Libido missing in action....

[Ironmaiden]

Big big mess, don't know where to start to fix it.
It is basically a communication problem in my marriage which is making me pull away from DH sexually. DH complained in a rather childish way recently that I do not want sex anymore. I found it impossible to explain to him why so I'm using MN to try and sort thru my feelings.

Basically my DH is a busy man, work wise, but he chooses to spend his spare time out doing his hobbies which he has lots of, I won't list them but there are four main ones which take up approx 4-5 days/evenings a week which I think is an unreasonable ammount of time to spend away from his parenting responsibilities. When he is here he's too tired to help me with DD or the house so I feel like instead of a partner I've got a moody teenager aswell as a 1yr old.
I am currently starting a small business from home and need all the free time I can get, DD is difficult sleepng at the mo with it being so hot so I'm doing all the nights (I always have) even on weekends and he didn't get up with DD once on his recent week's hol.
My reason for accepting this behaviour and not complaining about it is that he has a stressful job and needs his relaxation time, also I am desperate to not be a nagging fishwife and so I rarely tell him how much his selfishness bothers me.
But now I'm sick and tired of being laid back and I need to make him realise that it is his behaviour towards me that's killing my desire for him, ie the more he takes me for granted the less I feel like giving him sex which has evolved into just another chore for me, something else I have to do for him.

I'm desperate to want him again, to feel desire again and feel like I'm in a relationship of two equals, not this dis-jointed, one-sided mess we are now.

Please can anyone advise me on how to stop being passive, timid and desireless? I just want DH to want to be with me and not just when he wants sex, I want him to realise how much work I do and stop being so selfish but so much time has passed now I just don't know how to change things.

Bump

Would it be possible to say something like 'Sorry love, I'm just so tired after my day with Dd - we did x, y and z and then....' maybe a list in the moment of his desire would make him realise what you do? Or would it just annoy him?

I think you need to find a time when you are not both busy and knackered - 'book' him in advance if neccessary, cook a nice meal and tell him all this! It is impossible to be doing everything and still feel up for it and, as you say, resentment is a major libido killer!

Ask him if there is one day a week (saturday?) when he can be available to help you. You simply cannot be his mother, his housekeeper and his sex toy. A relationship has to be about giving and taking and he appears to be doing all the taking at the moment. Tell him that a bit of rest and a bit of help would be a major aphrodisiac for you!

Sorry, I do know that it isn't so easy to actually sit and say thses things to his face, but you have explained the problem so eloquently here and, if it is possible to say this to his face without it turning into a row, I think you have nothing to lose. Your feelings of resentment are not going to just disappear. Best of luck.

Thanks, I've hidden my feelings so long I'm terrified of opening up to him. I did recently over another matter and he was shocked... he had no idea.
What we need is someone to take DD for a weekend so we can work things out and talk without being disturbed but none of our family live anywhere near us and our friends have their own lives.

I know I can explain things when I'm writing it down but when he's there in front of me he has excuses and reasons and explains things away, I hate being so muted but I'm at a loss now how to dig us out of this hole.

I definitely think you need to address the balance of 'spare time'. I cant see that you have any at the moment.

Is there something that you have sacrificed? Is there a hobby or something you would like to do if you had the time? Maybe you could initiate a conversation about something you would love to do if only you had the time - and suggest that parental responsibilities be shared more to allow you the time for yourself.

Its easy for habits to be formed, and as you have not raised this before he probably assumes that you are happy as things are.

Say that you are also feeling stressed and need some time for yourself - and a more relaxed you might mean a return of libido!

If you're more comfortable writing things down, why not write him a letter, so he can hear it all.

For a father of a little child to have hobbies that keep him out 4-5 nights/week is ... well ... my DH wouldn't dare, frankly.

Does he ever take your DD away for a bit on the weekend? Do you ever get time off? (Are you using childcare to help you launch your business?)

Time off is a basic human right, IMO. And if you're always on duty, no wonder your libido's run off!

Good idea about writing it down for him. Easier to say everything without getting upset and confused.

But I will say what I say whenever this situation comes up (for myself as well) - get some time to yourself. Sod trying to get time with your DH alone - that is important too but to recover your sexuality you need to recover yourself. You don't feel sexy if you feel that you don't exist. You need to be you - not just wife, mother etc.

NotQuiteCockney - no I'm not using childcare to launch my business, I'm using nap-time! No DH has never taken DD away at weekends, neither does he get up at night or in the mornings with her at weekends.
He promised me he'd take her away for a few nights next week to his parent's house (he's on a week off, builder's holiday week, Irish thing) so I can have a break. If he does it will be my first break since she was born (she's 14months) so he'd bloody well better do it!!!

Well, no wonder your libido's MIA, you're way overworked and underappreciated. Why on earth would you want your libido back, unless you'd found someone a lot nicer than your DH to use it with?

Seriously, I'd be a bit concerned that your DD would be a bit alarmed by being taken away by your DH to somewhere else without you. He needs to be doing a lot more of the childcare, particularly on the weekend. He needs to understand what you do all the time, and take a much bigger share of the work.