Dead marriage, in love with another man.

[saggytummy]

I met my husband when I was young and practically a virgin. Fast forward 25 years later I had yearnings about 4 years ago, confided in a close relative but she told me basically it was tough I had made my decision had 2 kids and that was that plus was told it would kill both sets of parents. I met a man march 2013 and started a sexual affair but it turned to love on both sides but we live opposite ends of the country plus he is single, having split with his oh after Xmas. I was about to leave my husband when a family crisis occurred so I stayed. Been seeing the other man still. It has worked out but over Xmas the om has been v distant and I now fear I have made him wait too long to be with me. Virtually no contact and I am having panic attacks and crying when I am alone. Please help, I know the advice is to end the marriage first but I can't because of family health reasons.

I am not sure what people can advise you, I know one of the wiser ones will come along shortly but I do think you need to cut contact with the other man if you know you will not finish your marraige. it's going to end in tears.
If you are unhappy, then you need to go to individual counselling and unpick why it is you are unhappy and needed to start the affair. then once you have sorted yourself perhaps couples counselling afterwards.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Thank you for ur reply, I had 3 sessions with a counsellor, worked out I don't love my husband as I was faithful prior til then. I am just in turmoil because I am hating what I am doing to my husband but if I left now the kids would be scarred and both families too.

What kind of family health reason prevents you from getting divorced but allows you to cheat on your husband and children? You honestly think your lies and deceit aren't going to have a greater impact in this "family health? reason"

I also used to be horrified that people had affairs but I don't fancy my husband any more and this was apparent before the om happened along.

It's not me with a health reason a member of our close family has a terminal illness.

You're blaming your relative for choosing to stay in your marriage when you first had doubts. That was crap advice and you knew it then just as you know it now. You didn't stay because of what that person said, but because it suited you to stay and you didn't have the courage to leave.

If your affair is discovered then that has an equal (if not higher) chance of scarring the children and the two families as a divorce. Yet again you must have known that logically, but you thought it was worth the risk.

If the OM is now distant and has ended his other relationship, chances are he has met someone else. Not unusual behaviour in someone who was having an affair with a married woman while in a relationship himself. The distance is unlikely to be associated with impatience and even if there's an outside chance that you're right about that, he has no right to be issuing deadlines when he's only just dumped his own partner at christmas and you're dealing with the final stages of a loved one's illness.

I don't quite get your or your counsellor's logic that you don't love your husband as you were faithful before. Why are the two things so linked? Maybe you haven't loved him for years and your previous fidelity proved nothing more than you didn't have the opportunity to be unfaithful? Or maybe you can't bring yourself to believe it's possible for you personally to love your husband and be unfaithful and have feelings for another man?

If I were you I'd deal with the family issue first and if it would really pour salt into open wounds if your marriage broke up now when the families are anticipating bereavement, wait it out. If the OM has scarpered by then, there's a chance you'll see your marriage and feelings for your husband more clearly without this interference. I'd be very surprised if your marriage hasn't got even worse as a result of this affair, but that's not to say it wasn't bad before it started. So if the marriage is beyond help after the waiting period, make a clean break of it.

Be honest wth yourself though about why you stayed before and why you're staying now. It's so unlikely to be solely because of what the family member said or because someone's dying now. A lot of it's likely to be your own fear of what you stand to lose if you jump ship.

Lol at 'practically a virgin'

What do you mean you can't end the marriage because of family health reasons? That's what everyone who has a long term affair says. They all think they 'can't' because of the children, or the finances, or the health needs of a family member or some other apparent complication. Well it's always going to be complicated, isn't it? You are married.

You are no different to anyone else who feels trapped in a marriage they have tired of, but are too gutless to leave, claiming all sorts of martyrdom on your part.

Either leave your husband or don't, but don't blame your lover for getting tired of the situation. He's made his break, you have not made yours. He is perfectly entitled to move on and find someone who can commit to him instead of living for years as your dirty little secret.

I'm not sure I'll be any use at all but..
YOu have been with your husband for 25 years so I guess leaving is going to be hard.
I'm not sure how old you DC are and how this will affect them.
I'm intrigued how you had a sexual affair with someone who lived the opposite end of the country.
Your new man split with his OH after Christmas, so a couple of days ago? I don't think that means you have made him wait too long for you to leave your family.
A close family member with illness is awful news at Christmas, It sounds like you have had a rough time over the holiday.

I think she means last Christmas. It doesn't add up otherwise.

I know- it's just she said March 2013. I re read the post and thought he must be unreasonable to only wait a couple of days.

Thanks for all your advice. I need to leave the marriage and face up to things. My children are primary school age and we are just a Normal average income family and what made me stop asking for a split before was I felt guilty about my husband having to go because I am the main carer. I have increased my working hours over the week now.

Is it your husband who is poorly or another relative
if it is your husband I think you need to tread carefully on how you split I am speaking of someone who has a chronic illness and sometimes a sudden change will make the person more anxious and more unwell.