Should I send DH this email? Re drink and drug use.

[FlatsInDagenham]

It's in response to him bringing home a large amount of weed (gifted to him so he hasn't paid for it). Just to give a tiny bit of background info: before we had DC we both smoked a lot of weed for a lot of years. I wasn't particularly happy but was entrenched in the habit. We both gave up when DC1 was on the way but he has brought weed home a few times since. He also has issues with alcohol use, which he has worked hard at addressing but it still lingers - for example, because it's Christmas week and he's off work, he has drunk every night for the last week.

Anyway, here's the email, not yet sent:

'I will find it easier to express what I'm worried about this way. Sorry!

1. You have by your own admission got an 'addictive personality' and I know that with that in the house it will be used more nights than not. It will quickly become part of your winding down and relaxing routine. You will tell me you are using it every day just 'to get rid of it' because you find it hard to have anything of that nature in the house and not consume it. When you finish that batch you will want to acquire more and you might do so.

1. You will not be yourself most of the time I have you to myself. Your personality will be in that altered state that makes me feel as if I'm not actually with you - not the you I want to be with anyway.

1. Whenever you drink etc, the parental responsibility falls to me. Never mind that the children are sleeping at that time - if they need us (such as sudden illness in the night) we need to be available and able.

1. It's not good for your mental health. I love you and I care about what happens to you.

1. We are at a different stage of our life now with greater responsibility and ... well ... I've moved on from that. Quite honestly I find it immature and pointless now. And I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my earlier life on it. I guess I find it hard to comprehend why you haven't moved on too. Even more brutally honest - seeing you drinking and everything else for no reason (ie not in a socialising context) makes me lose respect for you. I hate saying it (and probably couldn't have said that to your face) but there it is. It makes you seem weak and immature in my eyes.

1. Despite my whiter than white protestations in point 5, I am weak too and I get tempted. I don't want that temptation. I don't want to go back there.

1. Most of all, I think our children deserve to not have this in their home / family, whether they know about it or not.'

What do you think MN? Should I send it? Or just talk to him? I know I won't be able to say all of this as clearly if I talk to him about it because he'll placate me and walk away from me, and because I couldn't be this honest face to face (in particular what I say in point 5).

I think this is excellent and truthful without being rude it is from the heart. Words are harder to ignore and if you put pen to paper so to speak it allows you to say what is clearly heartfelt without getting tonge tied or be blasted by someone who does not want to hear what you are saying.this will linger with him and be harder to ignore than an argument. I would send it and I think it is a constructive way to try and solve a problem. Be sure though as once sent it cannot be taken back.

It's a nicely put email. If he is an addict however it will not really make a difference- even if he doesn't buy anything or carry in drinking after he's run out/the holiday season ends, you can garentee he'll be doing the same the next time the opportunities arise. All you can do is look after yourself and act within your needs if it carries on and continues to affect you. So telling him you're not happy is fine but expecting him to change just because you want him to is unrealistic- though expressing it may give him reason to reconsider the reasons for his turning to alcohol and smacking weed.

Smoking!

t's heartfelt but to be honest should read:

Dear DP,

I love you honestly and truly but the you without drink and drugs and that is the person our DCs need as a father.

As such your weed is in a bin liner in the bin by the shop/bus stop/ whatever with your beer.

You can choose for it to stay there, never bring that crap to our children's home again and come back the people who love you.

Or you can choose to go get it and I'll move on knowing we weren't enough.

Loveflats"

He hasn't been gifted it. He's either bought it or someone has passed it on in the hope he'll buy more in the future. As such, softlys email makes more sense to me. Good luck op.

He definitely hasn't bought it Wilson, we are totally open with finances and Christmas has wiped us out, but your second explanation rings true. A very old 'friend' of his (who I've never liked) gave it to him from his home grown - he's growing to sell apparently - his latest business venture .

As for softly's alternative email, I would love tosend it but don't think I have the balls. Maybe if I send my version and if nothing changes in a week, send softly's?

Thanks for taking the time to post btw. It's a relief to be talking about this.

Can I just clarify something here? He's brought home some weed, and he's also had a drink every night of the Christmas holidays? I think I've had a drink every night of the holidays, and I have had a marvellous time. The weed - it's an occasional thing. Personally I don't see the problem, but I guess this is one of those subjects that if you don't agree boundaries about as a couple, then it's going to give you grief.

There's also something that strikes me as unusual about publishing a personal message for strangers to read and assess before you send it to the person you've presumably been closest to for years. I don't quite get that, but it suggests to me that you lack confidence in your relationship, and maybe that's the real problem.

Do you have kids Emma? How lovely for them to spend the holidays with an intoxicated parent.

Op clearly states there are past addiction problems and that it adjusts his personality to the negative. In which case it has to be all or nothing.

Op I think the fact you are braving up to make your position clear on this is brave abs the right thing to do so send your letter. Perhaps offer to support him through addiction help but have firm in your mind that you will eventually have to make a choice for your DCs future if he won't go clean.

I have two! And they're lovely happy little girls - but thank you for your concern.

Emma - you may have had a drink every night of the holiday, but have you been battling a drink problem for years?

DH has an acknowledged drink problem and we drew boundaries some time back where we 'agreed' that he could drink 2 nights a week. That boundary is slipping badly at the moment, and not just in the holiday. I don't mean to drip feed but I recently discovered him drinking secretly.

As for my not having confidence in the relationship - you're absolutely right. I find it very hard to be honest with DH about how I feel. He evades, placates, avoids or blows up. I always seem to be pulling him up on something and come across like little miss perfect sometimes (I'm not). He's a lovely guy at heart but so much of what he does is dealbreaking. I also have issues with how he relates to our eldest DC - he is often controlling and critical with them. (Never with me - how odd.) so yes, Emma, I do have a lack of confidence in general. I was hoping for advice tonight on this particular issue.

Thanks for your response to my post op. I think you have 2 issues in that case: 'protecting' him from his 'friend' who essentially is trying to open up a new customer, and a longer term issue about addiction. Secret drinking is just not ok. But you know that of course.

A short sharp shock will probably deal with the hash, but I'm not sure what to advise on the drink. The problem about boundaries to drinking is, as you are finding, that the boundaries start to slip...

It's too long. He is unlikely to read all of it.

And how do you know the weed was "gifted" to him? I've heard that story too many times [bitter] and it's usually a cover for (as Wilson said) "someone has given it to me to sell for them, and I can keep some of it" so being "gifted" a large amount in reality means being on the way to dealing.

Your dh has a drink and a drug problem. It sounds to me as though both are serious enough to affect his (and your) life, so if I was you I would have a zero tolerance policy on this.

You don't say how old your children are.

Do they not deserve better than an addict as a father? An addict to whom drink and drugs are more important than they are? Someone who self-medicates to such a degree it impacts on his ability to look after them, physically, emotionally, financially?

The emotional part of your letter should be one paragraph long. And should be followed by a written ultimatum "get rid of it or we are through".

Sorry, but my children have grown up in a house with an addict. It is no life for kids .

In my case I had no choice - the addict is/was my oldest son.

But you have a choice. This will not get better - you say yourself the boundaries are slipping. Your dh is an adult, you can't control him by saying how much he can smoke or what nights he can drink.

I'm really sorry. I wish I had more constructive advice. But I suspect you know I'm right

I'm sorry if I was flippant, Flats - I can now understand how there's a bit more going on with you and your husband than some festive overindulgence and some occasional weed smoking. It's hard when you feel cast in the role of the negative, critical person all the time. I'm not sure what to suggest really - you talk about "dealbreaking"; are you thinking of separating? It sounds like you've been through periods like this before if he has an agreed weekly alcohol limit.

OP, I think that is a mature and carefully thought out email, not preachy and nagging.
I hope you get the response you deserve and that he pulls his socks up.

We have come extremely close to separating before. The 2 nights a week deal saved us at that time although I knew even then he would try to push the boundary sooner or later. Because he isn't actually dealing with the problem.

I know it, I saw it then and I see it now. I'm an idiot .

If you do ever reach the point at which his actions are a deal breaker, it could be very useful for you to have sent this email

MaryZ thank you. You are totally right, and I know you're very experienced with this issue. You posted on a thread I had at the time I almost left him just over a year ago (different username). And look at me, exactly where I was then .

No, you aren't an idiot.

You really aren't. You love him, you have done your best for him.

Now you have children, your priorities have changed. While you yourself might be able to live with a using addict, you can't let your children see that.

If it's any consolation I too am where I was a year ago. I am a much stronger person now though, and my younger children are older. They are now almost adults, and we can discuss this, and they recognise that their brother had problems beyond his addiction (as all addicts do).

We, as a family, have decided to live with it, with some provisos. And ds is growing up and getting (a bit) better all the time.

You, with much younger children, haven't got the luxury we have, to be able to discuss it as adults and make allowances.

So you need to make a list of what you can deal with and go from there. Do you go to al-anon or narc-anon meetings? Because they can be very helpful, and some have attached creches so you can attend even with small children.

I found that once I was honest to my family and friends things got a lot better. You should start by being totally honest with one person in real life who you trust (a relation or a friend, it doesn't matter). You will be able to tell by their reaction to your honesty how far down the line of self-delusion your family has gone. And go from there. I bet if you put your foot down you will get a lot of support.

And you never know - a complete "that's it, I've had enough" might be sufficient to frighten him. But he has to know you mean it - you can't compromise with an addict.

I wish you all the very best. I'm sure you and your kids will be fine

Having been in your situation I know empty threats don't work, and merely limiting his intake is worse than dealing with the problem head on by letting him slip to his lowest ebb. Often on hitting a rock bottom an addict then realises they have to change. It's hard to be in this situation where it feels like you're waiting but honestly al anon helps immensely give them a call. All the people saying you need to give him an ultimatum are wrong- it will not work and will just increase the feelings of guilt and shame he will already be feeling as he cannot stop using. If you are in danger you need to remove yourself obviously. But if you are not and you love him it is just not as simple as leaving him especially if he is a loving father. No one is perfect an addiction is like other illnesses parents can get and it needs treatment. Please call al anon.

OP, he is an alcoholic and a drug user

No amount of "agreements to limit his drinking", arguments, heartfelt letters, pussyfooting around such a manipulative person is going to help, I am afraid

At the moment, he is choosing drink and drugs over his family. Your reaction should reflect that, and he should be leaving the family home until he chooses for himself to put his family first or truly feel the loss of them.

Anyfucker, can you explain what you mean by a 'manipulative person' please? I see him as a person with addiction issues and he often evades discussing things (he'd rather pretend everything's fine) and I see him as a selfish person in some ways, but I don't think I've ever seen him as manipulative.

All users/addicts are manipulative.

He is making you feel sorry for him. Which is the wrong way around.

And making you feel guilty, which is also the wrong way around.

They all are so convinced that their behaviour is justified (like your dh telling you his stash was free and therefore ok to take, for example), that they can make anyone else start to doubt themselves.

That's why I suggested you being absolutely truthful with one person in real life. If you find you can't, you have a major problem. If you start backtracking as you tell them, you have a major problem. If they start looking at you like , you have a major problem.

I don't know who to talk to.

Feels so disloyal to him to talk to someone who knows him.