how do you move on?

[winnie]

Ok, tips for moving on please.
I am not moving on and I need to.

I have no network of support. I have no extended family and I've come to realise that of all the friends I have because of geography and circumstances I am not close to anyone anymore. I am feeling very alone. I have a teenage dd who is constantly on the edge of a breakdown and a ds who spends half the week with his Dad.

X goes around and around he loves me he loves me not. At the moment he is at an he loves me not point again. I can't live like this. But I seem incapable of moving on. Help.

Oh Winnie sweetie, you're bound not to be able to move on if he's doing he loves you he loves you not, it must be incredibly difficult. Do you still want to be with him? Have you resolved the issues (no idea what they were) that caused you to break up? I think you can't let him have this control, you need to decide what you want and act on it. Even if it's not being with him while he can't make up his mind.

You're not alone though, we're here. I know we're only virtual but still.

WWW, another shallow thread might help enormously. I feel like sh*te right now.

done

Winnie, have you taken any time to think about what you actually want.
I know it is hard with all the trauma going on around you, but it is really important to think about what you see for your future. It is difficult to move on, when you don't know where you want to move to - if that makes sense.
Big hugs, feel for you.

thanks www & bugsy.

www, I agree I have to be clear that I don't want a relationship with him whilst he can't make up his mind. (The fact that he can't make up his mind should be enough for me to say forget it, shouldn't it?)

Bugsy, in all honesty when I look at the future I just see more of the same (which I don't want) or a version of our past together (which cannot be recreated)

I don't think I allow myself to think of the future without him even when, as now, he is doing the 'we are over there is no going back' (He has said this and seemed to mean it on many occassions only to back track a few weeks later.)

It is cruel winnie and imo usual. SOme people do not want to take the responsibility and I think they want you to say its over and then blame oyu if it all goes wrong saying well it was you that did this. In the end you need to think about exactly what it is you want out of a relationship and has he ever given you what that is? Make a list and think carefully about what your ideal relationship would involve and then see if he fits in at all. THink abour happiness first and foremost!

Oh winnie, it's so hard. How long has it been since you split?

For me, the only way to move on was to virtually eliminate contact - but I didn't have children who needed to see their dad. I often wondered how others did it when they had to see/speak to their ex regularly.

Sorry I'm not more help....but I would say that if you can't make yourself physically unavailable, you must make yourself emotionally unavailable. Detach yourself as much as you can, or it will continue to feel like torture. By saying definitively that it's over (no more back and forth), you can eventually start to slowly move forward/away instead of being in endless emotional "purgatory". Wish I had an easier, magical solution....but time is really the answer. Good luck, stay strong as you can, and post when you need support.

Yes gf he is being cruel. It does feel like torture. He has tried to say in the last few days that how he has been with me has been 'playful' and he loves me in a 'paternal' way. Well I am sorry but paternal love does not involve flirting outrageously and trying to get into my knickers or involve discussions about what when wrong and how we can sort things out.

He dumped me in October and it was all hideous until just after my Mum died in January when I had the great 'I've made a terrible mistake, please give me a second chance'. Since then he has had a couple more chances and back tracked everytime. I can feel incredibly close to him one day and the next the brick wall is up.

I have a feeling he has met someone else but I may just be paranoid.

I do wonder if I wasn't feeling so vulnerable and so alone I'd just tell him to f* off. I do see the appeal of never seeing him again. However, because of ds and the fact neither of us have grandparents or an extended family to rely on we are very much reliant on each other re ds.

How do I emotionally detach myself?

Obviously when Mum died everything was hideous. (It still is on that score I miss her like crazy). I simply meant that just after she died x did the I want you back and hostilities were over between us.

I am not sure my twittering makes any sense.

Anyway, he has just put the phone down on me having phoned to speak to ds. And the reason he put the phone down on me is I was using one syllable words in response to his questions!

Hi winnie, I'm sorrY you are going through this.
I have recentlY endured this Ilove you I love you not crap, from mY ex. it went on for months and affected me badly felt so messedup and down.
I was scared to cut ties becuase on my hand i wanted us to wrk out and wanted to believe he could love me as I loved him but also because I have no support. No friends or family nearby.
finally he moved out 2 weeks ago and im feeling so much better already. I have a dd 13 months who he is like a dad to (we met when i was pregnant) but he has said he cant face seeing her cuz it hurts him too much. anyway it is prob best if we dont see eah other. he is playing with You, dont let him do it, be strong i know it is really hard but yOU can do it.

You say you need to move on but you are incapable...but recognising that this is what you want is the first step.

What will it feel like when you have moved on? How will you have changed and what will be different?

Yes mousiemousie those are good questions. Also Winnie it is so ok to love him still. Use the focus of your love to sort out your head that is some of what I do. I am a very loving person and find hatefulness very hard. Some of what I do is about survival but I do it in the full knowledge that it is not the best thing for him. THis is hard when I still have feelings as it is for you. The main question which I htink you ahve already really answered is "Is this the person you want to spend your life with?" I think you know the answer and you need to act on it with conviction for both of your sakes. You would hate it if you thought you blow hot and cold too and so you must make your decision for the best adn then stick with it and know it was made for the best reasons and for you both and your child!

How to detach....I would be friendly, but to-the-point and matter-of-fact. Don't linger, but don't be abrupt and make him think you're angry either. Say what you need to say on the phone, but invent an excuse to get off when conversation drifts to non-essential topics.

Basically, don't give him the space to explore "what if's" or to reminisce. Cut out any sentimentality. Basically, it's all about protecting yourself emotionally, and that means not engaging and making sure you protect yourself as much as possible.

earlybird, when I do this it seems to make things worse as I then get the comments about looking great etc ... Maybe my problem is I don't detach myself for long enough. I get sucked back in. It is so hard not to when one has feelings for him. Must try harder

winnie - if you're absolutely sure it's over, and you don't want to/can't fix it, then I think you're going to have to teach yourself to be detached. You must realise/accept that you can no longer be emotionally or physically intimate, and then act accordingly.

Your dh sounds confused about what he wants, and unfortunately that confusion can seem like toying with your emotions or even being manipulative. It is hard to detach when you have a history of loving someone, so I completely sympathise. But you must make sure that you don't end up torturing each other.

I cut all contact with me ex because I knew attempts to "be friends" because would only result in me wishing things were different/we were still together etc. It would be too confusing and painful. I made up my mind that he was no longer going to be my friend/confidante etc and that I couldn't "hold that space" open for him in my emotions. You really need to gently but firmly close the door before you can begin to move on.

That, or find a new boyfriend as quickly as you can!

Earlybird, the problem is that in the past I had my Mum as a friend and confidente when the going got tough. When I broke up with dd father (14 years ago) dd and I physically moved miles away & my Mum and Dad were there for me. (Dds father also chose to have no contact with her.) A similar thing happened with a significant relationship broke up in between; we were no longer in contact at all. (However, now my Mum & Dad are dead - and I am still dealing with that - so I have no one I can turn to in that way. And husband literally lives five minutes walk away and has ds half of the week (so we see each other a lot). Because of lack of grandparents/extended family we are very reliant on each other with ds. All my friends are miles away and I don't drive (although I am learning). So I really have no one to lean on.
God I sound sorry for myself and I also fear that I sound like I am making excuses BUT it is how I feel incredibly alone and dependent on h. Which doesn't help.

Last night husband said he hated the distance between us and as he said it he realised that it is ridiculous for us not to have a distance now. He always says he can't bear the thought of me not being in his life and it is how I feel about him BUT I don't think there is even the slightest chance of our going back.... It is all such a mess. I think you are right in that the only way I will start to move on is to cut all contact.

x asked to speak to me after he'd spoken to ds tonight & managed to drop into the conversation that he is going out tonight. Was desperate to knw who with but didn't ask... feel like sh*t about it but am hoping that by not asking I am being detached. Why doesn't it feel like I am being detached? I feel anything but detached

Winnie - it's an important step not to ask. It's a bizarre feeling to go from knowing another person's movements/whereabouts intimately to realising it's now not your concern. Well done for resisting. Hopefully soon he won't feel the need to tell you his plans, so then you don't have to wonder. Building new and separate lives for yourselves will take a long while, but it will happen eventually. Hang in there and keep posting.

thanks earlybird for replying. He text me goodnight at 1 this morning and partly my heart soared and partly it sunk... How difficult can he make this for me?

(why were you up at such a time?)

winnie - he's not making it easy, is he? After our split, for awhile, I would meet up with my ex. I found it so hard not to reach for his hand while we sat at a restaurant, because that had been our habit. But, I realised that our relationship had changed, and we needed to act differently.

Sounds as if your ex hasn't quite made that transition. As I said before, I think his actions show that he is struggling with the adjustment just as you are. I doubt he means to make things harder for you, but that is the end result. Maybe he doesn't realise and you need to say something?

BTW - I'm not staying up all night....just away for the summer, and posting from a country with time zones that are mostly anti-social for Mumsnet! Thanks for asking....

other than a brief moment of handing over ds last night we've had not contact and I miss him

Winnie I think some of this may be mixed up with your feelings of grief over your mum. You are missing so many people and your X would have helped here.

Perhaps you should accept these feelings rather than fight them and live with your grief for a while.

The other thing you could do is think about how to end things on your terms with X and maybe think of a ritualistic way of doing it. I have a friend who wrote a letter to her X with all of her feelings and thoughts in it and then said goodbye at the end and then burnt it. She burnt it after reading it to a friend and she felt better after that. Because I feel that part of the problem here is that there is no ending not for you and you maybe need to make one.

DVX, hello... thanks for your response

I think you are right. My feelings about x are as much about losing Mum and dd being at an age when she is very independent and emotionally moving away from me too.

In October I wrote x a letter, as you describe, which I actually sent and sent him a card saying 'I love you enough to let you go, best wishes, I hope you find happiness' but it didn't lead to closure on any level. Even though at that time he was being vile.

I've asked him if we could do some kind of ritual throwing our wedding rings out to sea & burning cards, letters and emails etc... but he won't and as he has them all including my wedding ring I can't do it without his cooperation.

Feel utterly stuck but maybe I just have to go through this grieving process and try to build a new life at he same time.

Any way must get out the door and go to work...
Thanks for listening.

I have made an appointment to see a solicitor