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Original poster

Step MIL - WWYD

11 replies

BouncyCow · 29/12/2013 12:06

I haven't spoken to step MIL in 7 years due to her behaviour towards my DH, BIL and I (telling us we weren't welcome, telling me I would struggle to look after a child properly) in the past and her utter lack of remorse in the face of some truly outrageous behaviour and comments. FIL is finally starting to understand as he has found out about a number of lies she has been telling/ tells if things don't go her way with people and she has fallen out with both of her siblings and her mother due to 'slights' they have made against her.

We spend every Christmas at my parents as she doesn't want me at her house and whilst I would be perfectly civil and nice for my DCs sake, she will not do the same. The DCs are still little and people come to us, or we see them a few days after Christmas to give presents. This year, both DCs had a terrible virus which made them really poorly up to Christmas Eve, so DH texted his dad and step MIL to ask if they could pop over to us in the morning, and as MIL didn't like me, I would go to my parents.

Her response was that she was never going to get over how she has been treated in the past (mainly she feels she was ignored at our wedding, despite there being over 100 guests, some of whom had travelled hundreds of miles to see us and she refused to move from her seat or talk to anyone except FIL) and she thought DH should bring the DCs over for Christmas lunch every other year so it's fairer.

As I've said to FIL who was mortified at her behaviour, this isn't going to happen until she can get over it. DH and I have made it clear we are willing to just get on with life and let bygones be bygones as we've all had plenty of time to mature and mellow out and reflect/apologise for our behaviour or handling of the situation. I readily admit I didn't handle it well by completely withdrawing and being angry.

I was thinking of writing a letter to step MIL to apologise for my handling of things in be past and to say that I am happy to just get on with life so that wE can all enjoy the children, but is this the right thing to do? I worry I would be resentful at all the running and apology making and compromising, when MIL has already said she will never get over it and is still exhibiting the same behaviours she was when I last spoke to her.

Wise MNetters, what do you think? Sorry it's long!

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 29/12/2013 12:14

Why are you letting this toxic and dysfunctional woman near your DC?
No I would not write her a letter and I would probably cut off all contact.
You would actually leave your own home to accommodate her madness?
Time for you to protect your children and roar OP.

tribpot · 29/12/2013 12:18

I quite agree. The idea that you would vacate your own house on Christmas Day is ludicrous. And the idea that you should forego Christmas lunch with your own children every other year is ridiculous.

There is no point in apologising to this woman, and no reason to do so. It will probably also be thrown back at you in the future as you having admitted the situation was all your fault.

Your DH needs to handle this with his dad, it's his family and his problem. And the only message I would give if I were him is: you are welcome to see us at our house, but you will do so only if you are prepared to be civil. We will not be visiting you at your house. The end.

Original poster
BouncyCow · 29/12/2013 12:28

I worry if I go really batshit crazy like I want to, that I would irreparably damage the family dynamic between FIL, DH and BIL.

basically, BIL is someone who hates conflict and any upset and is pretty disparaging of us when DH and I talk about the situation with MIL. He was told by MIL that he wasn't welcome in his own home and subsequently moved out, but he just says that life is too short and shrugs it off, which makes me feel like I'm over-reacting and BIL can be openly horrible and hostile to DH if he thinks DH is 'rocking the boat' and so DH ends up leaving it too. BIL would be really really resentful if anything affected FIL, or if BIL was inconvenienced in anyway ie perhaps having to engage with his family past small talk if it really kicked off.

FIL is finally getting it I think - he's adamant that I should never have to leave my home or spend Christmas apart from my DCs just because MIL wants her way, and he has advised MIL of that fact. He's also becoming increasingly bitter at the fact that he drives halfway across the country to help her DD move house 3 times in the last year, but his wife won't really have anything to do with his sons.

Honestly, my family are 10 times larger than DH and have about a millionth of the issues....

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/12/2013 12:31

There's no need for you to go batshit crazy. There's no need for you to do anything at all, is there?

You maintain the status quo, which is miminal contact with your DH's family. Why would that change?

Original poster
BouncyCow · 29/12/2013 12:32

Her DD has declared loudly that she will never had children so I think MIL is thinking this is her only chance to be a grandmother, but as have always worried that if DCs were to ever 'slight' her when they get older, she wouldn't be able to handle it in an appropriate way and wouldn't want anything to do with them. Likewise if her DD did have children, my DCs wouldn't be 'needed' anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
BouncyCow · 29/12/2013 12:34

You're right tribpot, minimal contact is the way forward. It just gets tiring after 4 years of the same thing coming up every Christmas and birthday.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 29/12/2013 12:36

Step MIL is your FILs wife?

Why are you even getting involved? This is your DHs family, let him deal with it.

Original poster
BouncyCow · 29/12/2013 12:42

I think DH and FIL have got the message across to her, I just feel frustrated I suppose. We have the same thing every year and I just wish (in a completely unrealistic way) that we could get it sorted out. But seeing it all written here just confirms how messed up it is and how happy I am to wash my hands of it completely.

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/12/2013 13:26

What comes up every Christmas and birthday? You always go to your family for Christmas, is this queried by FIL every year?

You're quite right that contact with your DC would entirely be for her own benefit and they would get dropped as soon as she didn't need them, or they disagreed with her in any minor way. Far better to protect them from that ever happening.

BohemianGirl's point is important - this is not your family. Your DH needs to sort it out.

Noctilucent · 29/12/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitzAndGiggles · 29/12/2013 21:39

Your MIL sounds like a very nasty toxic woman who will regret all this drama when she's taking her last breath. And no you should never have to leave YOUR home because she doesn't like you. Can't your dh just tell her to grow the fuck up?!

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