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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you split up with your 'D' H ?

22 replies

willowisp · 28/12/2013 21:12

Dh & I married over 10 yrs, 2 DC (both at primary school) & probably appear to have a nice life.

Unfortunately not the case. He works very hard (I don't work) with his own business & doesn't have any needs other than being fed & being warm. He's a good dad & I suppose husband on paper....but that's it. Dullsville. He has no fancies/passions/get up & go.

The 2 dc (3 yrs apart) fight like cat & dog & I'm just fed up with all of them. I don't think I'm depressed because I'm ok with other people.

I'm now so fed up (probably with neglect ) that I might as well be miserable on my own. Having been a child of miserable parents, I feel this environment not good for anyone.

So what is the process ? Does one of us move out/move into spare room ? Do we put the house up for sale & split the proceeds ? Does he have to pay me maintenance etc ?

OP posts:

tawse57 · 28/12/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

timetofaceit · 28/12/2013 21:29

Hi willow, I've been were you are only my husband was never there he did his own thing I resented him and was bored fed up and like you I wanted more. It wasn't easy none of it was but eventually he moved out and I couldn't afford to keep the house so it was sold and I got myself something smaller and so did he, but it really depends on finances etc, if you have the children you are entitled to stay in the family home and he should help you financially but every situation is different and it depends if he agrees. Does he know your feeling like this though have u discussed it with him. I will say although I don't regret leaving my ex husband and I now have my own little house, my own business a newish man who makes me happy that does lots with me, holidays nights/days out with and without kids, I had some awful relationships leading up to this which were a lot worse than my ex husband. So please make sure you really can't sort this before you do anything. Have you family near by and friends as that helps too?

tawse57 · 28/12/2013 21:32

Apparently here we are only allowed to tell you what a wonderful woman you are for wanting to divorce this hard working man.

Gee!

timetofaceit · 28/12/2013 21:35

You were a bit harsh tawse you don't know how she feels or what she goes through everyday it's very lonely being in a marriage like that and life is too short at the end of the day

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 28/12/2013 21:43

tawse there's a difference between giving advice and calling someone a bitch. I reported you.

Original poster

willowisp · 28/12/2013 22:01

Thanks time. Yes have expressed my feelings many times. He just doesn't get it - it's like I need to make myself happy & then he's happy. But he's making me unhappy with his nothingness iyswim ? I've told him again how I feel & he's answer is what has changed because he's always been this way.

I could never afford our house on my own, so the answer would be to sell up. But i'd rather be in a smaller house & happy. I would expect many tough years, especially as I'm getting on a bit.

BTW I'm not a bitch at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

willowisp · 28/12/2013 22:03

sunshine thanks for reporting - id be interested to have read the post - I thought mn was about support !

I have many friends who are all 'happily' married couples, so no-one to ask advice for. I would never confide in my DM, she's pretty useless...hence me asking here.

OP posts:

notarealgrownup · 28/12/2013 22:06

Isn't there some legal situation whereby the DH moves out and the mum stays in the family home till the DCs leave school then the house is sold?
I could be wrong but would that work for you?

Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2013 22:12

Well, I'm in a similar situation. DH and I are going to "bird nest" for a while, until I can get my career back on track to enable me to support myself and the kids (with child support from him obviously)

It basically means we have rented a one bed flat locally. The children stay in the family home. When I'm looking after the dc's, I'm in the house with them and he is at the flat. When he has them, I go and stay at the flat. We thought it gives the dc's chance to get used to us being separated without too much disruption and gives me time to sort myself out financially.

timetofaceit · 28/12/2013 22:16

Of course your not a bitch, being in a marriage like that is soul destroying! You can't help the way you feel, that's the one thing I've learnt over the years, people that say it's wrong to feel like you do don't understand you simply can't help it, so you have to change it. You could try councilling a friend of mine has just done that and the councillor did actually explain to her husband that she wasn't wrong to feel how she did and he had to try and change a little bit if their marriage was to survive and he did. But it all depends if you want it to, I was past that stage I had completely fallen out of live with my husband begged him to listen before I got to that stage but he wouldn't . Hey my kids are happy doing well at school see their dad every other weekend, so I get every other weekend to go out, go away etc they get 2 holidays 2 homes 2 cats they are happy. It took a good year to get things sorted finance wise but it was worth it I felt relieved and happier almost straight away. I did though meet someone who was abusive towards me and the police involved a horrible time for me and my kids, but I came out the other side and I am stronger than ever now.

Do you work willow? Just you could rent somewhere and you would get help with rent etc and if you don't work you will get help while your looking, I work for myself as a reflexologist and I get working tax credit, child tax credit which is quite a lot you know. You could start thinking what you would like to do with your life, do a course ,work from home the possibilities are endless. That will also make u feel better about yourself.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 22:19

Good suggestion Tilly.

I feel really sorry for the father here. It's hardly his fault the children fight, and that won't be fixed when you have them on your own.

The obvious way to improve the financial side of splitting up would be to get a job.

timetofaceit · 28/12/2013 22:26

I think the main thing is you need to have a plan, research stuff think about what sort of job you could do, maybe in your children's school so your working within school hours or like me work for yourself so you can work your own hours. Is there something you'd like to do or do you have a talent willow ?

Original poster

willowisp · 28/12/2013 22:27

It's an interesting one about the dc's. It's not physical fight, it's all verbal. Dh let's it all go over his head, whilst I can't stand it. Dd1 is full of backchat, she doesn't be quiet, yak yak all day + shouting & being moody (puberty going on for last 10yrs).

I've said to DH he should be honed in to what's going on but he is too slow (useless IMO).

Yes I agree with the job but having been out of workforce, confidence is less than zero.

Interesting option about renting flats...I'm going to look into prices now.

OP posts:

Lweji · 28/12/2013 22:33

Would he agree to go to couples counselling, particularly if you told him you were thinking of leaving?

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 28/12/2013 22:34

You're absolutely not a bitch OP. :) I don't have any advice to give but wish you all the best. x

TreaterAnita · 28/12/2013 23:24

Do you want the children to stay with you OP? That's not intended to be judgemental by the way, just not entirely clear from what you've said. Obviously you might be thinking about a 50/50 arrangement, but you don't seem to have a lot of faith in his abilities as a parent.

Original poster

willowisp · 28/12/2013 23:53

Yes I would want them to stay with me. I wouldn't anticipate custody issues. He's a good dad, but (again imo) not so good on the discipline/behaviours/self awareness. He's also not on the ball with clubs etc, possibly not unusual in that respect. His parents never encouraged him to do anything, whereas our DC are doing alsorts (eye-brow raise from in-laws).

I feel resentment is caused by his not-quite-on-the-ball way. Which irritates the life out of me..& makes me more grumpy/disagreeable etc.

He also works from home...although on a business trip soon, so that will give me some space.

OP posts:

Original poster

willowisp · 28/12/2013 23:55

(secretly I want to pack a bag & disappear for a week or so...)

OP posts:

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 07:15

There's nothing there to really suggest the children shouldn't spend 50% of their time with him.

Would you consider couples' counselling, if only to help you separate?

Original poster

willowisp · 29/12/2013 09:15

Am I missing something here ? It's not a custody question, it's an enquiry about moving on after the marriage has failed.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 09:33

Arrangements for the children are a pretty big part of separating.

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 09:34

And presumably separating means you each seeing less of the children as they'll have to share their time between two households, plus you'll be working.

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