Coping with an emotionally abusive partner at 32 weeks - should I leave?

[RubyLady]

Hi all

I'm pretty new to using mumsnet so don't have all the lingo down yet but hope you can give me some guidance!

I've been with my partner for 2 years 7 months, and am 32 weeks pregnant. We’ve been through a lot in our short relationship, inc 2 terminations (one with twins, an unplanned pregnancy which after 13 weeks of increasingly severe depression I felt unable to cope with and another 5 months later, despite using contraception, which I would have kept but he convinced me to terminate) all in the past 18 months. The current pregnancy was planned, but I conceived within hours of saying I wanted to try so we didn’t have much time to process it. I have always believed I wouldn’t be able to conceive easily as I have pcos and had never been pregnant before this relationship – I had even started finding out about fertility treatment before meeting him at almost 35.

When we met he was in a difficult place – seriously in debt, stuck in a job where he wasn’t getting paid, living off savings at his parents’ place at the age of 37. I am a very independent person with a successful career who has always dated successful men and I found this hard to cope with, however I was falling for him and probably thought I could fix things (I have a tendency to do that). So when I fell pregnant the first time, I suggested that we move in together and promised to pay the majority of the rent and bills, while he got himself out of the bad situation he was in and looked for a secure job (which he did get, very quickly, although his debts meant that he still could not contribute much towards rent etc).

Just before the first pregnancy his behaviour started to change. It started with an extreme reaction to my being pursued by someone I had met socially, someone I wasn’t interested in romantically but who was a useful work contact – where he hacked into my emails and put me through hell, making me feel guilty about something that wasn’t there. I considered leaving then, but very shortly afterwards I discovered I was pregnant and thereafter seemed constantly trapped in a cycle of pregnancy and getting over the trauma of termination.

Over the past year and a half things have deteriorated and he has done and said many things that constitute emotional abuse (much of it while I’ve been pregnant). I have also got myself into financial difficulties by covering so much, and regret having got myself into this situation but at the time I wanted to show that I believed in him. I no longer love him, in fact I don’t even like him, and I now know I should have left after the first pregnancy. Some things he has said or done include:

• making me feel I’m always at fault
• automatically disagreeing with everything I think or say
• telling me I’m too selfish to have kids
• discounting/belittling my personal experience and opinion, making me feel stupid, saying I’m “intellectually shallow”
• Using the abortions to hurt me (you took my babies away) even though he coerced me into having the second one
• Telling me I “have a problem with pain” and that I have left him out of the birth process because I want to have an epidural and he wants me to have an unmedicalised birth
• telling me he doesn’t trust me but he doesn’t know why
• saying he knows I’m not telling him something/that I have just lied – that he can “feel” it leading me to feel constantly guilty (this could be a look or, on one occasion, a “pause” in the wrong place)
• withdrawing emotionally from me when I see certain people/go to certain places so that I stopped doing it
• withholding affection as punishment – during this pregnancy I’ve constantly had to ask him for it
• saying he wants to take his baby away i.e. if we split up he wants to look after it - making me feel I would be a bad mother
• saying that he cares about the baby inside me but not about me
• making me feel bad for asking him to move out of our shared bed because he snores heavily & 4 months in to the pregnancy I was permanently exhausted - saying he “no longer felt close to me” cos we weren’t sharing a bed and that I was “taking his baby away from him”.
• making me feel I have abandoned him/the relationship when I go to see my family or go away for work
• saying insensitive things about my appearance and weight while I’m pregnant, making me feel ugly

I’m now in an impossible situation because we are about to move into a new (cheaper) place together, I have worked hard to make sure I can cover my maternity leave (I have my own company so it is up to me) but it doesn’t leave me with much financial wiggle room and it would be a serious stretch for me to cover the rent on my own – although it might be doable. Every instinct I have is telling me to get out now, rather than trying to get him to leave later, because I am in a constant state of stress and anxiety - but the small group of friends and family that I have talked to have warned me that I will need him around immediately after the birth and that I should just grin and bear it for now. I also don’t want to leave him out of the process despite his behaviour, as I know he has always wanted to be a father. He is extremely good with children, is very charming and popular and people generally think he is a loving, kind, gentle guy and that I’m lucky to have him. I feel very anxious about the labour with him, and am considering having my mum there for moral support. Any advice would be much appreciated.

My family live far away so I have only recently got around to telling my mum and sister about it. They are supportive of whatever I choose to do but mostly worried about me being alone, and how I'll cope - as am I. I'm mindful of upsetting mum as she's more fragile now that she's older but I have asked if she'll come to the birth and she's said she will. It's difficult for people to imagine that he would ever be this way as he's outwardly such a decent guy (and is decent, with everyone but me, as far as I can tell - he is still close friends with his ex for example and often goes out of his way to support friends and family) and children absolutely adore him; it seems so unlikely. That's partly why it took me so long to take it on, and why I still find it so shocking and so hard to fathom. I do have friends who will be there for me if I can accept what's happening and directly ask for their help; only a couple know how bad it has become.

Thanks so much for all your messages of support, it's much appreciated and has definitely given me food for thought. I am going to take a bit of time to plan an exit strategy and make sure I have a support network first, and I think I may tell him with his parents present as I get on well with them and think it might make it more "real" for him and stop him from reacting badly - although obviously you never know how family will react (might use a friend instead!)

thanks guys

xx

Rubylady the weeks after the birth WILL be hard, but with him around I imagine they will be even harder - please get rid, you do not need this in your life and nor does the baby.

Poor you - agree with other posters, leaving now will be hard but so, so much easier than after the birth. I think you should get some advice from a DV advice service about how to leave safely and how to tell him. Abusers often up the anti when their partner attempts to leave. Also, do tell your midwife so she can arrange extra support.

BTW, all the things about him being 'outwardly such a decent guy' is all part of the plan to make you appear bad and him good - all part of the abuse. Next it will be you are throwing him out because of your pregnancy hormones, you won't cope, you and the baby need his support, etc.

You said he hacked your account before, do take care to delete your internet record if you can (sorry I'm not v technical but I'm sure someone can advise).

Also, get all your documents together, passport, pregnancy records, bank stuff. Don't give him an excuse to see you.

Also, breast is best - then surely he can't look after the baby!

Take very good care of yourself and be v smart.

What everyone else said. You must go. There is a good chance once you have the baby things will get physical, even if they don't you can't expose a baby to this abuse.

When i fell preg with my first. He turned emotionally abusive - when i fell preg with second. He started choking me.
I got rid...but he wormed his way backm me worrying about being alone with 2 kids and believing he could change...i let him back. At 9 mnths preg he choked me again.
He begged for forgivness at the birth and i allowed it all to happen again. Only next time it was worse.
He really went at me and i almost stabbed him.

You really can be pushed beyond what you think you are capable of.

It is all dangerous - even when it is just mind games.
When you really start to believe that you arent capable or worthy - you can go downhill and allow bad things to happen.

They grind you down that much - you actually start to believe everything they say!

Most importantly - do not fall for any sob story he gives to get back with you.

hi there, don't be like me. leave now. I've already been snarled at twice. lifes not fun.

You can do it alone.

Leave and get settled by yourself before baby comes. You'll be a thousand times happier and as a result, so will baby.

You poor thing,I am so sorry you are going through this in your condition at this terribly poignant time of year. I am you 8 years ago, severe EA and VA after the birth of my 2 DD's. I felt trapped and stayed, I developed postnatal depression and am still on AD's. I have very cloudy memories of their precious first months, a few good, but mostly bad and very upsetting when I look at photo's.

The longer you stay in an EA relationship, the harder it is to leave - you feel trapped because of a variety of reasons, fear of him, fear of breaking up your children's family, fear of surviving financially, fear of change. But, i promise you he won't get better, ever - it's impossible for them to see they are the ones with the issue - it will get worse because you will be lower and lower and he will be more superior, more just and right and vicious.

I will never regret my babies, they are the most important things in the world to me, but I know I should never have married my H and should have got out long ago. I urge you to tell your family everything, tell them you are being abused, can you stay with your Mum or sister? I also urge you to call 121 the non emergency police line and tell them your situation, they will get a local officer to contact you, you can document all the abuse into a statement that is logged onto the system and the DV unit will then be aware of you and will let you know local resources to help you. Tell your GP next - it all gets logged down and will support you. If nothing Else it will make you feel stronger and that you are taking proper steps forward - ain't nothing like sitting in a police station giving a statement as a reality check.

I feel for you.

Sorry, it's 101 for the police, not 121. Speak to women's aid too

Just to say I completely agree with the other posters. It sounds like you have a wonderful Mum who will be there for you through this.
I'd also like to echo what the previous poster said about talking to your GP. You should also talk to your midwife at the next possible chance. They are quite used to dealing with this sort of situation and will be wonderful at supporting you. If you done have appointments without your partner there is usually a sticker system where you can out a sticker on your urine sample in the toilets to say you are being abused and want help. The midwives will get the message and help you.