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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

friend & DH flirting...or am I being paranoid ?

27 replies

bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 14:17

My friend (a very sweet young woman who's helped me a lot in the past) came to my daughter's birthday party last year as she's very fond of my children. She said she was coming to help (more or less invited herself over to a kiddie party ) but turned up 2 hours late, wearing an extremely short skirt, beamed at DH when he walked in with a plate of food prepared for her..sat around talking to him....didnt help with kids...and proceeded to be super friendly to and loiter around my husband.

For a year before the party, I'd been confiding in her that my marriage was on the rocks as I'd discovered that my DH had been playing around and emotionally (possiblly physically too) involved with one particular girl at work, and moving in on another. She knows that I was heartbroken, staying put in a broken marriage with a bastard of a husband for various reasons ...and I thought her loyalties would lie with me, and that she'd be polite and civil towards DH but not all super friendly and spending time with him alone. My parents and this friend all trekked out into the garden to view a studio DH had built, after some time my family and I made our way back indoors whilst she stayed in that studio alone with him for about 15 minutes.

She's been attempting to meet up with me.as her own marriage is ending and.she wants to talk to me. She's about 12 years younger than me, and feels I offer her good advice. I've been avoiding her all year, but she's really bugging me. Do I tell her what I thought of her friendliness with my husband or do I ignore it because it'snonsense and I'm being overly paranoid?

Your thoughts appreciated. Please don't ask why I'm still with my husband, its another story and so long winded.

Many thanks

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BohemianGirl · 29/12/2013 14:20

If you neither like nor trust her - steer well clear. She is quite likely sussing your DH out as a replacement. Or he very well may be seeing her and shes sussing out whether you are any closer to ending your marriage.

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 14:24

I thought her loyalties would lie with me

Could be that she's testing the waters out with someone she already knows is footloose and fancy free.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 29/12/2013 14:24

Be busy and unavailable. There is being paranoid and there is ignoring the big siren going off in your head. They may bypass you altogether if there's already a spark but no point in putting out the welcome mat.

You ask us not to ask but you know we shall...

bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 14:25

Many thanks for your reply bohemiangirl ... I feel less mad

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bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 14:27

Donkeyloves....that last bit made me smile....

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AimeeDubucqdeRivery · 29/12/2013 14:31

Friends don't behave like she did.

I wouldn't personally mention her behaviour towards your DH, but would probably text and politely say that you dont want her contacting you again, as you don't want to continue the friendship and don't want to go into the reasons for that. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 29/12/2013 18:08

that's strange behaviour
don't commit any of your time to her
don't open up anymore
the main thing is you were there and other people were at the party to see so maybe ask a good or close friend that was there if they think they were flirting
but most of the time we go with our gut I noticed someone flirting with my husband on a social media site. It got to a point I was fed up with his constant notifications and it being a distraction, my gut just wasn't feeling right about it so I told her to do one so if yours isn't feeling right follow your instincts.

Strongmum72 · 29/12/2013 18:41

Go with your intuition, it's normally right your not being paranoid if you felt something wasn't right, don't have anymore to do with her who needs friends like that....just as a matter of interest did your how did your husband react ?

WandaDoff · 29/12/2013 18:43

She is no friend of yours.

Go with your gut feeling.

uptheanty · 29/12/2013 18:48

Def go with your gut.

Just don't feel the need to explain it or justify it to others..IYSWIM ?

Be very busy but friendly to her when you see her but do not go out of your way.

She is NOT to be trusted.

Monty27 · 29/12/2013 18:51

When it smells like a rat, then it is a rat.

Trust your instincts.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/12/2013 18:53

Given your DH's history I'd have thought the last thing he'd be doing would be bringing her plates of food, spending ages chatting and paying attention to her and then loitering in his shed or whatever it was, with her, alone, for 15 minutes and THAT'S where your problem lies.

bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 18:59

Thankyou thankyou for all your supportive advice, really helping me to feel sane again.
Strongmum, he just laughed it off and looked at me puzzled .." oh don't be daft, it's only Jane! She's a family friend & unattractive !" (not her real name) denied it all, made me out to be the paranoid idiot as usual...and told me to be continue the friendship...

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bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 19:09

Agree whonickedmyname, but he has made a bold statement that I need to accept his flirtatious nature and 'just trust Jim's if this marriage is to work. Apparently he draws the line at flirting. I have reason to believe otherwise.

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bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 19:10

Hence our marriage is pants.

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bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 19:12

Should read "just trust me " not Jim...who's Jim?

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GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 19:16

It's life, Jim...

But seriously, she sounds like a major flirt and he's already got form. If I were to guess I doubt anything else has happened but it seems they are definitely attracted to each other.

It's solely up to you whether you want her in your life or not though.

If it was me I'd probably be polite, but leave it at that.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/12/2013 19:26

Hang on.. This party was a year ago and you've avoided her since then?

Just keep on ignoring and avoiding her then? I'm surprised she hasn't got the hint by now already.

JaceyBee · 29/12/2013 19:30

Yeah I was a bit confused about the timescale? Was it that the party was a year ago (ish) but it didn't really bother you until recently as she's now split with her H?

nkf · 29/12/2013 19:40

I'm inclined to think that your husband's behaviour is a bigger problem. It makes you unhappy and he tells you that you need to accept it. Then you feel paranoid.

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 19:43

Your husband is relying on you to just trust him when he's doing nothing to earn that trust and insists that his poor behaviour is merely a figment of your imagination. Something went on in that 15 minutes. She is unimportant and you can just be unavailable forever.

kaizen · 29/12/2013 19:47

Not sure I'd be competing with any woman for this 'prize' - bet he loves having two women fighting over him

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 19:49

Yes agree with the point about your dh behaviour . Why are you still with him if you suspect he has cheated?

This young new girl is just a symptom of his shitty behaviour. He fact he is trying to make you unsure of your self is fucking hideous.

Don't trust either of them. Trust your gut!

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 19:53

I think you should welcome her with open arms and hope that he goes off with her Grin

Sorry, but really, I'm not entirely sure why you want to keep him.

bananacarnival · 29/12/2013 20:29

Maryzboychild...that's too funny !

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