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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless marriage

10 replies

Ineedsomeadviceplease · 28/12/2013 22:24

Hi all, I have name changed for this post, and promise I am not a troll.
The crux of the matter, is what do you do when your marriage becomes sex less? Been married 7 years, in my mid thirties, with two pre schoolers. DH is just not interested. Admittedly he has a minor health complaint that he says suffers as a result of sex, but none the less, you would like to think some effort may be made to work round this? He says its not me bla bla, that he still finds me attractive. - but he can't can he?

OP posts:

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 28/12/2013 22:43

I sympathise with him. We're in the same position except it's me that has no sex drive. I love him to bits and we're very affectionate with each other but I have no interest in sex at all. I go along with it so as not to hurt his feelings though.

What does he say about it?

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 22:47

It's not my area of expertise, but I don't think I would be able to stay in a sexless marriage. Intimacy brings you closer. Its the main thing you have with each other that you don't have with anyone else. You may as well just be flatmates without it.

Are you able to talk to him about it?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 28/12/2013 22:56

My dh and I are very intimate but I have no interest in sex. I guess we do other things to make up for it.

Op I hope you sort it out.

Original poster

Ineedsomeadviceplease · 28/12/2013 23:10

Bowler and ilovemydog- there is no intimacy in our relationship either. It feels as though I'm his keeper and not his lover. To me it seems he has absolutely no desire- but he denies that.
I don't nag him about it, I don't think we've had sex ( or intimacy) in over 3 months, I've mentioned it twice in that time - so really don't think I'm being pushy.
I do need something physical from this relationship :(

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 23:33

Ilovemydog but your situation is different because you do have both intimacy and sex?

I have a lowish sex drive, and DH has a highish one, so we compromise (tbh he compromises more than I do), but even with my fairly low sex drive - once/twice a week would be my ideal - I wouldn't be happy with no sex at all.

OP - bumping for you. I hope someone can give you some advice.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/12/2013 01:09

Yes I see what you mean. Oh dear. I'm afraid I don't really have much advice at the moment but bumping in the hope that someone else comes along.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/12/2013 01:15

Bowlersarm we don't really have much sex. I've had enough of sex always having to be on his terms, which is why most nights I'm sitting downstairs MNetting and watching some crap film on tv. Like I am right now.

I really need to talk to him. Op have you actually sat down and talked about it or are you worried about what you might hear?

Stacys1968 · 30/12/2013 20:01

My first post here. I have some experience of this.

I think I can authoritatively say that women in a sexless marriage are dealing with one of 3 problems :-

Their husband has a low Testosterone count. This can be dealt with.
He's addicted to porn. ALL men look at porn and it can be addicting, google yourbrainonporn. It totally kills any desire for initiating sex.
He's having an affair.

I've spent some time on another marriage forum which has many wives in a similar situation, and 99.99% of them are dealing with either #1 or #2 as the issue. They are resolvable given time.

I suspect I can't post links on here, but feel free to PM and I can send you a link to this other forum that has many wives successfully dealing with these issues.

Stacy.

Stacys1968 · 30/12/2013 20:10

Just to add to this as it appears I can't edit my own messages once posted.

Low T count - This can be debilitating for men. Causing minor depression, and what I call Lazy bear syndrome. They have no energy and no interest in sex, or doing anything really. It's equivalent to a woman having no interest in sex, the Higher drive partner can't understand why the lower drive partner doesn't want sex, and vice versa.

But the good news is it's treatable, you just have to get your husband onside to do get tested and take meds, that's the hard part.

2 ) Porn addiction - If it's not low-T causing the issue, then I almost guarantee it's porn addiction, and will most likely be hidden from you. The dopamine highs caused by extreme porn addiction can totally kill normal desire men have to initiate sex with their wives, or if they do initiate they most often can't get it up because their brain has re-wired itself to expect the extreme stimulation from porn.

MeMySonAndI · 30/12/2013 20:30

either you, your partner or both have fallen out of love. You could be wonderful as friends and partners in crime but remember, the difference between good/best friends and a couple is the sexual attraction.

Some couples stay together after the attraction has died because they are happy or suit them in any way and there is nothing wrong with it as long as neither of the parts is suffering for the lack of sex/intimacy. If you miss that part it is important that you do something about it either to reignite the attraction or to part.

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