I don't know what to do.

[offloadingthisshit]

This year has been shit. I have had numerous relationship problems with my now XP. I asked him to move out in April but, pointlessly, carried on seeing him. This all turned to the biggest pile of shit which I posted about on here. I got pregnant, had an abortion, he cheated, ya de ya de ya de.

I actually do not know how to move on from this. Besides my kids, he was my everything. I am going away on my own tomorrow for New Year, planning on walking the dog and having some alone time for the first time in months.

I am so worried about everything. I am worried about the future. I don't want to be on my own. My kids are amazing and I am 100% there for them so there is a point to getting on with things. I am studying and will qualify this year. I have a lot to look forward to but, again, I don't want to be on my own.

I had hoped for a lovely relationship with my XP, a shared future, him at my graduation, his support. He gave me none of this and I know that and I am better off without him but how do I move on from this. I am not thinking of dating or anything, just being able to let go of a dream that never materialised.

All sounds so pathetic and needy.

You're not pathetic and needy so stop that right now. You're going through a massive upheaval and the future's uncertain - who wouldn't be feeling afraid of that?

I don't think there's a recipe for moving on, I wish there was. You can only do what you can do each day to build a new life. Going away for a few days and blowing the cobwebs away with your dog is as good a start as any. Being alone is better than being lonely with a crap partner, isn't it?

I live on the coast and at this time of year I'm particularly reminded of my own loss - so I'm drawn to the sea when I can face going out. I make a posh hot chocolate when I get home, put a cat on my lap and stroke her until she purrs.

You do deserve better than you've had and right now you're the best person to deliver that.

Better to be on your own OP than to be with someone who brings hurt into your life. (I am single too btw - and have been for quite a while)

It's hard not to want to be with someone though, I know that, I feel the same.

If you've had a bad experience, best to get some space for a while. Perhaps it's easier if you just think 'I'll give it a year and then will start looking' - might make it feel less like forever single' iyswim?

Hope you have a lovely time over New Year, sounds great.

If he was not supportive you are better on your own.
Move on and hope to find a guy who will love and respect you for yourself.

Thank you for being nice to me. You are, of course, all right in what you say.

He wasn't supportive, quite the opposite, he regularly tried to sabotage my studies by throwing his toys out the pram at critical moments (like when my DS broke his arm and I was compiling my end of year portfolio and he kicked off about how I was a miserable to live with with no time for him and why did he come home to me when I was X, Y, Z) hence why I chucked him out that April.

He regularly told me I was a miserable. I really am not miserable, I was just tired. I get up at 5am, am in work by 7am, work 10-12 hours, come home (and before I can do anything i've got to clean up the fry-up you cooked at 10am and left on the side so that I can) cook dinner, do 3 x homework, bath, reading, bed, put a load of laundry in etc etc by which time it is 10pm and, no, I don't want to have a drink and pander to your ego, I was on my knees.

He told me he loved me and he loved my kids but in reality he liked my daughter and barely tolerated my two boys. As for loving me, well, you wouldn't leave someone you loved to have an abortion that they didn't want on their own because you couldn't deal with emotional shit. Then when the person that you declare that you love is grieving afterwards, you wouldn't be shagging some bipolar alcoholic from the pub would you.

Arrrggghhhh, I just want to scream. I knew him for 18 years and was with him for 3.5 years and he treated me like that. I think I am going through a combined loss/angry phase as I have had to get on with it as been on placement and then the kids were home all Christmas so this is my first evening on my own.

Thanks for reading xx

So sorry OP. He sounds horrendous. Enjoy the peace and quiet - and tell him that you're so sympathetic to how he has suffered that you're taking your miserable self off to be on your own

It does all sounds very pathetic and needy - which we all sound when dreams are shattered. Be needy and pathetic for as long as you need, then dust yourself off and become yourself again. We all need to wallow now and again, it's all part of the process of grieving when somebody turns out to be not what you'd built them up to be. You know you're better off without him, so be kind to yourself until you're ready to fully acknowledge that.

I'm not telling him anything, I am not allowed to contact him because of something else I posted about. He owes me nearly £1K. I have written him a business like letter confirming the payment arrangement he agreed to and informing him that if he doesn't pay then I will have no option but to retrieve the money via the small claims court. I can't afford to wave goodbye to £1K, I am a student with 3 kids with a mortgage (I lent him it to repair his workvan in September before any of the recent stuff happened).

I want to give myself a slap for being such a twat.

Oi!

That's the third time you've said something derogatory about yourself. Don't do that to yourself. You're a hard working mother who is trying to do well for your family.

You binned a bastard and that's A GOOD THING.

Hey, I've been were you are right now twice actually in the last 5 years, the first one just couldn't take to my children had so many rules for my little ones but none for his teenagers he paid me nothing and lived in my house, was moody, controlling and it was just awful, so I did something similar I took the kids on holiday abroad, I was scared shitless as never done that on my own, but it was fantastic I realised I didn't need a man I could cope on my own I felt so much more relaxed on my own no moody man moaning, I sat on a sunbed by the pool watched the children play and just had a plan with what I was going to do when I got back, I was suddenly strong again and I stuck with it I got rid when I got home and me and the kids had a ball breaking all his stupid rules. Eventually I met someone else through a friend, I thought he was fab took on my children with open arms.....how wrong was I it was the worst relationship I ever had he was abusive, controlling, moody violent manipulating a womaniser jealous everything u don't want in a man, I had to involve police I was scared for mine and the children's life! But I stuck at it I rang every domestic violence help line there was police eventually he left us alone, I never thought I would come back from that but I did, my children are happy doing well at school I have my own business, still studying and I have met someone else, taking it slow but so far so good, but I didn't give my heart quite so easily this time. The reason I'm telling you this is to show you you can move on you just have to plan nice things for you and your children and when you are ready you will meet someone better as your twat radar will of been well in truly tweaked .....sorry to ramble hope it helps x

Thank you both :-)

FW, you are right. I just can't believe I stuck with it for so long and made so many compromises for so little but then, given our history, I needed closure and, if nothing else, I have that.

Strongmum, yes, that deffo does help! Thank you for sharing. It's the sort of thing I need to hear!

Just make the most of being away, plan lovely stuff with your children get your mojo back, buy some new clothes retail therapy helps pick yourself up you can do it , happiness is out there to be found xxxx

:-)