From a single mum to living with a partner, how do u work out finances?

[Strongmum72]

Hi I've been a single mum living on my own with my 2 children for nearly 5 years now, I have finally met someone who makes me happy and we have started to have the conversation about living together in the future. I'm finding it all very daunting though, it's not going to be easy, we both have children in separate towns, separate schools. I have my own little business but I do get working tax credit, child tax credit which helps me to survive. My dp has his own business and earns quite alot so I would loose the money I now get, which ok that's the way it is but then is he expected to pay for us all? If it was a normal family they were his children that would be fine, but they're not, I earn a small amount through my business and also studying to possibly make more money but I don't think what I earn is really enough to pay towards bills, food, children's needs and myself.

As lovely as he is I would say his one fault is he's not over generous with his money, I always pay for myself I'm very in dependant in that way but obviously he would have to pay more if we were all living as a family. He said we'll have to discuss it but obviously he wouldn't be happy paying for us all which made me feel great... Just wondering what other households do financially when there is a blended family ?

I was studying when DP moved in (I was a lone parent), as he earns well I lost benefits but he made his account a joint account and he pays everything.

Since graduating, I've got a little part time job and that money gets put aside as savings.

DP likes it this way and it works for us. It took some getting used too given I'm an independent sort but we got there in the end

He sounds a lot more generous than my dp, I don't think he would do that, but i don't know till we discuss it properly I suppose. The problem is his ex wife who he was generous with it seems basically took advantage of his then generosity and ran up credit card bills for him to pay etc. so now he finds it hard to be generous with me, and he has my 2 kids as well as his own. Should he be expected to financially support us 3 as well as his own I don't know anymore

I would be very cautious in your situation. If he's not willing to support all of you and knows you'll lose your benefits, what exactly does he expect you all to survive on? The only possible way this could work would be completely joint finances imo.

I know hedge, that's what I'm worried about, not sure either of us are ready yet IMO

My husband took me on as a single mum with a 6yr old he has no kids of his own. We cleared his debts he sold his place and we bought where we live now. He is tight with himself but I do the finances he says In can have what I like costing whatever but if there is no money for direct debits then it's on me.

He knows I don't spend silly money on stuff, our account is joint and he supported my studying to become a psychotherapist which was thousands. He is both generous of spirit and is also a high earner he see's my son as his even though he has a dad who pays for him as well.

I would say be cautious he has issues he needs to sort through first before he starts projecting them on to you .

I agree precious absolutely, don't worry I'm quite happy and independant were I am and won't rush into anything a few friends have said something similar, I'm quite happy to support myself BUT I need to know he will support us and not resent us, I feel I need to get to know him more and trust him and him me tbh we both have pasts and issues like I said all very daunting but he is a good man so we'll see over the next year if we can communicate it all out not in any rush, just needed some opinions

I saw this thread earlier and I can completely identify with your situation. I was a single mum and quite happy, independant and settled. I needed tax credits to survive as I work as a carer which has awful pay.
When my partner and me decided to move in together I explained the situation and how much money I would lose by moving in with him. He understood and got what that would mean in terms of what I could bring to the relationship financially.
I have spoken to him about this as I do feel bad about him spending his money on my kids and me. He always says to me that he took me on with the kids. We came as a parcel and he was ok with that. He never moans about the cost of the kids or anything and I really admire him for that. He also considers it family money now.
I gave up my home for him and my financial freedom and it took an awful lot to do that. Lots of trust and blind faith. It worked out for us but it was a very scary time.
Sorry if this is all a bit rambly (just got back from long shift at work). Be very sure before you make that move and lay your cards on the table.

It sounds as though you both have very reasonable concerns, so I think that the best thing you can do is talk it all through. Everything. State any assumptions you have in your head. And then decide whether to move in or not.

I suppose the bottom line is, if you are just 'breaking even' at the moment, is he willing to contribute (in addition to his share of bills) the amount you'll lose in credits and lost single person council tax discount; he could perhaps see it as offset against no longer having to pay council tax and the bills for running an entire house solo... It's really important that he does, though, isn't it, especially if he earns well. If he's reluctant to see it that way it would make me feel anxious - it has to be freely given for the love of you, as PPs have said.

If he really would not be happy for his money to go into a family pot, which supports ALL of you (including your kids) I seriously wouldn't even consider moving in with him. Then again, I wouldn't consider a tight man, as I find it a massive turn off. I am generous with money, and I like the same in a man.
You are not just you-you come as a package. Your children are not separate. I have thought about this issue too, and would only move in with a man who saw it like this:
IfNot can bring in y a month to the family, I can bring in x amount, so that's xy amount in total. We have 2 kids between us, so thats xy amount for four people.
It should be that simple.
Any nickle and diming over what pays for who, and I would head for the hills.

You know it is an issue been playing on my mind for a while, it's such a shame as it's the best relationship I've had in a very long time, I've actually been through hell and couldn't believe my luck with him, things have been going so well and we're both definitely in love, buts really making me doubt the relationship, I thought someone on here might say well you should be able to still support yourself etc and it's expecting too much of him, but your responses has just clarified in my mind it's a real issue. I guess communication is the key, but I am strong now and I know if I'm not 100% comfortable I won't move in with him.....we'll see I suppose

To be honest he hasn't said he won't support us, finances haven't really been discussed yet, it's just a niggle in my head as he hasn't readily said it wouldn't be a problem, we've only really discussed location as we both live in separate towns 30 mins apart and the children in different schools, why is nothing ever simple !

My personal opinion is this is where living together and marriage can be seen somewhat differently. In marriage it is an expectation that all resources are shared. Of course, some partners (male or female) cannot share or take advantage of each other financially. By being married however, there is a certain legal protection financially if the relationship doesn't work out.

By living together without marriage you have to negotiate everything and make no assumptions. If a man wanted to marry you there is an automatic assumption that he's willing to take on the financial commitment of previous children. However, without marriage you must discuss this all honestly and carefully.

I would personally not live with a man without being married but that I understand is by own preference and I am not stating this as a judgement others - quite the opposite. My thoughts are that you have to have the courage to openly discuss all the practical issues. Don't move forward on assumptions alone. If your DP is reluctant or resentful then I would say don't move in together! And if you can't discuss these things out of fear or guilt then again don't move in together.

I agree with your last paragraph totally and it will be discussed and if I'm not happy with his response I simply won't be moving. I don't agree with the marriage part I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference tbh. I wouldn't marry a man until I knew I could live with him but quite honestly I wish I had a crystal ball !!!!!!

(The total income would be x+y).

No, I don't know why I did that either.

Strong I really think this will all come out in the wash. And, as you say, if it doesn't then it's better to know now rather than later.

Personally I would see moving in together as choosing to build a family unit together and for me that would include totally joint finances.

Me and my DH have our own bank accounts and our wages go in to those but we both consider it "our" money and give and take as is needed. I would never not share my money with him and I would be very upset if he didn't share with me - we're a team.

That would not suit everyone but its how I feel. There is no way I'd have moved in together without being very clear in advance what our arrangements would be. Also we discussed what would happen if our circumstances changed, if one of us lost our job etc.

If you are both open and honest then hopefully you will see if things can work for you.

Well I have my own house and no mortgage so I'm in a good position he has his own house and one he rents, if it was to happen we would be buying a new place together and my name for sure would be on the house/mortgage. He has 2 children the same age so I would be taking them on too, it does put a strain on a relationship but actually trying to be positive I know a lot that do work too. I've already had one that didn't work he had teenagers, mine are younger he basically couldn't handle them and wanted them to be in their rooms by 5pm every night cos he needed to chill when h came in from work, plus he wasn't paying anything, well yep he went pretty quick. So I am very cautious this time and I will put my cards on the table when the time comes. On a positive note so far in 2 years we have not had a cross word and dealt with things as they've happened and he does spoil me so I don't want to tarnish him too much it's just a niggle that grow if I don't sort it

I was a single mum for 8 years then I met DH, he was a single man with no dc. I only moved in with him after we were married because the housing situation would have been too insecure for us if we cohabited without being married (the house is mortgaged in his name and I was renting). We were very clear in advance about the consequences of getting married, I lost tax credits and other benefits, including child benefit, but DH took it all on board without question. Currently he supports us all as I'm studying, though we do get some DLA for my DS, I've never got any maintenance from DS's dad. He's never questioned my spending on me or DS out of the joint account and happily foots the bill for holidays, trips out etc. It's the only way it would work really, as I'd have virtually no other income coming in (except DLA which is specifically to cover the extra costs of DS's disability).

Remember that even if you have your own business now, circumstances might change (illness, business failing) which means that you can't bring in any more income to the household. If that happened you wouldn't be able to claim anything if you're cohabiting/married as your DP would be expected to support you fully. So don't make that commitment unless you know for sure that your DP is in a position to/is willing to do that for you and your dc.

That's a very good point actually red I will remember that when I bring it all up thanks ladies x

Yeh see if it was the other way round and he lost his job, I wouldn't even think about it everything I had would go into keeping us all no resentment no nothing would even go get another job if I needed to and I would be glad to help and wouldn't take no for an answer so yep I would expect the same back. Ohh thanks this has really helped to see it clearly in my mind x

This may be a silly question, but do you really need to move in together? If both of you are happy as you are (and 30 minutes is not a big travelling time), why not stay as you are? I don't think you need to live together to have a relationship and in reality I suspect moving in will mean a lot more work for you.