it be all about them... Can you take them straight out somewhere even just for a drink and cake so he can do his removals without you watching? Or perhaps put a film on in the lounge or take the kids up to their rooms so you can chat or play a game?
Small baby steps and lots of taking care of yourself xxx

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 10:06

Thanks all for holding my hand. They'll be here soon. I've got a film on and I'm going to stay in the sitting room while he sorts his stuff out. Had a shower so feel a bit better about myself.

OP posts:

kscience · 30/12/2013 10:13

Have the thing that makes you laugh the most on is a fab technique (I always go to the Bridget Jones fight scene)......... shut yourself and kids away and focus on what you are going to do with them for the rest of the hols.

Be polite, hi, thanks, bye to STBX.......... but just hug the kids and laugh with them and make plans with them, they are your world now

AnuvvaMuvva · 30/12/2013 10:18

I remember this, it is awful and very hard. :( The early days of my separation were truly horrible.

BUT I'm 4 years down the line now and I can honestly say that it takes an effort to remember how bad things were back then. They're so much better now, and things will be much better for you MUCH sooner than you think.

Put his stuff as close to the door as possible so he isn't roaming through the house collecting bits, and get the kids distracted with a snack or an activity.

After he's gone, put the tv on for the kids and go and have a secret little cry. Let it all out - it helps.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's shite. But it passes. :(

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:19

Can you get a neighbour or friend to come in with you?

SparkleSoiree · 30/12/2013 10:24

When DH and his EX split she had already packed his things up and they were stacked on the front porch. He couldn't understand it but being divorced myself I could!

The less he needs to be in the house the more in control you will feel of your own space. I hope it's as quick as possible for you.

SparkleSoiree · 30/12/2013 10:26

Echo having a little cry later on your own. It helps release the intensity of it all on a daily basis. I'm sorry you feel this way but have faith that you will have a better life in the future.

HissymasJumper · 30/12/2013 10:28

Thinking of you lovey, you can do this!

Eyes, tits and teeth love!

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 10:53

We're watching gangsta granny. I put all his things by the door. He's gone but has to bring the car back. He said is this really necessary and made me feel a bit uncertain. But having his things here I like having a poisonous ghost in the house.
Annuva I do hope things fade with time.

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 30/12/2013 10:58

You have to put yourself and the children first now, not your STBEX. He will building his own support network. Please font feel uncertain about your own actions, it just needs some time to get used to the feelings of making your own individual/single decisions and developing the confidence to stand by those decisions when asked about them.

Hissymasjumper love the eyes, teeth and tits phrase!

Lweji · 30/12/2013 11:08

If it helps, his attitude reminds me of ex's when I returned his dad's car, which had been staying in the garage, with all his clothes in bags in the booth.

He didn't notice them when he collected the car, but he parked the car in a nearby street for months. It was only when his family came on holiday, with huge suitcases, and they took the car, that they noticed the full booth.
His complaint was that the clothes were crumpled. And was that really necessary?

You did the right thing. They just don't like to see us getting rid of them.

sockssandalsandafork · 30/12/2013 11:12

Well done you're doing great

I love it when someone asks for advice, advice is given and followed and it works you will feel so much better one day (soon)

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 11:14

Sorry am new to this. Eyes tits teeth? Can someone explain?

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 30/12/2013 11:23

It means putting on a fake show of confidence. Flashing your eyes, bearing your teeth (huge smile) and sticking your chest out. Like going on stage after a terrible personal trauma, but having to fake your way through.

Original poster

divorcedtobe · 30/12/2013 11:24

Socks I was feeling like I was about to breakdown yesterday morning and posted my first thread then. Mumsnet has been amazing over the past 24 hours. My friends live far away and I've felt really alone. Now it doesn't feel so lonely as I've read lots of similar stories and have such kind responses to my own posts. He's still not back no doubt he's using car to get rid of stuff and will bring it back dry as a bone as it was already empty and I'll have to pray we make it to the garage. We are desperate to go out but are stuck waiting.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 11:31

You're doing great...just grin and bear it and when he goes close the front door, cuddle those kids tight and flick him an imaginary v sign...

tribpot · 30/12/2013 12:12

He said is this really necessary

Having just read your other thread, I can categorically state that getting every vestige of this utter fuckstick out of your house is indeed really necessary.

So he's using your car to transport his crapola? Tell him to fill it up on the way back. Do you need the car in order to go out? If he knows that, he won't be back for hours just to sabotage your day.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 12:20

I wouldn't make a fuss about petrol or having the car on time. At this stage he will want to get back at you, so don't give him the satisfaction of realising it got to you.
Act as if it doesn't matter.

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