Father's son is looking for him

[notsoonlychild]

Ok. Not sure why I'm writing here but feel the need for some other perspectives. I'm an only child. Or so I thought. But many years ago I found a letter which showed my dad had been paying child support for a child born before he and my mum got married. I didn't say anything, and have kind of had it in the back of my mind. Scroll forward umpteen years, and I'm doing family history research. I found a message, clearly from my father's son - saying he is looking for his dad. The message was from about a year ago.
So. I don't know what to do. My first instinct was that I should tell my dad. But then I thought, does my mum know? The letter I found years ago was stuffed in a cupboard. Was that to hide from me, or her? But if the son is looking, and is fairly intelligent, it won't take him long to find him if he really wants to. Maybe he already has the info and is wondering what to do with it. Would it be any better for this man to turn up on the doorstep unannounced, or should I tell my dad he's being looked for - so he has the option to a) contact his son, and b) discuss it with my mum? He has no idea I have known this.
On another level I think - they have a right to know eachother (though I don't know what led him not to be involved in the child's life) - I've cyber stalked the man a bit and found he has children. I don't - perhaps I never will. This is my dad's chance to be a grandad maybe. But then what about my mum? My head is spinning.
What do others think? It feels like a time bomb which might go off whether I say anything or not. They've just retired. I hate to think what might happen if my mum doesn't know about this.

Talk to your father, it is his place to talk to your mother.

You seem to have ignored yourself in all this - do you want to meet your brother and nieces/nephews?

Mind you - how do you feel about a half brother in the equation?

I have several older half-siblings, three from my mum and one from my dad. I always knew about my dad's other child, but my dad wanted nothing to do with her until a few years ago. I think he struggled with coming to terms with what how the mother of this child treated him. However, they are now fairly close, and my dad is really happy to have been able to get to know her and her children.
With this experience, I would suggest talking to your dad. Tell him now you feel (I'm reading between the lines and presuming you'd like to get to know your half-sibling). Once your dad knows you are ok about it, he might be ok. My dad was worried how I would react to him getting to know his other daughter. I was glad.
Speak to him.

Yes, tell your dad.

I think you have to tell your Dad and then let him decide what to do with that information.

On the one hand, yes, it'd be interesting to get to know him from my perspective. It's my mum I'm worried about I think. I mean - if she has known all along, then ok - it'll be a thing, but maybe something they've prepared themselves for. But if he's never told her this child exists - it will be a major issue.
I suppose I also worry that my dad might not react to the news as I'd hope he would.

Tell your Dad, and then decide for yourself if you want the opportunity to have a relationship with your half brother which you are perfectly entitled to do with or without your parent's blessing.

Have a talk with your Dad, find out why he hasn't had anything to do with his child all these years. That's really sad. Do you want to know your brother?

You need to discuss it with your father. It is his story to share with your mother. Chances are, she probably knows anyway. How old is the half brother?

What a difficult situation. And I would imagine not actually that uncommon when someone starts doing a bit of family history. It's amazing what people think they can bury.

One instinct says: wait it out. If he comes forward, it's exceptionally unlikely your parents would ever say to you "oh by the way, notsoonlychild, did you ever see a message from [x] and not tell us?". So you could probably fairly easily just be surprised when this person shows up.

The other instinct says: if this is all starting to bubble to the surface, let's get it out there in as sensitive a way as possible, to protect the feelings particularly of your mum.

Personally I would speak to your dad. You could say you just came across this as a result of the research, and not mention the letter from years ago. Of course, he may just then deny it's him, in which case you might want to put forward the letter.

Do you think the child was born as a result of an infidelity of your dad's, or just before your parents even met?

The brother is 42/43 - I think he was born just before my parents met. There was some stuff going on with my mum's family when they met which might have made it understandable not to get into potentially heavy conversations straight away - but I would have hoped at some point he would have told her.

I do think I need to talk to him. It will be monumentally hard though. We have an odd relationship as it is.

Odd how?

42/43 is still of the era where illegitimacy was frowned upon. It does need sensitive handling.

Just odd. Too alike. We didn't get on when I was a teenager, things have got better / worse / better over the years. We're very alike but have different beliefs / priorities which get eachother's goat occasionally. He doesn't really do "serious chats" with me. He finds it as awkward as I do I think. Though he's a good dad. In the ways that count.

Talk to you Dad if you can.

And look out for yourself, too, and think about what you want. I discovered I had an older half-sister when I was 26. It totally turned my life upside down, as I'd never had any inkling of it, and it meant all the people I was really meant to be able to trust unquestioningly (i.e. my parents, grandparents and so on,) had lied to me all these years. I found it very difficult to work through, and whatever you choose to do, be aware that it may be difficult for you, especially if people don't behave as you would like them to.

(My parents are both dead now, and as far as I'm aware, neither ever knew I knew.)

I agree that your starting point should be to talk to your dad to find out if your mum knows and to see how your dad feels about meeting him. Then take it from there.

If your mum doesn't know then better for her to find out from your dad than by a man turning up out of the blue.

It also gives you time to come to terms with it and maybe contact him yourself if your parents are ok with it.

Good luck.

We had a similar-ish situation a few years ago, except that the man was a full-blood brother of my mum and had been adopted after huge family troubles, and my nan's second husband had already died.

My mum and her sister got to know him a little first (long distance as he is in oz) and then went together to tell my nan. I think it gave my nan peace to know that her son was ok and that he wanted to get to know his birth mum.

Since then, my aunt, nan and dad have all died (in the space of 18 months) and I am glad my mum has her brother, albeit one she has never met in person.

If it was me, I would talk to your Dad first, then take it from there.