Confused about my own behaviour

[GreenShove]

Things have been a bit difficult between DH and me for a while.

All through our relationship I have felt that I have compromised massively for him but the favour has not really been returned.

To cut a long story short, everything always seems to end up on his terms - how our money is spent, where we've ended up living, etc etc

We used to work in the same sector (pre DC). He was extremely competitive and found it difficult to cope when I was successful and used to undermine my professional confidence (he even undermined me in front of colleagues on several occasions - another long story). I found it difficult to forgive that and we almost split up. Anyway, after DC, maintaining my professional status as well as dealing with his jealousy when I was successful was too much and I gave up....

Anyway, several years on I have moved into a different professional area and I really like it. It is completely different to what I did before and it gives me space from DH professionally and fits in ok with DC etc

But I have got into hot water and I feel like an idiot. One of the first people I met in the new job has been amazingly supportive this year. He has mentored me, given me endless help and encouragement and really boosted my confidence.

He is younger than me (10 years) and so I never really considered that there was anything potentially 'improper' about us getting close professionally - it didn't occur to me that I would be attractive to him because of the age gap and because we are very different.

But it has escalated. We have been out together for an evening and out for coffees, both of which seemed pretty innocent at the time and nothing 'happened' or seemed likely to. But we have been texting each other and it's grown really, really inappropriate.

I feel bad about DH. Despite the fact that I feel that he's been selfish during our marriage, and I have resentment about various things, I know deceiving him by having a sex - text relationship or whatever it is, is really dishonest and unfair.

The other man makes me feel happy. I find the texts exciting. I suppose I find it flattering that he might fancy me. But he's married with a young child and I feel terrible about that too. Though he tells me the relationship is unhappy (no excuse, I know).

The thing is, I can't tell anyone about this, which is why I'm venting here. I tried to tell a friend and explains how I'm in a mess and that I need to get out. But she decided that the younger man is sexually harassing me and totally blames him.

Basically I am going cold turkey at the moment and I am miserable. I am not allowing myself to text or contact the man at work about anything and he is not contacting me so maybe has the same guilt or is indifferent. But it is just so painful. I know it's the right thing to do. It's not helped by the fact that DH really has been difficult and selfish over Christmas and me and DC have hardly seen him.

Sorry for long post - moral support / advice gratefully received. Please, no flaming, I'm not proud of getting into a deceitful situation even if it is entirely fantasy based (ie texts are the only sexual element)

Post here when you're tempted to contact him.

Focus now on fixing your happiness rather than on distractions like this which ultimately cause a lot of heartache.

In order to move forwards, I would suggest cooling things off with the OM as you are doing and then giving serious consideration as to whether you want to be with your husband. You need to try and make this decision independent of any relationship with the OM.

Good luck!

Going cold turkey is a good thing. It may hurt now, but it will pass.

I don't think I'd trust this other man anyway, as he's married. Your decision to stay or to leave should be independent of him.

So, I do think you need to reassess your marriage. Your OH sounds like a bastard in many ways.

I'd start by cooling it with the other guy - tell him it's wrong and you're going to stop it. Say it and mean it.

Then I'd leave the DH.

He sounds awful. You have had to compromise yourself endlessly for him. Don't think that your colleagues didn't think he was a complete prick for putting you down like that, either. Everyone would've known you were more capable.

Thanks everyone. Good advice I know.

It's complicated with DH. Imperial - you're right that DH has been shit at times. But he has also been great at other times so it's not clear cut. My parents have been very ill over recent years and he has been brilliantly supportive over that. It's true he was a prick when we worked in the same business and I was an idiot for not standing up for myself more and maybe leaving him then. Despite lapses, he's also generally a great Dad and the DC adore him. He knows I haven't been happy this year in our relationship. He tries to talk to me sometimes about it but I clam up because I don't know where to start. I do have a lot of stored up resentment which I should have addressed sooner.

Having the attention from the younger man has been like a drug. It's been easy to pretend that the flirtation is easy and trouble free (unlike the marriage). But really I know that that it is just fantasy and that if I were with the other man for real, other problems would present themselves.

But it's easy to know all this stuff in theory but part of me is just waiting and waiting for a text from him. I was crying to myself earlier because I feel like I miss him so much. But I know that's also because it's been a distraction from my actual life and having to deal with things.

Another factor is that my Dad is basically dying and that has made me feel quite crazy and reckless. I think that is part of the reason I felt no guilt at the time the texts were escalating and getting way out of control. Part of me still feels totally emotionally detached and like I could slip back if he texts me. But posting here is helping me get my strength and will power sorted out.

Green, my DH was, frankly, a shit to me in the early years. I stayed with him mostly because I am from a religious family, and would have felt ashamed to tell them I had split up from a second co-habiting relationship.

He hasnt been a shit to me for years, but i have found it difficult to forgive him for those earlier times.

This past year, we have really tried to deal with that. And there are big reasons (not excuses!) why he treated me like dirt. So, I understand him, and he is now trying to understand himself, by going to counselling. and I am trying to forgive him.

Maybe it will work out with your DH, and maybe it won't. But, you need to discuss these things with him, if you are to move forward, or the resentment will always be there.

In the meantime, you do need to ditch the OM - but you already know that. Keep being strong. You can do this!

Hi GreenShove. I came on here to look for advice about my own situation and browsing the threads came across yours. I know how painful what you're going through is and you're doing the right thing but it's so, so hard. You are being stronger than I was.
I am married with three children. In the summer I became close to a man at work 12 years younger than me, it started with flirty instant messages, I thought he would back off, he didn't. He is married with two young children. He was due to leave the UK permanently in October and to leave work at the end of August.
Basically we started an affair 6 weeks before he left work. We met maybe 10 times for a few minutes at lunchtime or after work and on four other occasions we were able to have sex. The sex was amazing, the best ever. We messaged each other lots and shared lots of intimacies, he told me I knew all his secrets. That was as addictive as the sex.
We tried to stop once he left work but that lasted 3 days.
He left the UK as planned in October. I wasn't sure I'd hear from him again but we kept in touch until about 5 weeks ago. He broke off contact because he needed to focus on his new life and trying to fix his marriage which he said he couldn't do if he was in touch with me. He's probably a better person than I am :-)
It's addictive, the excitement, the rush, the thrill of discovering you've 'still got it'. Going cold turkey is so hard, I'm in tears regularly when I'm alone. I didn't think I'd get emotionally involved but I did. I know there was no future in it for myriad reasons.
Life seems so flat and boring now. My husband is a good man, and I will sound so shallow now, but he's older, overweight and I haven't fancied him in years. We have little in common but the children.
I daydream of meeting my lover again under different circumstances, I know it's self destructive and I have to stop. At the same time he and I were separating two of my friends died a day apart. They were mums with kids same ages as mine. That's affected me so much too. It's made me question what I want to do with my life. 'Life's too short' etc. I'm suffering from emotional overload but of course I can't tell anyone about the loss of my illicit relationship.
Not sure if any of this helps but, you're not alone. And just because we know what we've done is wrong it doesn't stop it hurting. And even though I know it is for the best that he's gone and we are out of contact, it doesn't stop it hurting. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage but I know I need to sort myself out - sometimes I just don't know how I am going to do it.

Hi purplegadget, thanks for posting. I really understand what you describe. I feel totally sick and miserable today and like I want to text him all the time. It's quite reassuring reading about what you've been through though I'm sorry it's been so painful. It makes me feel less alone though.

I just feel like I've had a limb cut off. I didn't realise how much I relied on the daily contact and the flirty texts to make me feel ok. The fact that he hasn't texted me either (day 4 today) should show me something though. He's either wanting to find a way out too or doesn't feel as much as he implied. I'll see him at work next week and I'm dreading how odd it will be and how much worse I will feel when actually seeing him. Or whether it will spark it all off again because I'll be too weak. That's what has happened before - I've tried to create breaks in contact, then seen him at work and been straight back into the situation. Although as I said nothing has actually ever happened physically. If it had I suppose I'd be in an even worse state. Anyway, posting here is helping.

Morning Ladies, Sorry you are going through all this, Green I think it may hep to think of OM as a player, he has probably done this with others and will do again. He doesn't rate you enough to chase you, you cooled and sounds like he'll move on to the next.
Could you try and spend the week painting him in that light so that by the time you get back to work you are thinking of him as a dirty little sleaze?

Hi cjel - I think you're onto something there. I keep thinking that to myself. After all, if the whole flirtation meant all the stuff he's been saying over the months he would be doing some chasing. Anyway I think he probably is a bit of a sleaze. Weirdly I thought so a bit before we became close and then when we did I had a different impression of him and saw him in a much more romantic and flattering light. But he talks about women in a pretty bad way generally, really. In a way I think that was some of the attraction. Despite DH's faults he is very aware of not being overtly sexist in his comments and is self consciously PC (a bit at odds with his actual behaviour sometimes). OM is totally the opposite. I suppose that made it feel extra dangerous and exciting because rationally I would never want to be with a man who takes pride in sexist comments. But then again DH's hypocrisy in that area is sometimes laughable so........but anyway.......it's still painful and difficult to rationalise. I think my grief over my Dad's terminal illness has also skewed all my perceptions. Like you say purple gadget - emotional overload.

OM has sometimes been so mean in his comments about his wife to me that it has sounded alarm bells (e.g. She's gone from a size 12 to a size 16 since we've been married said in a derogatory way). Oddly I've never felt the urge to speak negatively about DH to OM - would rather not go there at all. But OM's comments about his wife have smacked of a callousness that slightly chilled me, even if they were designed to show me in a favourable light. So yes..,,sorry, rambling, but it's helping me to think more clearly about it all.

Aahhhggggg........please someone tell me to get a grip......the urge to text OM at the moment is so stong....I just wrote a text and deleted it straight away without sending but I'm finding it so difficult. Probably because I had a glass of wine. I need to put my phone somewhere I cannot get it. This is torture. It really feels like drug withdrawal. I keep checking my phone and the disappointment of no sign from him is so strong. I. Need. To. Get. A. Grip. FFS. I need to sort out my marriage. If OM gave a toss about me at any level he would have been in touch. The fact that he hasn't speaks volumes. Not even a friend. Let alone the other bullshit I let myself believe.

Hi GreenShove - Be strong, get a grip :-)

I understand entirely how you are feeling. It is like a drug. In the dying days of my relationship with the OM I checked my phone constantly and the disappointment when there was nothing was crushing.

Glass of wine is very dangerous thing at times like these.

Hang in there.

You know this isn't about OM at all, don't you?
He could be anyone. He's fulfilling a need that's screaming out over your posts so far. You sound so unhappy. This is all about you, you need to deal with the real source of your pain. This guy is a tosser, even you know that really. If you were happy you wouldn't have given him the time of day.

Hope you got a grip GreenShove

Remember - He is a sleaze - I am worth more- He is sleaze - I am worth more.

Keep posting here - don't text.

Hi OP - How are you doing?

I've pm'd you.

Hello again OP - you've been on my mind so I thought I'd drop by and say that I hope you're doing OK.

Hi purple, thanks so much for the PM. It was really comforting to read it. How are you? And thanks for the other replies, katiescarlett and cjel. I'm ok generally but sort of struggling with it at times. To my shame I weakened on New Year's Eve and sent OM a 'Haooy New Year' message - I know, I know, weak weak weak. Anyway he sent one back saying:

'this year has been disappointing in so many ways (he's referring to issues at work that I know about that have affected him ) but being able to call you a friend makes all that worth while, happy new year'.

So in a way that response was kind of good in that it didn't seem like he's trying to play any games and that he's trying to get some emotional distance like me, and understands that I am, and also there is some warmth there which makes me feel that the whole thing hasn't been imagined.

But then the next day and since then I've had a real crash because it unearthed lots of longing and unresolved stuff and I have been desperate to text again but have stopped myself and he's been silent again. I have felt incredibly down. When DH has been overbearing (as he can be at times) I've felt absolutely full of rage and despair and regret.

So yes, I'm a bit of a mess. I think I'm going to start a strict exercise routine or something to distract myself. I keep wanting to smoke which is odd as I'm not a smoker.

Katiescarlett, you're right - it's not really about OM I think, I need to sort myself out.

Hi Green, distraction is a good idea. I run and I find it really helps to just get out of the house and get some 'head space'. This grotty wet windy weather has been a real pain but I hope to get out tomorrow or Sunday.

NYE is a difficult time so forgive yourself for cracking. Though I'm 99.9% sure I'll never hear from OM again, and I wouldn't contact him as I know it's unwanted, there was a part of me that couldn't help wondering if he was thinking of me and if I'd hear from him. It didn't help seeing the New Year fireworks where he is on the TV.

We are still Facebook 'friends' and it was hard to resist putting something on there that he would understand if he saw it (a big if, he's probably hidden me as I have him) but I persuaded myself it would look desperate, which isn't how I want to be remembered.

I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner since the worst of the holiday period though. I think the fact that I've got my first counselling session on Monday has helped as I feel like I'm doing something positive. Going back to work has actually helped too despite the constant reminders of him there as it's keeping me busy.

I haven't cried over it for a few days now but I'm sure it'll hit me again some time soon. That 'real crash' that you describe. You are doing so well not to text again. I understand how hard the silence is. For me it was a relief when I knew the silence was going to be permanent, no more wondering and waiting, despite the immense hurt I felt - that feeling of losing a limb.

Try to stay strong. One thing that has helped me is that when I feel the urge to contact him I write 'to' him or about how I'm feeling, a kind of diary I suppose, in a password protected document. It helps me to get things out of my system and looking back I can see how my feelings are changing over time.

Sometimes I can almost imagine going back to 'normal' and plodding on with my marriage but when my DH wants to get intimate the issues between us come flooding back. I know I need to be strong and address them.

Aagghhhhhh Saw him this morning at work. We were civil as though nothing at all has ever occurred - lots of other people around. I feel like I'm in physical pain & also nauseous. Really it's as it should be - we're being adults. But it really hurts.

Yes, you're being adults but I know that doesn't stop the pain. If you can stick with it it will get easier but expect it to take months not weeks especially as you're still around each other. Hang in there.