family fall out+DV

[dingdangdong]

Long story short,left my abusive ex under police escort 4 years ago,exhausted (after 18 years+4 attempts),no money traumatised+ 2 teens. Mother wealthy refused to help replied"tough love", sister sent xmas card to ex (who had tried to kill me) & has ignored us ever since. My two have suffered due to this sense of exclusion all their lives, I feel betrayed, let down & on top of dealing with the effects of my ex's violence/instability & financial meltdowns I simply cannot fathom this deliberate almost boastful shunning by my family. Saw my sister in July - she has not seen me for 7 years to give her 50th birthday pres (she ignored mine of course), rest of family went to her party - my aunts etc, again nada. Am I too cynical in thinking this is about money & cutting me out of my my mum's will? Very odd since sis very wealthy - but high spender.(my sis was given sole power of attorney as I was leaving my ex?) Its a puzzle and a grief, it will pass - but any offerings?

Just thought I would send sympathy,
Very very similar story to yours, albeit much less extreme (no police involvement).
No, I don't understand any of them, but am slowly coming to accept that I never will.
It is like the huge bad debts they left us with - we need to write it all off and start again with the children.
The 'inheritance' is probably a major factor - but money is never just money - it comes with icebergs of meaning attached. We need to cut ourselves free from all of it.

Thank you Arthritic, very thoughtful post, money & "love" & abuse all mixed up. I wondered if I was right in thinking this was unacceptable & cutting free - but I have been too accommodating in the past. Feel my sibling always wanted me out of the way - but it is all beneath the surface. Won't go on! But thanks.

Let's not stress ourselves with a timescale.
After years of trying to monitor my 'progress' presuming it would be in a forward direction -
I have decided to view the path to freedom more like the progress bar on the computer:
the one that says 'one hour; three minutes; four days; installation of software unsuccessful - reinstall ...
sorry if the metaphor doesn't make sense

Great metaphor; the work of trying to reassemble what you thought you knew about:

1. family (always there for you - pah) and
2. loyalty (surely people respect that - no?) and
3. being a nice person (surely if you don't try to make enemies that is enough?)

Trying to be so logical about chucking out my own distorted reactions I am sure it is an never ending job, you are right it is not linear. Thanks - gears are grinding.

My family all fucked me over too when things ended with my abusive ex.

Seems they all got something out of me being hurt, manipulated and worn down.

As I began to rise back up, they all tried to stamp on me in their own individual ways.

I've just cut the last member off.

Funny thing is, he's thousands of miles away, so i'm safe, but the ex is behaving, being nice and apparently looking at his own behaviour and apologising for his abuse.

He's lost everything and everyone in life though, perhaps as it says in Lundy Banxroft's book, he's finally opening his eyes to what he's done.

My family however, when faced with not having control of me, have ramped it all up and I had to call the police the other week [JeremyKyle emoticon]

I'm still rising.. i'm stronger than i've ever been in my life.

Hey Hissy, welcome to my world! What gets me is how long it took me to see it.. I kept wondering if it was my paranoia - I asked for nothing from them, though said their support would have been nice - no couldn't manage that one.

I feel strong (sometimes) but also so hurt that they behave in this way.
Then I wonder if they keep trying to hurt you to test your strength - IDK.
Either too strong or too weak - either way "my" fault - for being me.
Yours does sound like control - so that's how it can go on for years so victims unable to be strong enough to leave.. it makes me so sad for other women caught like this..
Gosh the emotions are running pretty high in your family - I am really sorry for all you are going through - !!! Cut my mum off & it hurts like hell but she kept on hurting my family..

My mum was the last to go, last week, but I won't be terrorised in my own home by her and her vile H. To see my ds visibly shaking with fear, yellow in the face and crying.

my ex left almost 3 yrs ago, and the tumbleweed that rolled when I looked for a teensy bit of emotional support was bewildering. My dsis managed to orchestrate a superb coup and took a spectacularly cruel action and catapult it into monumentally evil and unbelievably mean territory and delivered her blow with a smile on her face.

My surprise/shock/horror at her unmasked hatred of me was completely ignored, and continues to be so until today.

I've gone to shed loads of therapy and am pretty much comfortable with my decisions not to have anything more to do with any of them.

I'll write an End Letter in the New Year just to make sure that none of them ever contact me again, or i'll push for legal action.

I'm cross, sad but no longer raging, no longer in pain. I'm resigned to being just me and ds, and am thankful that never again will my ds be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed by them, nor will he be terrified by them again.

I've told the other members of the family (aunt/uncle/cousins) and they are as bewildered as I am/was.

I'm looking at a visit from SS in the New Year thanks to the latest episode. I don't think i'll ever be able to forgive them for this.

What pisses me off the most is that if they'd have left me to be raised by wolves, it'd have done less damage to my self esteem, and perhaps i'd not have suffered for the 10 years of a DV relationship. They groomed me for that.

I hope Karma keeps them awake at night.

The hurt subsides though love, as you realise it wasn't you that caused any of this.

The anger is something we must go through before we can heal. It gets easier.

The escalation was caused by my refusal to get back in the place they wanted me to occupy, and christmas magnified it, and gave them excuses to come to my door. They are panicking cos i'm 'not doing as i'm told' (I got told this numerous times as I waited for the police to arrive)

I'm in my mid40s ffs!

Hang on in there chick! You'll gain strength and they won't matter anymore!

Feel like I belong to this thread too!
(((Hh))) and (((dingdang)))

They wait fir you to fall and stamp on your head and heart to try and finish us off when we are at our weakest!

My DSis showed her contempt to my arrival as the new baby girl when she was 9 yrs old and hated me for living...battering me for the slightest thing and seething with envy for breathing on this earth! I just loved her more as she was my big sis my role model!

When ex left my sis took over trying to encourage visits at her house with me absent. I thought she was being helpful! When I eventually stopped ex seeing ds because he would only turn up at xmas and birthday and ds was not a puppy for those occassions only! Then my sis totally used this to go to school with ex and report me and told ex stuff that he used to get SS to do full investigation! That lasted 5 mins so HH SS can see through the family revenge thingy just explain that to them! I luckily had emAils from ex that showed his hatred towards me that saved my skin as he charmed them too!

My ex too tried many time to harm and kill us an my sis stayed in contact with ex, well I guess they both had something in common they both wanted me dead! But to do what they did to my disabled ds was unforgivable! They tried to stop his specialist therapy I had just won at tribunal 3 months earlier.....this therapy was as important as chemo to a child with cancer as ds would not have had a life without it! To hurt a child like that to hurt the mum is just the worst thing anyone can do.

My mum and I are best of friends...my DSishates our (mum and I) relationship! My mum fell and broke her arm and my sis never told me....I could not get my mum on phone...but I cant go to my mum as she lives in granny flat at DSis house and said if I ever go their she will call the poice on me....this 8 years ago. My dsis lives 3 streets away!

My knows I will not be going to her funeral and that is possibly down to the fact I will not be told! My mum said 'well I am not their to see it so don't worry LOL' she is stuck between two DDs who will never speak whilst mum is still alive, it is so sad! Oh I tell a lie she verbally attacked me at my DF funeral few months ago.

What I am saying is dingdang is that lepords dont change and how much we miss and still love our family it is not YOUR problem. Let them go but forgive them so you are at peace too.