Bickering vicious circle

[BonaDea]

Don't know where to start but I need some advice or strategies to stop my DH and me bickering or scrapping all the time about stupid stuff. Probably been made worse by Christmas but was a feature before. I'll try not to drip feed.

DH works full time and very long hours in a high pressure job. I'm also in the same profession tho work in a lower stress environment. I'm currently still on mat leave looking after DS 9 months. I'm going back to work in March full time.

Because of DH's long hours (out of the house 8am-10 pm most week days) all of the midweek childcare and house stuff falls to me. I'm getting increasingly bored and frustrated of it - not of my DS. It is a very long day for me and it is not like dh comes home in time to help with bath or bed. In the evenings I am usually home alone too and often in bed when DH gets back. DH takes his share with DS at weekends.

I am feeling myself becoming more and more nagging and controlling of DH. I often feel he is doing things wrong and can't help myself in correcting him. I know this is unhelpful and causes strife. Does it matter if DS' socks don't match or he isn't wearing a bib for lunch or has had the same lunch 3 days in a row? Probably not. But I cannot seem to just let things lie. I suspect I am just frustrated at what has become quite a lonely and drudgey life - very little adult company, taking care of all the household minutiae etc. To be fair we have a cleaner and I do go out to baby groups a couple of times a week. My family is hundreds of miles away and my friends all work.

On the other hand I feel that DH is over sensitive to some of the things I say or do. It is like he now always expects to be told off so makes a pre emptive strike. This means that when I am not being nagging (and I am genuinely not like this all the time) I get accused of it anyway and made out to be a bitch. He also claims not to know how to do things or when. Like I've asked him a hundred times could he please check the nappy bag if we are all going out to make sure we have nappies, a snack, a bib and a sippy cup for DS. He never does this. Why should it always be me? He routinely doesn't put the car seat in the car properly so I always have to check it. That is bloody important. He's a very intelligent man so why does he need me to check it is done right (he doesn't put the carry handle back up in place after strapping DS in). He doesn't take initiative with DS, so I've always to say - it's tea time could you make him something, why don't you play with him etc. Often playing with DS involved DH on his iPad and DS grizzling because he's bored.

Urgh. I sound like such a nag. All I know is my life feels like a vicious circle at the moment. I feel like a need to stop sweating the small stuff and be happy with my DH who I love and my DS who is so precious to us both. But we're constantly going down this dead end road of nagging and bickering and blah blah blah.

Any ideas please to help turn it around before this becomes a more serious problem?

Ok, I'm probably not going to popular saying this, but I'll share my experiences. I too am a SAHM and my hubby has a job that demands long and unpredictable hours.

I found myself feeling like a second class citizen, feeling guilty because I was at home, but at the same time feeling trapped because I wasn't working! In short, I didn't feel worthy of my place, especially when he was getting promotions and pay rises and i saw my life shuffling on by.

What I started to do was be the best I could be at running the home and being a mother so I felt like I was achieving. I was ultra efficient, I got a buzz from knowing I was doing a good job and then I'd get ratty with hubby who didn't do things 'the right' my way. I was so down about the lack of challenge in my life I got so picky and irritating. There was no way he'd know how or why I did things as I did and if he did try and didn't get it right I'd make him feel like shit rather than being happy he was trying.

Oh, and with my hubby doing the hours he was, even though he had days off, the hours he did and the intensity of his work meant that he was still doing more than I was so I considered it my job to ensure that I did as much of everything as I could so that when he got home, he could relax and enjoy quality family time. He didn't want to be doing long hours any more than I felt happy when I was questioning my place in life.

That's not very PC and I'm sure all the feminists will assume I'm oppressed but it bit true, it's simply about assessing what's fair. Of course that didn't mean hubby never did anything at home and I too could get frazzled and need a break. It just meant that I didn't expect him to mind read when I'd need a break and I'd tell him. He'd also knew I'd want him to relax at home and not moan or ask unless things were getting on top of me so he'd be extra sensitive of my needs when those times came.

Reading back, I sound very smug or like it was easy, it wasn't and it took a bit of negotiation and a lot of communication to reach the stage where we could both appreciate we both had it hard.

Could your DH reduce his hours one day a week, could you do a phased return to work one day a week a bit earlier than planned? It might help.

Otherwise, you have to just bite your lip I'm afraid. If its something vital like car seat that's different but re: other stuff you need to let him learn for himself.

Ask him to take charge for a weekend and promise not to nag - I'll bet he'll step up.

i worry about being accused of missing the point but is your sex life back in the room yet? realistically it's the fancying and intimacy that makes another human less irritating ime - sounds daft - i mean that when you're having good sex and feeling connected to someone and sparking the little things don't get so much focus.

maybe try to avoid arguing, getting too fixated on who/how/what in terms of labour just now but discuss and plan for who is doing what and how it's going to be when you go back to work?

it's only another couple of months and then hopefully you'll feel some balance back in place and feel happier for it.

also try to avoid 'waiting' for your dh. do nice things for yourself in the evenings even if it's just a bubble bath and a good book and a glass of decent wine. invite friends over for a drink or dinner. go out in the day to do stuff as much as you can even if it's just some window shopping and a nice coffee with a book whilst the baby naps. perhaps you could meet working friends in their lunch hour for a coffee?

it's two months in a situation you're finding difficult but know there is an end to so try and think of things to make it more comfortable and ideally enjoyable to get through it.

hi I have recently drawn up a plan of my weekly household duties. to spread them out and to also feel in routine
could this help you it has helped me alot and also feel less depressed and frustrated
why not have a go with one and see how you feel in a week?
hope you work things out soon.

Thanks all for the advice.

In answer to the question, no our sex life is not back yet. It's been a long time. Lack of sleep, me feeling about like a podgy milk machine etc. It's a very good point and I think you're right that it would help to work on that!

Biting my tongue - I always mean to do that but in the heat of the moment...

Hadn't thought of a timetable. How do you find it helps?

Hi. I have to say - I've just came in here after having yet another row with my "D"H, about bickering and nagging and yes chores. I felt the same during my maternity leave- where I felt like I was doing everything - and because I was on leave, I've decided to let it pass. After coming back to work, I still feel like I do the majority - 70% - of the work, and keep asking DH to take up some of it, but he routinely forgets to do them, or postpone it to do his other hobbies(yes, setting up a new audio system is not a chore!). This just makes me feel like, I am picking up on all these chores so that he can go ahead and do whatever he wants. Alot of times he makes a point about how his work is not as flexible (although I think I work longer hours in total, but flexibly and almost every evenings at home) and how other men do not even do the 30%, oh yeah and the "you try to do too many things, why don't you just chillax" excuse. about that, read nymag.com/thecut/2013/12/what-the-times-gets-wrong.html (and all the links from it)
btw we have a cleaning lady that comes to do all major cleaning - hovering, scrubbing and DISHES...(which used to be DH's chore)- the other five days (she comes twice a week) the kitchen is a total mess to the point, some days we don't have a single clean spot on the kitchen counter to chop veggies - let alone a clean pot to cook them in.
I do then tend to blow up exhausted from trying to do everything and just collapsing under stress.

I do feel that NumptyNameChange has a point about sex. I think when you have that "connection" you let things slide more but right now, it is at a point where it is increasingly becoming more difficult to remember why we got together... although it makes me sad reading this.

Little dragon, that would drive me nuts and in your situation I think you have actually got a right to nag!! Would it help to draw up a rota for the week which includes working hours so that what you each do is down in black and white??