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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how to leave when dc still worship their dad

10 replies

babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 15:07

(D) h has said some really bad things which I believe are bordering on abusive.
Last child not planned and he has 3 times pretty much said that he didn't want her or that she should have been aborted. Twice in front of other dc. Dd is a baby so hopefully she won't be affected yet.
Has said that me and dc have been sponging of him for the last 14 years. I was working full time for 5 of those years snd a sahp for rest.
He shows disrespect by leaving his stuff lying around and than shouting at dc when they do the same. Only last night he left a drink on table which dd spilt.
Like most 9 and 8 year olds they don't always reply immediately when asked to do some. He literally screams at them. His mum even spoke to dc and asked them to answer immediately so as not to get him worked up.
He broughts treats for him and dc when baby came and was told baby was the present.
Was unsupportive after birth ie changed a few nappies but didn't do any housework or ironing etc despite me having a csection. When I complaim he says he is too tired working to do more. He clearly thinks I sit on my arse all day doing nothing whilst he is working. In fact he once said I would get more done if I stayed in more and didn't go out shopping all the time. This was the week before Christmas which was full of nativity plays, parties etc.
I know some of these probably seen insignificant but it is truly getting me down and I am worried about the effect it is having on other dc.
However, over christmas he fainted and paramedics were called and both dc were distraught.
Makes leaving so much harder.
Thoughts please.
Thank you

OP posts:
babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 15:09

Was also insensitive following my mums death. Kept on asking what was sad on tv etc when I was crying. Once on the day of her funeral.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 28/12/2013 18:06

Your dc would be distraught at the appearance of paramedics and the drama surrounding it. It is normal.

Just carry on with your leaving plans, as staying sounds dreadful and will only get worse- and he can still be in their lives if he so wishes but not living with you.

Its more about how to ensure your dc know its nothing to do with them, you splitting up, and not hearing you be rude about him as he is still their df, iyswim. They will know anyway, ESP when they get older.

I'm sure there are some books which can help, and someone will be along soon with great advice for that.

babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 18:22

Thank you.

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 28/12/2013 18:38

Hi baby, Lavender is right. It seems a bit quiet on here tonight, but usually there is loads of advice. I'm thinking about leaving/getting (D)H to leave, and the kids love him to pieces, am in the same boat only a few years down the line from you by the sound of it. Stay strong. As we say, someone will be along with more support and advice later.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2013 18:40

I remember him, I think. I can't think there will be too many twunts who think they deserve a present on the birth of their child but their partner doesn't as she has the child.

Worshipping a parent isn't normal, you know. Are you sure they're not just pussyfooting around him because they can see what he's truly like?

They would have been distraught if a neighbour had been flat out on the floor and the ambulance had to come.

He is making the family an unhealthy unit. Your duty is towards your children. They will be happier in a happy home. At the moment, your home isn't happy.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 28/12/2013 18:47

They hero worship to keep him happy, you children will thrive without that fear of him shouting at them for something.

Also you cant live under this man, it sounds like he just wants a domestic servant instead of a wife, his children as just annoying extentions of you.

You dont want your lovely dc to grow up thinking that is how normal relationships work, its not.

babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 18:47

Yes I have posted before. Think he wasn't buying it for himself from baby. It was just convenient to get it when buying gifts from newborn to dc. It did upset me though but not as much as the other stuff though.

OP posts:
babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 18:47

Thank you

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 19:02

Look of course the kids were distraught when an ambulance was called. That's scary stuff whoever's collapsed in the house, but he's their dad and children are programmed to love their parents despite their faults.

But they are also probably distraught on a far more regular basis by his aggressive outbursts, vocalised wishes that their sibling hadn't been born and his appalling treatment of their mother.

Don't stay for them.

Leave for them, as well as you.

You are all getting damaged by this man, but you're the only one who has decision-making abilities that will change all your lives for the better.

Decide well.

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 20:25

Children are mercenary buggers, they appear to 'love' the abusive parent more than the non-abusive one.

This is fairly well documented , it's designed for self-preservation.

Hysterical/traumatic bonding I think it's called.

As much as you think they'll be devastated, I can assure you that once the initial shock has passed, they will start to blossom and bloom more than you'd ever imagine.

Do the right thing, the only thing, and get them to a healthy, stable loving, nurturing and caring environment. Away from those that'd scream at them, or hurl abuse at them.

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