Christmas has left me despondent and suicidal

[Needadviceandfast]

That's it in a nutshell.

I felt so positive before Christmas but now I'm so unhappy, I have been on and off for months/years. Things can be good for a little while but then it always goes back to the same old depressive state.

None of my family rang me on Christmas Day. My children are so hard to cope with (constant fighting/bickering/friendship issues at school). Their dad (we split up 5+ yrs ago) has been treating them really badly and not looking after them well so i said i wasnt happy with him having them anymore. His response? Nothing. Couldn't care less. Hasnt seen them for nearly a month. Things with my 'boyfriend' are just a never ending series of highs and lows. I hate myself, my self esteem is in the toilet.

What's the point in anything anymore?

I'm very sorry to hear how you are feeling, Christmas can be one of the hardest times of year but you know that suicide isn't the answer.

How old are your DC's?

Really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. From the sounds of your post, you are pretty much the only constant presence in your children's lives, so that's both a huge responsibility and a compelling reason to keep going. Things must be horrible for you at the moment but you must be a strong person to have stood up to your ex on behalf of your children so you should bear that in mind. You can cope with a bad spell, reaching out on mn is a good idea as almost everybody can identify with you, unfortunately for most people there will be a difficult point in life where things feel hopeless. You will look back on this time when things are better, hopefully soon, and feel proud of making it through. Sorry I have no concrete advice apart from possibly getting shot of the boyfriend if he's adding to your unhappiness? Seems a shame to get rid of a bad ex then get another man who doesn't treat you well. If possible maybe book in to the GP for a chat and see if they can help you with possible depression?

Here's a really blunt reason not to commit suicide: (assuming their father has parental responsibility) if you die, then the useless ex has the children all the time.

That should be enough to motivate you. It would motivate me.

Good luck.

Are you ok?

How old are your children? You sound like you're doing a great job, putting their needs before yours by asking ex not to have them while he's being such an arse, even though it sounds like you have no support elsewhere.

Thanks so much horse, mizk and bouncy. Bouncy - that is one of the main things stopping me. That along with how much it will affect them for the rest of their lives

Dc's are 8 - triplets. I've been on countless anti depressants since being diagnosed with pnd after they were born. None of them have worked and all had horrendous side effects. I just feel like there's nothing that can help me.

Re - 'd'p. he can be lovely and is very hands on with the dc but I feel the lack of commitment makes me feel even more crap about myself. My 2 main relationships have been with an emotionally (and eventually physically) abusive, much older man who manipulated and used me, and now a man who has taken literally years to show me any kind of commitment and who wants everything on his terms.

Thanks Newbeginnings - I'm ok. Had a busy couple of hrs with bedtime etc. Thanks mychild.... I'm the big bad wolf though who won't let them go to daddy's house. I've said he can come and see them here but he isn't jumping at the chance and I don't even know if I should allow that.

OP where in the UK are you based?
(Just a rough idea)

What about support from your family?

You do know that you HAVE to come through this don't you? Your children desperately need you to be ok

People are like stained glass windows - you only see the light inside when the darkness comes.

You are experiencing darkness now but you need to concentrate on the light within. You are being a wonderful Mum looking out for the well-being and safety of your children - that is the number one rules for a Mum.

At this time of the year it is so easy to look around at the faux happiness of other couples and other families. On the outside many, many couples put on the pretence of everything being perfect but none of us really know what goes on behind the curtains and the Christmas decorations.

If we try to compare ourselves to all these seemingly perfect families we are bound to get miserable and feel depressed. The truth is that you are probably no better and no worse than MILLIONS of other people out there right now in the UK.

You need to focus on the positive. You need to thing about all the positive things that you do as a Mother for your children - not just now at Christmas but over the last year and over their lifetimes.

Write it down. Put it down in black and white and pat yourself on the back for being so wonderful.

It takes a huge amount of self-sacrifice and guts to be a Mother - congratulate yourself for being such a wonderful person. Remind yourself daily what a great job you are doing! One day, perhaps many years from now, your kids will be telling you what a fantastic Mum you have been to them.

:-)

Sorry to hear that things are so hard for you. Are you getting any practical support/time off from looking after the kids? It must be such hard work looking after triplets, especially on your own.

Have you had any counselling/therapy for depression? Also, it might be worth posting in the mental health section, as there will be people there who have felt the same and can give you their advice and support.

Thinking of you.