Urgent advice on how to handle situation with abusive ex-husband

[wallypops]

Bit of background: 2 DDs - 8 & 9, live in France (18 years), exh French. Divorced (French courts) for 5 years - he has every other weekend and 1/2 the hols - except that his mother took us both to court and so she now has first 4 days, he gets 2nd 4 days and I get final 8 days for all the two week holidays of 2014 (Feb/March, April/May and Oct/Nov). 2013 I got the second 4 days and he got the 8 days. We swop weeks on alternate years.

He is NC with his whole family. Abusive drinker - not daily but completely out of control once the first drop touches his lips (but that is a side issue for the moment).

Massively emotionally abusive man - I've only realised how much since I've discovered Mumsnet! He pays (by agreement) nothing at all towards the kids, except for food at his house. Nothing towards any of their activities, school fees etc.

He is like his mother - and she is just as manipulative as him, will of iron and stubborn to the point of folly.

We live as far from the mountains as you can get in France. Children have an opportunity to go skiing with local village group in Feb/March - but it is in the first week of hols, so on his and his mother time. Both have agreed to swop time, so they get my holiday time with the kids - tough for me, but in best interests of children, but the kids get to go. Only ex is insisting that his mother supplies a written statement that she agrees to it. She refuses because I asked and she wants it to come from him. Neither give a flying fuck if the children miss out as long as they win.

In less than two hours he is coming to pick up the girls for his week with them. What can I say to him to make his understand that if he wants the statement he is going to have to contact her himself- she has categorically refused to do it for me. That this is interest of the kids - I have absolutely nothing to gain. That he has a duty of care to the kids not a right to them.

OK and the other issue is that he has a very virulent temper and the girls will be leaving with him - if he is angry they will be on the receiving end. So whatever I say I really don't want to piss him off. I want to give him an argument that he can't beat. I'm happy to make it all his mothers fault (she certainly is't helping) if necessary.

No point telling me to not let the children go, this is France and the laws are not friendly in that respect. As long as he isn't actually beating the children up (and there would need to be independent witnesses) they have to go. I have been taken to court 3 times by him and once by his mother, so I really do know this to be fact.

Also, personally, I'd want her written agreement regarding the swop too. As her contact is court ordered, I wouldn't want to be any doubts about changes to that contact.

Him and his mum sound like terrible twats. Tbh I would prob forge a letter just so DC get to go on trip.

Don't forge anything - but do encourage your dc to write to the court if they want to express any opinion about how this has impacted on them....
Leave xh and xmil to their games, but keep any emails as evidence of their behaviour.
This sounds like it might be a long saga, but wait it out... They will probably both shoot themselves in the foot eventually.

I second the dont forge...when ex forged my signiture for thr Paternity test I read up France had really strick laws and it is 10 yrs in prison and 14000 fine.
People like this would love an opportunity to break you! Its what they like doing! wish their was a way you could escape the pair of them but sadly the Mother is usually the cause of the dc nurturing and this a common family cylce. Hope it gets sorted but your dc have you to be their main RL role Model thankfully!

Sometimes it is difficult not to be dragged down to their level - they make me want to scream in frustration. I think the time has come to find a better solution. We were told to suck up the current arrangements for a year to show that we had really tried. It's now 15 months, so it is time to get the very slow moving beast back on the road again. It'll be the first time I have instigated any court action - despite 4 trips to court.

wallypops you've tried, you know you can look yourself in the mirror and still see your dignity intact. That's priceless.

These people are the kind who'd enjoy pulling wings or legs off insects, their God Complex is what drives this, to have everyone dancing to the tune they play, to them everyone else is just puppets

You can come and scream on here, you have every right to!

When you prepare the papers for court, make sure you focus on what is best for the children. Don't mention your point of view, but the children's.

Lweji thanks - that is always what I have done, and it has got us where we need to be most of the time. The problem is that my mother-in-law is an exceptional player of the game, and always manages to get what she wants. She fought for 2 years to get the time she wanted, and she has them for 30 days a year, he has them for between 70 - 90 days a year, and I have them for the rest of the time.

The real problem for me, and in part the kids, is that because the holidays are so divided up they cannot do any other activities, or go to the UK to see the rest of their family. I'm the youngest of 6 kids so we have masses of cousins in the UK - and we can only get there once a year now in the summer. Used to be Christmas or New Year and Summer. We go to Spain for a week in the 2 week Easter holidays, and I beg borrow or steal the time off every year to make that work. I'm a teacher in a Business School (and I run 2 businesses) so I don't choose my holidays. Otherwise I'd happily remove them from school - although if my ex got wind of that I suspect that the shit would hit the fan in a big way.

That would be a good starting point. That the holidays are too divided up.

If they already see the children regularly, why not assign to each parent the full of different holidays, on rotation?

Depending on considering him a responsible father, of course. If you show him not to be too responsible, you could push for virtually no holiday time.

Go to court with him and tell everything you just told us to the judge. He/She will know what to do and give you and your child a reasonable safe solution.