He said something to me recently which explained his behaviour over the past 18 years. Something I have struggled to understand and always thinking if I could understand it I can make it better.
Quote. I come from a traditional household. The man went out to work, his money put food on the table, he kept the family going. He was the head of the household and everybody else knew their place! 
Needless to say we did not get married in the 1930s and feminism and working women were the norm when we got married, although his father was a typical example of the above.
It was realising that when I married I believed we were equal partners in our future whereas he thought of me as an inferior who needed to be taught 'her place' ended even the wish to have some kind of amicable relationship for the sake of the nearly grown up DC.
I've tried silence in the past and it just winds him up even more if he is in that mood. I have read the Lundy book and realised all the buttons he likes to press, 'your mother was controlling and you learned this from her. Your dad did as he pleased and had a woman on the side!" (Contradictory yes!).
Yes yes to the 2 am thing. Last summer I just did the silence and the broken record technique to say he could say what he liked but it didn't make it true. He didn't get me to join in and defend myself (what he calls arguing, because I am so argumentative of course!) and because he wasn't getting the reaction and I wasn't taken in he smashed holes in the wall and scrawled black marker pen all over the landing walls and doors. I spent all Saturday repairing it so that DD didn't see it as she's worried enough about my situation.
He doesn't do it in front of the DC except once last year 2 days before my DB s funeral when he kicked off in front of DS screaming at me I was being obstructive because I couldn't tell him what time we needed to leave, but it was 'up to him' because of the traffic. I thought it was the 'right' answer. Nothing physical though or broken doors, just screaming. Went on my own in the end.
I thought I was a strong independent person but I realise now I've let him get away with this for the sake of the DCs . Difficult to pack and leave when you are 12 weeks pg and having a threatened miscarriage. Nevertheless I was managing to have an affair with a total stranger. I think now I am weak after all. He screams abuse about me down the phone to his mother and brother and they know they will lose him if they defend me. 2 more people too weak to stand up to him.
Everyone's story here, especially Annie is just the same as my experience, and I too read Saint Lundy far too late. H does virtually everything in the book.
He has backed off from personal insults, family insults and other button pressing tactics because I just blank him and won't get drawn in. I just want something to say when he accuses me of having ulterior motives for 'starting an argument' which can be something like banging on the window because he's left his keys in the lock and will leave me standing in the cold for 5 minutes. I banged on the window startling him, not because I was locked out but because ( according to him) I know he has some important work to complete. Maybe ' I had no idea you had work to do/ an appointment tomorrow' then silence? God why is the need to deflect untrue accusations so strong in me?
Sorry for everyone else who went through this and is still there. 